The Vipers
by Avetre Maevrin
Summary: A group of 4 new Joes and 1 old one are bound and determined to show Duke just how faulty his security measures are. Sanity is lacking in this story.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: _I do not own G.. I'm borrowing the characters for a little bit, but I promise to give them back.

**The Vipers**

Gung-Ho looked, blinked, shook his head then looked again before drawling in a low voice to his dumbstruck companions, "I don't know if I don't wanna know or not." Marching boldly through the barracks hallway were four Cobra soldiers. Four Cobra soldiers who looked like they'd gotten caught in a paint factory explosion. Purple was the color of the day, a bright revolting shade with neon green paint splatters and a neon green Cobra symbol. The normally mirror-like face plates of the helmets sported psychotically grinning smiley faces with lots of fangs. The weapons of choice of these four soldiers were...squeegees...which would be good, if they were going to war against dust and dirt and general uncleanliness. Shoot, the Joes would be all for that one. The smallest soldier carried a bucket of pink paint.

They halted for a moment, feeling the incredulous stares of the small gathering of Joes in the lounge. They swung around, came to attention and snapped off picture perfect salutes before continuing on their merry way. The Joes lost sight of them after they rounded a corner. Gung-Ho turned back to his fellow Joes and promptly declared that he was not explaining this to Duke.

*****

BBQ was sleeping peacefully, snoring quite loudly when he felt it, the malevolent presence of something up to no good. His nose twitched as he felt something cold touch his face. He came awake rather swiftly as he heard the psychotic giggles issuing from said malevolent presence. He opened his eyes only to squeeze them shut in the hope that upon opening again the images above him would be mere dellusions of a sleep deprived mind. Opening them again, his eyes widened in horror as he stared at the glow in the dark, pink smiley face over his bed and the four Cobra soldiers surrounding him, weapons at the ready. All four stared at him before monotonously intoning, simultaneously, "We are the vipers, we have come to vipe your vindows."

*****

Scarlet had just about convinced a small cadre of the Joes to go investigate the fashion blind Cobras when a piercing scream broke the relative peace of the barracks. Rushing footsteps were heard not long after and the four Cobras came barreling around the corner, knocking Duke, who was emerging from his room, over. The Joes stared in shock as the purple Cobras escaped through the side door of the building. Duke stared before turning to the other Joes, "Who screamed?"

"Follow the pink!" cried Wild Bill, running off to do just that. The trail of pink led to a door that was slightly ajar. Rushing in they saw BBQ curled up in a corner, painted pink, with pink glasses, mustache, and beard painted on his face. He was rocking himself and muttering, "The Vipers, the Vipers, the Vipers are coming to Vipe me out."

Lifeline whimpered, "I am not a psychologist, I don't have the first clue how to fix this one."

*****

The base wide memo read:

Cobra Command has employed clowns as their operatives. Should any Joe catch site of a Cobra soldier wearing purple and green attire they are to approach with extreme caution and apprehend these infiltration operatives through whatever mean necessary.

Four Joes read this memo. One turned to the others, "We have been challenged."


	2. Chapter 2

**Cobra Rats**

"Did you get them?"

"Yes, Viper Commander. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to make 300 miniature Cobra uniforms?"

"No, and I don't want to know. Viper 3, how goes the reprogramming?" Malevolent cackling answered the querrie, "Good, good. Viper 1, did you manage to add movement?"

"Yes, Viper Commander, 300 marching rats are at the ready."

"Viper 2 and Viper 4, have you...accessorised yet?"

"Viper Commander, do you know how disturbing it is to hear you issue the word 'accessorised' in any form? Yes, we have. We're ready for operation Rat Attack."

"Good, go forth and cause chaos."

*****

Duke looked up from where he sat. It was a weekend and he and a handful of Joes were relaxing in the barracks lounge. So far it had been relatively quiet and somewhat peaceful, he should have known it wouldn't last. "What is that sound?"

"What sound?" Ace asked glancing up from his card game.

"The one that sounds like several chipmunks speaking at once."

"That would be a good question." Muttered Lady Jay, standing to go look, as she too heard the sound that was coming closer, "Oh, no."

Around the corner marched the four Vipers, resplendent in their purple and green uniforms and grinning masks. Duke, Ace, Lady Jay, and Roadblock leaped to their feet to intercept the Vipers. The tallest Viper spoke in a distorted voice, "Charge, minions of terror!"

The Joes turned and realized, to their horror, what the chipmunks were. Marching behind the Vipers were 300 Furbies (tm). These Furbies were died the same purple and green as the Viper squad. Each of these Furbies were crying out "We are the Vipers, we have come to vipe thy vindows." Each Furby carried their own miniature squeegee and each wore a miniature replica of the Viper uniform. Each Furby could apparently jump and did so. The Joes were engulfed in a wave of 300 purple and green Furby soldiers and squeegeed. By the time the dust and fur cleared a pile of 4 multicolored G. were left in the wake of the Viper tidal wave.

The Great Furby hunt started soon after.

*****

"This is great!" Viper 2 grinned at the rest of the Vipers. The four clowns were staring in something akin to incredulousness, well, 3 of them were, one looked lost in thought. Viper 2 continued, "This is even better than what we'd hoped for, look at them, they've regressed to levels of childishness that I had not thought to see in adults!" She gestured to the Joes that were crawling around on the ground looking under furniture, rocks, planters, and other Joes.

"Yes, it's all well and good." Viper 3 muttered, "I'm having trouble with something, though. I'm trying to think of what Furbies remind me of. It's on the tip of my brain, but it just isn't coming to me."

Viper 4 struck a thinking pose, "Maybe a cat's hairball...the stuff we find in the drain after you've showered...Tribbles?"

"That's it! Wait, what do you mean stuff I leave in the drain? I don't leave stuff in the drain!" snorts of derision answered her, "Never mind, I have a new plan!"

*****

"Every time we kill one of the blasted things 3 more take its place!" Roadblock yelled.

"Then stop killing the things!" Cover Girl yelled back.

"What do you mean stop killing them?! They're the enemy!"

"They're toys!"

"Look at those beady little eyes! They're evil, evil I tell you, and they're looking at me! Make them stop looking at me!" Roadblock had, for all intents and purposes had an extreme mental break down. Cover Girl supposed it was, therefore, unsurprising when Lifeline sedated him to drag him to the infirmary. She was, however, surprised to discover that Lifeline not only had a blow gun, but was quite proficient with it.

Cover Girl sighed as she watched the medics drag Roadblock to the infirmary. She turned and saw the Furbies that had started Roadblock's descent into madness. They really were quite cute, and truthfully they weren't dangerous, just bothersome. She grinned as she studied her particular pack of Furbies. She'd shown them how to truly accessorised. She looked up at the sound of someone moving next to her and saw the quads. The quads actually looked somewhat disturbed when they noticed her Furbies, "I find it truly disturbing that you've gone and dressed them up. Did you re-dye the things?" Gwen asked.

"Well, if they are going to follow me around I can't have them looking like fashion rejects, now can I."

"Is that a purse?" Maeve snickered.

"Yes, it also doubles as a blackjack, I think I saw Fluffy use it as a nun chuck as well."

"Pardon?"

"Yeah, the things are starting to develop personalities. That pack that's been following BBQ have gotten terrifyingly protective of the poor man. They've got a den mother type deal going on in one of them. The thing actually bites anyone that kicks one of its chicks."

"You're serious about that? I mean we've noticed the blasted things acting differently, but still, personalities?" May asked, incredulous.

"Yeah. Distinct personalities, very distinct. There's a bunch of us that are actually growing fond of our mini-joes."

"But they're Cobra." Wooky pointed out.

"Cobra, for all their bothersomeness, would never be able to create such distinctive personalities, I mean, look at those blasted drones they use."

The girls looked horrified, "Please tell us this doesn't mean there's another force we have to deal with."

Cover Girl shrugged, "I don't know. I do know that these Furbies aren't dangerous, though."

*****

The Vipers walked into HQ, closing the door softly behind them. "We have a problem, Viper Commander."

"What is it?"

"The Furbies are developing personalities."

"What?!"

"Distinct personalities, distinctly terrifying personalities...you should see BBQ's pack. I knew we shouldn't have brought Wheeljack in on this." muttered the smallest Viper.

"We couldn't afford to keep on buying more of those things, so we needed someone to make rip-offs. We should have known that he'd tweak them."

"Are there any of the originals left?"

"No, Viper Commander."

"So, all of them have 'distinct personalities' and all of them have developed 'Joe' tendencies?"

"Yes, Viper Commander."

"Then we don't really have a problem."

"No, we just get some miniature recruits. I think this lesson is a bust."

"Not really, Duke now knows that it is possible to create small infiltrating robots. He'll be able to up the security to deal with it, in all probability the Furbies will help."

"Okay, well, as long as it isn't a total loss."

OMAKE

Lifeline watched as the newest victim of the "Furby Insanity" came traipsing into the Infirmary. He should have known if would be BBQ. Arriving with BBQ was a pack of insanity. 20 Furbies followed the poor man. Lifeline's gaze swung to the other occupants of the Infirmary, the Four-Sisters-of-the-Apocalypse. Wooky nudged Maeve who turned and grinned at BBQ. She started quacking. Lifeline sighed, "What can I do to help you, BBQ?"

BBQ gave him a puzzled look, "Uh, Lifeline, you do realize that I was slated to bring you the latest shipment of medical supplies, right?"

Lifeline frowned, he hadn't noticed the box sitting by the door, or the fact that the 20 Furbies were carrying small packs of bandages, gloves, and sundry other light weight supplies. "So...you're not having any issues with the rats?"

"They're Furbies, not rats. They kinda grow on you, and they're really good with the windows."

The sisters stared at BBQ. Lifeline noticed that the Furbies looked particularly smug, he wondered about that. He sighed and went to sign out on the supplies. The Furbies started climbing and moving their carried supplies to the cabinets.

Lifeline had just about managed to ignore the Furbies when Footloose walked in looking for some band-aides. Footloose had nieces and nephews. Nieces and nephews who liked the standard, store bought Furbies, i.e., he hated them. So when he saw one of the Furbies near his feet he automatically kicked out at it. This turned out to be one of those "Oh, my, how dumb can you get" very bad ideas. The Furby went flying. Another Furby went berserk, truly, its eyes went red, it growled, and it attacked Footloose. Lifeline and the sisters stared in shock and awe at the havoc the little toy managed to inflict. It resembled a Tasmanian Devil cartoon. By the time it was through Footloose was covered in little, bitty bite marks, scratches, and bruises, and BBQ looked mildly annoyed, "Don't kick the Furbies, Fury doesn't like it." Footloose whimpered. Lifeline now knew what had caused many of the latest injuries he'd seen in the past few weeks. BBQ left and with him went the Furbies. Lifeline was busy with Footloose so he never noticed that the sisters had rushed out as well.


	3. Chapter 3

_Okay, first off, I'm not military, don't claim to be military, and don't know much about how the military works. If you find something wrong with anything in this story you'd be doing me a major favor if you pointed it out to me. That being said, I'm going at this from a practical standpoint and a humorous standpoint._

**Squeak**

"Okay, Viper Commander, what did Duke and the cooks do to tick you off?"

"One word, poison. One of the least secured sites in HQ is the mess hall. A skilled infiltrator could get in, poison the food and get out with relative ease."

"So...we use the Furbies?"

"No. I've grown attached to the little guys, don't want them destroyed. No, you gals go in and infiltrate the mess hall. Do whatever in the world you want to show how insecure it is. Now, go out and do chaos."

"Yes, Viper Commander, right away Viper Commander!" The four mayhem makers snapped salutes to their commander and marched off.

*****

It was lights out. The barracks were quiet, the majority of the Joes were off-base in their own homes or out on various missions. The base was operating on a skeleton crew, which was why no one was there to witness the four Vipers slip into the mess hall. Each Viper wore janitorial coveralls and caps over their helmets. They each had a cart of supplies. The smallest pulled out a sign and placed it outside the entrance before closing and locking the doors. Then they got to work.

*****

Duke sighed as he entered his office. He'd had a good weekend, now he was ready for work. He hung up his jacket and went to sit at his desk when his door crashed open. He ducked and went for his sidearm when he realized that the "attack" was just a chef. More specifically the man who had crashed into his office was the head chef. He felt his day going down the drain before it had even really started. "Dare I ask?"

"I can't keep working like this! No, I didn't complain about the Furbies, 'cause they were actually helpful, but this, this, just no, I can't do this. Fix it or I walk!"

"Calm down and tell me what 'this' is and I'll see if I can fix it." Duke growled.

The chef took several deep breaths, trying to calm down, before replying, "I can't say what it is. Just follow me and I'll show you."

Duke sighed and walked after the chef. They continued to the Mess Hall. The chef threw open the doors with a flourish and Duke saw...wall to wall bath toys, not just any old bath toy, no the toys were the annoying squeaky rubber duckies. The rubber duckies were organized by color and size and were currently being stepped on by other KP staff, including those on punishment detail. Duke winced at the cacophony of noise issuing forth in the staff's attempts to dislodge the duckies. "Maeve," he called to one of the soldiers on punishment detail, "I fail to see how getting a running start and diving into the ducks is helping the removal process."

Maeve grinned, "It might not help but it is fun. If you want I can bring a lawn mower in here."

Wooky, another soldier on punishment detail, grunted as she put all her strength into yanking at her neon green duckie, a tearing sound interrupted the squeaks and Wooky went flying, head over heels into a pile of purple and green rubber duckies that had at one point in time been a chair. She sat up and held out her hand which held the decapitated head of a green rubber duckie. She sighed, "Alas poor Ulrich, I knew him well. Whether 'twas nobler to have squeaked than squawked we'll never know. I do believe I shall call you Bob now." she tucked Bob's head into her shirt pocket and stood, "You know, I never realized they made green or purple rubber duckies. They're almost the same color as those little uniforms the Furb-Joes started using as bonfire bait." Noise came from one of the side entrances as a large group of Joes came walking in for their first meal of the day. Squeaking renewed and the first few Joes, upon realizing they were walking on ducks, came to a screeching halt only to be dog piled by the Joes bringing up the rear, Sgt. Slaughter capped the pile.

Duke's eyes widened as he realized that the colors before him were indeed the colors of the Vipers. His face paled, "Everyone stop!" Joes halted everywhere, leaving the dog piled Joes in some very awkward positions, Lady Jay was not a happy camper, Flint, however, was. Duke ran his hands through his hair before turning and marching (read squeaking) his way over to one of the public phones near the entrance, calling out, "Everyone in here and in the doorways, get in, make yourselves comfortable and barricade the doors." His orders were followed but there was an abundance of confused and baffled looks in response to said orders. Duke reached one of the phones and dialed the Infirmary, "Lifeline, I need you to gather a hazmat team and come to the Mess Hall. You're going to need to quarantine the area around the Mess Hall and you'll need to do blood work on all the people in the Mess Hall."

The Joes upon hearing their fate groaned and grumbled, some few paled when they realized just why Duke was in a snit. Sgt. Slaughter sighed, "Well, the Mess' been infiltrated, it's only logical." Maeve and Wooky both whined, muttering something about how they should have stayed in bed that day, it was entirely to bright and sunny out. Sgt. Slaughter favored them with an odd look. Roadblock growled in annoyance before taking it out on the poor unsuspecting duckies. Snake-Eyes watched him in interest and did nothing to stop Timber from demolishing some duckies of his own.

*****

Sgt. Slaughter was, at the moment, in very real fear for his life. He was hurrying down the hallway, away from the infirmary (finally) and he was trying to look like he wasn't hurrying. He hadn't heard from the munchkin of doom (Maeve) or the midget of chaos (Wooky) for a while. Normally that would be a good thing, but in this case it did nothing more than make him really nervous. He didn't know where they were and if he didn't know where they were then how could he dodge the attacks? He decided that he might have some allies in the queen of patience (May) and the lady of sanity (Gwen) and so he ducked into their room. This was a mistake as May and Gwen were both duct taped to their desk chairs. Slaughter jumped when the door slammed shut behind him and an arm draped over his shoulder, "Hello Commander," a chilling whisper sounded, "so...nice...of you to join us. We were just starting to make our...appreciation...of this little prank known. Now you don't have to miss out on the fun."

Sgt. Slaughter liked to think of himself as a brave man. He could face Cobra down without flinching, but for some odd reason a 5 foot nothing munchkin with a chip on her shoulder terrified him. He imagined that this is what married men felt like when their wives went through PMS. He rallied his nerves and replied as calmly as he could while feeling like a condemned man about to face death by a hundred feral chipmunks. "If you recall, I had to go through the same tests and inoculations as you. I'm as displeased about the situation as you are, Maeve." This turned out to be the wrong thing to say.

He didn't know how it happened, but apparently Maeve had handcuffed one of his wrists while she was distracting him with thoughts of eminent doom. He made a bid for freedom, managing to wrench the door open and dart out into the hallway. There were several Joes peeking out their doors to witness the next course of events. Maeve barreled out of the room she shared with May and tackled Sgt. Slaughter to the ground, using his disorientation against him she then grabbed the other half of the handcuff and shackled his wrist and ankle together. Normally she wouldn't have thought to attack a superior officer, but she was a wee bit miffed at the moment. Having secured her prey she then proceeded to drag him back to the room by his unfettered ankle, oblivious to the wide eyed stares of the other Joes or the fact that Slaughter was desperately trying to grab hold of something to aide his escape from the deranged munchkin of doom. The door clicked ominously shut, and the gossip mill began.

*****

Sgt. Slaughter counted himself lucky, drastically disturbed but lucky none the less. After having been put through a humiliating defeat by someone a good foot and three inches shorter than him, he had then had to endure a good hour long rant. He did get to watch as Maeve and Wooky dragged their erstwhile captive sisters to the infirmary for the full gamut of tests and inoculations under the fib that the other half of their quartet had visited the Mess Hall and left before Duke had arrived. Now all four girls had suffered through the shots. Slaughter counted himself lucky as they hadn't done anything else to him beyond ranting, they had apparently taken into consideration that he too had gone through the same torture as they.

He was once again ensconced in the safety of his office and writing a report about the incident. He indulged in a grin, he was truly proud of his girls. Disturbed at the fact that Maeve and Wooky now had a duckie head hunter village forming in their respective rooms, but proud none-the-less. He couldn't wait to see what his little Vipers came up with next.

**OMAKE**

Duke stared at a disturbed Flint, "Please tell me this is some sort of sick joke."

Flint shuddered, "I'm afraid I can't, Duke. It was witnessed by at least 10 other Joes. Sgt. Slaughter is fraternizing with one of the McWerrin girls."

Duke knew he shouldn't ask and decided to accredit his morbid curiosity, "Which one?"

"Maeve."

Duke's eyes bugged out, "How are we going to explain this? Forget explaining, how are we going to _deal_ with this?"

"Go to the top and ask for advice?"

"That works."

***

Maeve opened her mail and very nearly died of a heart attack. She'd received a letter from a man of some importance, which was surprising enough, but the contents of the letter made next to no sense to her. The letter read as follows:

_Ms. Maeve McWerrin,_

_Allow me to congratulate you on becoming one of the G., it is a proud unit and a better group of soldiers you would be hard pressed to find. That being said, a matter has come to my attention that needs addressing. I know it must be hard to find time outside of your duties to pursue a relationship and as such it is perfectly understandable that you would wish to pursue a relationship with a man that you are around with some frequency. I am writing to give you express permission to do so as long as said relationship does not interfere with your duties. I wish you and Sgt. Slaughter the best._

_Sincerely,_

_The President_

Maeve was still puzzling out the meaning to this note when her door nearly caved in. From the pounding and rattling of the door she was fairly certain that Sgt. Slaughter had received a similar note. The bellow that followed confirmed it, "MAEVE MCWERRIN! OPEN THIS DOOR THIS INSTANT!"

Maeve decided that she needed to terrorize the good Sargent, and sauntered to the door. She timed her response to occur between bellows, "Coming, Sweet Cheeks." Little did she know that Gung-Ho and Snake-Eyes happened to be passing at that instant. She quite probably saved Slaughter's life by opening the door and dragging him into the room. She did not see the look of absolute, pure grade fury that passed over Gung-Ho's features, nor did she see Snake-Eyes tense and motion Timber to attack. She did hear something hit the door after it had closed, but she shook it off as one of her floor-mates rough housing in the hall.

Sgt. Slaughter swung around to glare at her, "What did you do?"

"What did I do, what did you do? Last I heard you're, what, 10 years my senior. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's flattering but still...boys have cooties."

"Oh, no, I did not express any interest in you in that way."

"Then why did we get these blasted letters?"

The two confused soldiers looked at each other then down at their letters. After some study they found their answer, or at least what they thought was their answer. Maeve frowned at the date on the letter, "I've got to say, I never would have taken the President for a practical joker. Seriously, pulling an April Fool's joke over on us...I'm guessing he did something similar to the other Joes too."

Sgt. Slaughter nodded, accepting, even welcoming her explanation to the weirdness of the day.

***

"Maeve and the Commander? Are you serious?" Gwen asked in confusion.

May nodded, "Yeah, apparently everyone on the base knows about it. They've even got Presidential permission."

Wooky considered the topic, "Well, if that's what she wants then sure, whatever. At least Dad will be relieved that she hasn't gone after the dude with the mohawk and the shrapnel in his face. He might even overlook the age difference...."

The sisters shared wicked grins, "Naw, that's not happening."

Gwen grinned, "Can you picture his face when she tells him?"

May's grin was larger, "Can you picture Mom's?"

Wooky's grin out did the others, "Can you picture Grammy's?"

Then the girls looked at one another a shared huge, feral grins, "We've gotta be there when Gung-Ho and Spirit find out!"

Wooky cackled, "I can't wait to see Snake-Eyes' reaction!"

"Why?"

"Duh, he's adopted her as little sister, and girls, that's one big brother you don't want to get on the wrong side of." The three girls shared one last grin before collapsing in hysterical laughter, in the middle of the barracks hallway. Maeve and Slaughter poked their heads out the door, shared a look and went to grab their crazy companions, never realizing what the laughter was for.

_AN: Before anyone makes a comment about the likelihood of this farce actually happening, allow me to point out my favorite episode "The Viper is Coming." the leaps in logic or illogic abound in that episode and made for some real comedy._


	4. Chapter 4

**Topsy-Turvy**

_Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction done for fun. I do not own the Joes. I do own Maeve and Gwen, my sister owns Wooky, and a friend owns May. The sad thing about all of this is the fact that if this was a pen and paper RPG, the insanity happening in this story would most likely happen in the RPG, we do not do serious, just ask Ambrant Arandel._

The Vipers really didn't want to do this one. They actually liked Lifeline, for all that he took a sadistic pleasure in giving shots, and it was never, never ever a good idea to make any medical personnel mad at you. They learned this from Ratchet. So, when Viper Commander actually asked them to show the dangers of having a "walk-in" clinic with absolutely no security...well, they'd actually contemplated mutiny. They were, at the moment, giving serious thought to checking themselves into the funny farm for going through with this assignment.

As they didn't want to harm Lifeline they decided to wait till he was off base to go to work. They were hitting both the infirmary and Lifeline's room, just to make certain their point was effectively made, as such they split up, Vipers 1 and 3 hit the clinic whilst Vipers 2 and 4 hit the dorm room. They walked into the clinic one night, after hours. This was one of the nights when most of the Joes were off base so the clinic/infirmary was actually closed. They sneaked in under the pretense of being janitors, as it had worked well the last time. Like the last time they put up a sign denoting cleaning in progress, walked in and locked the door. Then, with devilish grins, they got work, pulling power tools from their carts of cleaning supplies and sparing a thought of pity for the poor Medic due to whatever mayhem V2 and V4 were creating.

*****

V2 and V4 were having a ball. They'd decided to take the plan and run with it, only they took it a step further. They were just about to leave the scene of their creative mayhem when their victim walked in...actually staggered would be a better term for it. They were shocked to see the man acting like he'd been on a drunken binge, as he'd struck them as more sensible than that. Watching him as he failed to notice their presence, they decided it was a very good thing there was nothing on the floor to get in his way as he staggered around the room.

"Hey, whaz you doin' hewe (hey, what're you doing here)?" Ah, he'd finally noticed them. They shared a look before shrugging and turning to explain their presence.

"We're the Topsy-Turvy Fairies. We've come to make certain that everything is as it should be, and you, sir, are not as you should be. We can help you fix that."

"Weally (really)? Thaz zho nice ov yooooo (that's so nice of you)!"

"Really. Here, let us help you."

*****

Duke walked into the infirmary to deliver some files to the medic in charge while Lifeline recovered from having his wisdom teeth removed and promptly walked back out again. He stared at the ceiling, walls, and floor, making special note of the placement of the furniture in the lobby before nodding and turning to go back into the infirmary. Looking around he had to wonder, how they had done it. The infirmaries furnishings, from cabinets, beds, equipment, chairs, and stools were all presently decorating the ceiling. Their placements were exactly as they would have been had they been on the floor, but alas, they weren't. He was, however reluctantly, impressed that they had managed to adhere the smaller medical supplies to their respective counters and shelves. To the observer it looked liked they'd somehow turned the room upside down and forgot to tell the rest of the world.

Duke sighed and looked around for the medic in charge only to discover the poor man (a civilian, the poor guy) a sobbing, stammering mess, curled up in a corner on the floor (or was it the ceiling now?). Duke sighed again and walked back out to talk to the receptionist, "You're going to have to close the clinic for today, at least until everything is put back where it should be. Do we have a psychologist on base, if we do we need to call him and have him see the medic in charge."

"Pardon?"

"Look in the exam room, it'll explain everything. Look, I've got to check on Lifeline, so if you could take care of this I'd much appreciate it." He turned and stalked off. As he exited the building he heard the piercing cry of shock from the receptionist.

*****

Duke had just about decided that he really didn't need anything else to happen to him today, but staring at the crowd gathered around Lifeline's room he knew that was just wishful thinking. He pushed his way through the crowd of shocked Joes and discovered that the Topsy-Turvy misfits had struck again, only this time there was a victim. Lifeline was blissfully unaware of the crowd of spectators watching him sleep...in his bed...on the ceiling, from an upside down doorway. "How?" Duke asked.

"Well...near as I can figure, Duke, Lifeline was drugged to the gills last night, so he couldn't have put up much of a fight, shoot, for all we know he might have helped them." Gung-Ho grunted. They watched as Snake-Eyes cautiously made his way into the room to check for traps.

Duke noticed the differences, there were working lights and a working fan attached to what was formerly the floor. The closets, the built in closets, were resituated. The culprit(s) had turned the door upside down, and from what he could see through the open door of one of the closets, they had shifted the shelves and clothes around as well. How they made the shirts hang upside down, he could not fathom.

He tore his gaze away from the migraine inducing sight, "Snake-Eyes, is it clear?" Snake-Eyes nodded and positioned himself under (or was he standing over) their hapless medic, to catch him should he fall (or float, whichever). Duke called out, "Lifeline, you need to wake up now."

Lifeline stirred then snorted and rolled over. _'So he isn't tied down...how in the blazes did they manage that?' _Lifeline then floored the observing Joes by planting his stockinged feet on the ground (or was it ceiling) and standing up. He then proceeded to walk towards the door, rubbing his eyes blearily the entire way. He stopped and stared, "Duke...what are you doing on my ceiling? With those words the Joes' perception of reality was skewed for the day. One particular Joe was both pleased and puzzled by the development, but knew better than to allow the formers expression across his face.

_The Debriefing_

"Okay, I've got to say I'm impressed, I wasn't expecting to see the room completely flipped." Viper Commander commented, "Nor was I expecting the ceiling walking, which you will be telling me how you managed."

"Well, we involved Wheeljack."

"And that covers a whole plethora of situations." Viper Commander grumbled.

"Yeah, I know, it's great isn't it." Viper 4 piped up. Viper Commander sent her a quelling look...which had absolutely no effect. Vipers 1 through 3 exchanged looks before turning back to the explanation. Viper 4 continued, "Well, Jack came up with a new type of fabric that will stick to anything, other fabric, through other fabric, metal, ceiling tiles, etc. We had Jack make some Pj's and socks out of this fabric...the rest is history."

"Not quite. How did you manage to make Lifeline where them?"

"He came in drunk! It wasn't that hard."

"He wasn't drunk. He was drugged, he'd just had his wisdom teeth taken out."

"You have no idea how relieving that tidbit of information is. We were afraid we'd misjudged him. So, he'd walked in, drugged to the gills, thought we were the Topsy-Turvy fairies and he'd cooperated, we sent him into a closet to change clothes. We then walked him up the wall and put him to bed."

"Topsy-Turvy fairies?"

"That was the only thing we could come up with on such short notice...plus, he was too drugged to notice."


	5. Chapter 5

**Ousting**

Sgt. Slaughter glared down at the report he held in his hands. He was in a quandary, three of his girls were out of town and the fourth one was relatively sane without them...somewhat. Okay, so she was still insane, but without the munchkin of doom to egg her on, she wasn't quite as sadistic, and he really needed sadism now. Why? He hated traitors, that's why, and he really hated having spies in his midst, what he hated the most was not being able to pin anything on said spies. He sighed before reaching for his phone and making the call, "Viper 2, I need you in my office, yesterday!"

*****

"You bellowed?" Wooky poked her head into Slaughter's office and noticed the business like look on his face. This was serious.

"Yes. I need you to look at this report and tell me what you think." Slaughter handed over the file that was giving him so much trouble.

Wooky took it cautiously and started to peruse the contents. A frown started to form, "That ain't good, why haven't you arrested him yet?"

"Because, for all that I know what he's doing, I've never been able to pin anything, beyond circumstantial evidence, on him. You're in one of Dr. Ford's classes, are you not?"

"Yessir, I'm in the anthropology class he's offering. Maeve and I are both in that class...needless to say we're some of his least favored students...but then again Maeve probably already told you about that."

"Now, why would she have...never mind, I don't want to know. Okay, is there any way you can pin, anything on Ford, anything at all? I know you like working with your sisters, but they're not here right now and I need a plan, ASAP."

Wooky considered...she had something niggling in the back of her mind. Ohhhhhhh, if Maeve were to read that...but no, she didn't want Grammy thinking she'd corrupted the youngest of the quads...even though she knew, she knew that for all of Maeve's psychosis, she was still relatively naive and wouldn't understand a word of the text, after all Maeve never knew what a groin was until she was 15. Maeve was hitting below the belt when she was 5 and had continued it for a long time, but she still didn't know why it was a bad thing, just that it hurt. Grammy had restraining orders issued against her by various Physical Education teachers due to certain parts of their curriculum and Maeve coming home and saying, "Hey, Grammy, guess what we learned today!"

Wooky grinned, there was no reason why she couldn't go solo on this and plenty of reason why she shouldn't bring Maeve in on it, Wooky prided herself on her sense of self-preservation. She turned to Slaughter, "I was going to bring Maeve in on this, but I won't as I don't want to face death via Grammy. The plan will still work though. What I want to ask you is, how bad do you want this guy? Do you want him dead, or not? If you don't, then you've got to be there to hold Gunny back." That peaked Slaughter's interest right away.

*****

Wooky bounced into the lounge and up to Gung-Ho. Her siblings had gotten back the night before, as they all had classes and training the next day. She looked around and noticed Dr. Ford had just seated himself at one of the tables, perfect. Her plan was coming together, and it was all due to a complete misunderstanding and the use of page numbers. "Hey, Gunny, I've got a problem that I think you might want to know about."

Gung-Ho, who had been peacefully drinking his coffee up till that point, raised an eyebrow, "Oh, and what problem is that?"

"Well, in my anthro class we were assigned books to read and pages from those books to act out...and well, here, you read it. Now, keep in mind, my partner is Maeve, and he wants us both to act this out." She dug through her backpack and produced an uncensored, unabridged copy of "1001 Arabian Nights." She flipped through the pages before finding the one she was looking for and handed the...for lack of a better word "book" to him. She settled back, preparing to watch the show.

Gung-Ho frowned as he took the book from her. He didn't see what the problem could be, he remembered reading the Arabian Nights when he was a kid, it wasn't that bad a book. He started reading and his eyes got larger and larger, his face got redder and redder. Wooky was amused to see the veins in his neck and the one in his forehead start to throb. Not only that, but his eye started twitching, and if she was prone to hallucinations, she would have sworn that his eyes turned red. She didn't know that a person's head could turn 180 degrees without the rest of their body moving, but she could just about vow that it had, and Gunny's face had a look of undiluted rage that was typically reserved for Sgt. Slaughter, anymore. Slaughter himself was already on his feet and making his way across the room. Gung-Ho let out a roar that would have done a lion proud and launched himself at the hapless teacher.

Snake-Eyes, unbeknownst to Wooky, had picked up the discarded book and read the marked page, then he too joined the attack. Sgt. Slaughter had his work cut out for him. Wooky ran to help whilst inwardly laughing and so she did not notice Maeve pick up the book that had again been discarded. Maeve frowned as she started reading it, her forehead puckering up in confusion. Gwen and May were watching the mayhem and didn't notice their danger. Then Gwen felt the tug on her sleeve. She looked down and saw Maeve's confused expression and felt a dread unlike any she felt since the time Maeve asked her what a groin was. She steeled herself for the inevitable, and she noticed May edging gradually away from her. That wouldn't do, she lunged and grabbed her sister in a choke hold, "What is it, Maeve?" she asked, grinning. She didn't know just how frightening she looked, what with the grin and the fact that the only other sane sister was turning blue from oxygen deprivation.

Maeve held up the book, "What does this mean?" she pointed and Gwen felt the chill of eminent death run down her back.

"To whom does that book belong?"

"Wooky, she got it for that assignment Dr. Ford gave us. This is the page we're supposed to act out."

"GUNNY!" Gwen roared, "KILL THAT MISCREANTIC WRETCH AND THEN SEND HIM TO GRAMMY!"

WWIII had just broken out in the Joes' lounge.

*****

Dr. Ford sat in his holding cell. More specifically, he sat in the corner farthest from the iron bars comprising his cell door, through which he could see the hall in front of his cell lined with Joes. The three he feared the most were right in the front of the line, sharpening various instruments of bodily dismemberment. Snake-Eyes, Gung-Ho, and Spirit were all aiming to slaughter him in highly disturbing ways, as the looks on two faces and one posture said. The man was trapped, he knew that, and knowing that he chose the better part of valor, he turned to the man standing in the cell with him, "What do you mean you've got nothing to hold me for? You're planning to release me?!"

Sgt. Slaughter made a show of putting a look of remorse on his face, "Well, the girls are adults, and as you've said, it was all a...'misunderstanding.' You do see where I'm coming from. I can't reasonably hold you for any crime, so you're free to go. Don't let the door hit you on the way out." Slaughter walked to the cell door, he started to pull out the keys and the entire line-up of Joes tensed up, ready to attack.

Before Slaughter's hand touched the keys the teacher cried out, "Wait, you can't not hold me! They'll kill me!"

"I can't hold you on insufficient evidence of any wrong doing. You do understand this. If you did something wrong, however, something really wrong, I could lock you away for life."

"Give me a pen and paper, I've done a lot of bad things, horrible things! I'll confess to them all, just don't release me!"

Slaughter turned around and pulled a notepad from his pocket and a pen, "Start writing."

_AN: There is an amusing story behind this. I went to one of our local bookstores and bought a copy of "The 1001 Arabian Nights." I had read this before, more specifically, I had read the kiddified version of the Arabian Nights. I seriously had no idea that there were two versions out there, one of which was the unedited and unabridged. I got home and started reading. So help me, the stories are written porn, in metaphor, no less! I showed one particular page to my dad. I thought the poor man was going to have a heart attack. The book got taken back to the store that night. Beware the unedited, unabridged copies._


	6. Chapter 6

**They're Everywhere, They're Everywhere!**

_AN: It was pointed out to me that the girls aren't described anywhere in this story. As such, I need to rectify the situation, but because I haven't written for a while and description chapters are out and out boring...yes well, Wheeljack had to get involved._

Bluestreak fidgeted in the lab's doorway, he was in the doorway because the sight before him would make any mech hesitant to enter. Shoot, most mech's he knew would be making tracks for the stars at the sight. There, standing in Wheeljack's lab were the girls, five of them...each. "Um, Wheeljack, please tell me there's a good explanation for this...."

Wheeljack looked up from whatever he was playing with on his work bench, "Bluestreak! Come in, come in, I need to show you my finest invention yet!" He shot forward to grab the younger Autobot. He dragged Bluestreak into the lab, ignoring the terrified shriek that escaped the youngster's vocal processor. He ignored the gouges that formed in the door frame from where Bluestreak had tried to futily find anchor from the insanity before him. "What you see before you is the product of several months of hard work and effort on my part. These are my mechanical clones. You see, Wooky loaned me her box set of this one show called 'Star Trek; the Next Generation' and there's this one character on it that's an android. Throughout the series he has issues with not having emotions and so, I thought, would it be possible to make a non-cybertronian with emotions."

"The Dinobots?"

"Don't interrupt. The Dinobots are actually based off of Cybertronian schematics, as such they are Cybertronian. The inherent difficulties of making a human sized equivalent is mind-boggling. So, I created these from scratch."

"But why? Why them, why not someone...sane?"

"Well, they're the most extreme examples of emotional weirdness I've ever encountered. As such, I figured I could go extreme and then it would be easy to whittle the emotions down to normal levels."

"But five?"

"I needed to be certain that I could recreate the process...and seeing as I could not possibly see the girls' personalities on or in anyone else...well, I made perfect replicas of them." Wheeljack preened.

Bluestreak blinked, studied the clones, who were now perched on various parts of his body, well, he tried, but he couldn't see the ones perched on his head or his back, or his neck piece. He then turned to Wheeljack, while trying to not be disturbed that the girls mimicked him perfectly, "Uh, 'Jack, I hate to, burst your processor bubble, but well, they most certainly aren't perfect copies."

Wheeljack's optics widened, "What do you mean, 'not perfect copies' they look identical!"

"No they don't. See, here," Bluestreak scooped up a handful of Maeves, "Maeve isn't this tall, she's only 5 feet high. Her eyes are more of a leafy green, she's really pale skinned...Grammy said they thought she'd be an albino, but she wasn't...and well, her hair just barely goes past her chin and it is straight and black. None of these are 5 feet, in fact that one's 4.5 feet and that one's almost 6 feet, this one's hair's curly, that one has blue eyes, and all of them are somewhat tanned."

Wheeljack slumped, "What's wrong with the others?"

Bluestreak set the Maeves down and picked up the Gwens, "Gwen's hair is a chestnut brown and wavy, it goes to her shoulders, but she wears it in a bun with screwdrivers poking in it, not pencils, not sticks, screwdrivers. She's about 5 foot 10 inches, has tan skin and black eyes. She's also a little more...curvy? She's also skinny."

Bluestreak set the Gwens aside and grabbed the Wookies, "Wooky is Gwen's height, she has the same color hair as Gwen, but it's more curly and it's really short, it doesn't go to her chin. She's more stocky, her eyes are brown and she's got a darker tan than Gwen." He then motioned to the Mays who had stepped out of his reach, "May's 6 feet tall, she's got strawberry blond hair, not yellow, not light brown. Her hair goes down to the middle of her back and she wears it in a ponytail, not loose or in a bun. She's also got green eyes, a little more blue than Maeve's but still green. Of all of them Maeve's the 'prettiest' because she looks more 'exotic,' Wooky's the next, then Gwen."

"Where do you get that from?"

"I've been acting as their car for 3 years now, I've heard the males' speak. Most of them were actually willing to overlook Maeve's bloodthirsty tendencies to try...stuff. Those one's got scared away real easy."

Wheeljack was a little disturbed at the look that crossed Bluestreak's faceplate. "I do not wish to know...and yet I do."

"Let us just say that I have been called the 'Satan car' more times than I care to remember." Bluestreak blinked, then whimpered, "Wheeljack, what's going to happen now that there's 6 of each of them? What are we going to do with them?"

"Do with who?"

Wheeljack and Bluestreak swung around and maneuvered their bodies to hide the mechanical clones. Standing in the doorway were three Autobots that neither of them really wanted to see at that particular moment. "Optimus Prime, sir...and Prowl...and Red Alert...uh...."

Wheeljack stood straight and ignored Bluestreak's stammering, "Is there something I can do for you gentlemechs?"

The three imposing soldiers started to look rather paranoid. Prowl frowned, "You can answer Prime's question."

Wheeljack then considered that maybe, just maybe what he had done might not have been one of his smartest moves, in fact considering the further ramifications of his actions, he was forced to conclude that the only thing dumber would have been to hold a solar grenade in his hand while it blew up. As Wheeljack considered how to spin this to sound slightly less insane than what it truly was Bluestreak stepped forward. "Well, Optimus Prime, sir, Wheeljack has just finished showing me the most perfect weapon in his arsenal against the Decepticons to date. Yes, these are even more devastating than the Dinobots." Bluestreak ignored the look of dumbfounded shock he was receiving from Wheeljack, while mentally patting himself on the back for paying attention to Gwen's duping lessons, he refused to be even slightly associated with this farce.

Prime turned intrigued optics to Wheeljack, "Really, then by all means, let us see this weapon."

It was Wheeljack's turn to stammer, and Optimus pondered on whether or not Bluestreak and Wheeljack had managed to switch bodies...again. Wheeljack finally sighed, "Well, Optimus, sir, it is more accurately stated that _they_ are _weapons_...and well...I had the best of intentions and I was bored out of my processor...that's my only defense." he then stepped aside. The screams could be heard from the Decepticon base.

^,,^ You didn't think I'd end it there, did you? There hasn't even been a deliberate prank yet! ^..^

"Let me get this right," Ratchet muttered as he rubbed his aching CPU, "You, Wheeljack, got bored and decided to invent weapons of mass destruction in your free time," Wheeljack started to protest only to be hit over the head with the Wrench of Doom ™. Ratchet glared at him, "Don't interrupt, because of you I'm swamped," he gestured to the repair bays, all of which were filled with twitching Autobots, "As I was saying, you invented weapons of mass destruction without even considering the repercussions, you didn't even consider them anything more than a challenge when you made them...and now you have no idea what to do with them?!"

Wheeljack slouched, his head dropping forward as he nodded, "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Ratchet then started grinning, it was an evil grin, it was a grin that would have had Megetron running, screaming for his mommy. It was then that Wheeljack remembered, Ratchet loved pranks, more specifically, Ratchet loved pranking the girls. Wheeljack did not for one instance believe that Ratchet wouldn't start a long distance prank war with the girls. He knew his old friend entirely too well and he had apparently just provided the appropriate fodder.

*****

Later that week:

Sgt. Slaughter was blissfully unaware of the turn his life was about to take. He was walking to his office, planning how next to cause havoc in Duke's carefully ordered little life when his perception of reality became skewed for the day. He heard his name being called so he turned and noticed Gwen approaching, he also saw Wild Bill standing near one of the vending machines. He blinked, apparently Gwen had decided to take to secretarial work, she wore pencils in her hair instead of the ever present screwdrivers. "Do you need something, Gwen?" Gwen grinned as she approached and for some reason Slaughter was struck with the feeling of extreme fear.

"You sure can, Sgt." Gwen stated before reaching up and grabbing the front of his shirt, she dragged him down and promptly kissed the surprised man. Then as swiftly as it happened it ended. Slaughter stared in dumbfounded shock as the eldest, sanest of the quads sauntered off. He heard a strangled sound and turned to see Wild Bill staring at him, a horrified expression on his face. Bill's soda fell from nerveless fingers, the sound of the can hitting the floor jarred Bill from his shock. Slaughter ran all the way to his office to escape the enraged Texan.

*****

Wheeljack turned from the monitor he'd been watching. He and the other Autobots were observing the events at Joe headquarters as seen through the eyes of his Quad-Bots. He frowned at Ratchet who was grinning widely, "Now what did that poor man ever do to you?"

Ratchet's grin turned slightly evil, "Not to me, personally, but he attacked the medical field."

"That prank involving Lifeline?"

Ratchet's cackles said it all. The surrounding Autobots edged away from their insane Medical Officer.

*****

Sgt. Slaughter, showing his mettle, emerged from his office mere hours after he'd barricaded himself in. This was a brave move on his part, particularly since Wild Bill was camping out near the front of the building with his gun at the ready. Ace and Duke were trying to get Wild Bill out of the tree he was in and Gung-ho was standing there, trying to figure out what was going on.

As Slaughter headed for the front door he was grabbed and pulled aside by Mainframe, Roadblock, and Wooky. He noticed that Wooky had apparently allowed her hair to grow out some and been spending too much time inside, as evidenced by her paler tan, he'd have to fix that. Roadblock was frowning, "Man, you don't want to go out that way."

"Why not?"

"Wild Bill's gunning for you, literally." Mainframe said with a grin.

"What?"

"He's in a tree, with his riffle, glaring at the front door like it just committed the atrocious act of trying to date his sister." Wooky grinned.

"Do you know why he's doing that?" Roadblock asked.

"Yes, I do, Wooky, what's gotten into your sister's head?" Sgt. Slaughter glared at Wooky, blaming her for driving her sister insane.

"What do you mean?"

"She kissed me! Out in public no less! In front of Bill!"

"Well, you and Maeve _are_ dating. It's only natural that she'd want to do that."

"It wasn't Maeve! It was Gwen! And what are you talking about, dating?"

"Really, imagine that, I'll just have to fix that."

Slaughter was kissed for the second time that day, in public, in front of two more people who decided he must die. As he ran back to the safety of his office he heard Wooky call out, "Now you can say you've been kissed by three of us!"

Slaughter yelled back, "But it was only two of you!"

*****

Sideswipe stared at Ratchet, "You are a cruel, cruel mech." He was disturbed when Ratchet started laughing malevolently.

*****

Slaughter peered through his blinds and noticed the trees in the front starting to look rather crowded. Wild Bill, Mainframe, Roadblock, and Gung-ho were all perched in the trees, each one looking murderous. He ducked as a shot came through his window. Peeking even more cautiously through the blinds he noticed that Duke, Ace, and now Lifeline were screaming at Bill, who was yelling back at them. "What did I do to deserve this?" he muttered.

Surprisingly he was answered, "You know, it is generally considered a bad thing when a person decides to talk to themselves."

He lunged for cover, pulling out his gun as he went. May, the one who answered him, yelped and ducked back into the hole in the floor, the tile that had covered it perched on her head like some odd fashion statement. "What are you doing here and what in the blazes is wrong with your sisters?"

May blinked her blue eyes up at him as she cautiously peeked over the edge of the hole, "Uh...are you talking about what's wrong with them normally? 'Cause we still haven't figured that one out. Maeve and Wooky are just mentally off. As for what I'm doing here, well, Duke ordered Shipwreck, Flint, and I to rescue you. He even gave us a map showing the access tunnels running under HQ."

"NOT MAEVE! Gwen and Wooky! And what do you mean he _gave_ you the _map_?"

"Just what I said, I think he was desperate. He's starting to think a mind altering drug was introduced into the food or water supply, or some such nonsense. Gwen? Gwen's saner than I am, what are you talking about?"

"She kissed me! So did Wooky!"

"And you're complaining?" Shipwreck had to speak up at that moment.

"Shipwreck, where are you?" Slaughter asked

"Down here, enjoying the wonders known as jeans."

May got an annoyed look on her face and jerked, she must have kicked the sailor. He heard the sound of boot hitting head and the muffled stammers. In Sgt. Slaughter's defense, he'd never had to really worry about the girls before, yes, they had tempers, yes they were dangerous, but they'd never shown any interest in him beyond him being their fellow prankster and commanding officer. As such, he didn't consider the consequences of his actions, besides, this was May, the nice one, the normal one. He knelt down to see what damage she'd done to Shipwreck. Two more people were added to the "must avoid on sight" list and he got his third kiss of the day.

Slaughter decided he needed to go home, desperately, badly as his safe haven had been invaded. He ran. He hit the back doors and kept going, the shouts behind him were distracting, not only that but they sounded the alarm for the rest of the bloodthirsty crew to act. He shot past a startled Lady Jaye and Scarlett, but he was intercepted by Maeve, who was looking smaller than normal. Maeve had lunged for him, and thrown her arms around him in a bone crushing hug, "Schnookums! Honey bunch, I've missed you so!"

"Maeve get out of the way! He's cheating on you!"

"What are you talking about?"

"He's kissed all three of you sisters!"

"No I didn't! They kissed me!" Slaughter yelled desperately.

"SHUT UP, WHO ASKED YOU?!"

"He had a boo-boo, they were kissing him to make it better." Maeve said with an innocent grin.

"What?" the shell shocked looks on the faces of the assembled Joes was priceless.

"Well, they couldn't necessarily kiss his feet, now could they?"

Wild Bill gave her an incredulous look, "He's running awfully well for someone with an injured foot."

Maeve looked contrite, then perked up and stomped her steel toed combat boots down on Slaughter's unsuspecting foot, "There, now it's all better." She ignored the wheeze of pain that came from the man she was crushing in her arms. The rest of the Joes wondered just how far gone her sanity was.

"Hey, Gwen, why is everyone looking at Sgt. Slaughter like that?" Maeve whispered.

"I don't know...maybe they're mad at him about something."

"What could they be mad at him for?"

Gwen gave her an odd look, "Uh...well...." Gwen didn't get to answer as the Joes swung around to stare at the quads, all of whom had walked up behind them. They didn't see Maeve hugging Slaughter...and really, why would they suspect Maeve of being anywhere than where she actually was. Slaughter, upon seeing the quads walking up behind the Joes did a double take. He then looked down at the girl hugging him, then back up towards the other Maeve, and than he did what any other self respecting person with any sense of self-preservation would do, he promptly fainted.

*****

Autobot headquarters was inundated with the sound of hysterical laughter.

*****

"What do you mean, you saw the three of us kissing him? Why in the blazes would we be kissing the Sgt? Sure we like him and all, but not that way, 'sides Maeve would kill us all in our sleep." Wooky glared at the assembled Joes. Maeve pondered just what she meant by that, before deciding that her sister thought she'd kill them for having such poor taste in guys, especially since most of them had better men paying them court...yes, Maeve really was that naive.

Duke was starting to hyperventilate, "Lifeline, get Slaughter to the infirmary, run the full gamut of inoculations, do blood work, everything, Cobra must have been targeting him all along. With all the kisses it is most likely they introduced some form of poison or something, that would explain why he passed out (because manly men just don't faint)."

"He really leaps to conclusions, doesn't he?" Ratchet marveled.

Lifeline nodded, "That would explain everything, now aren't you all ashamed of yourselves for jumping to conclusions like that?" The rest of the Joes didn't look particularly repentant, they just looked slightly less murderous.

Duke looked around, "Where did the other Maeve go, the short one?"

Wooky picked her sister up by the collar and dangled Maeve in front of her, "Here she is."

Duke frowned at her, "I said 'the short one' I meant the short one."

Gwen looked positively puzzled, "But sir, the one word used most often to describe Maeve, aside from homicidal, crazy, or sadistic, _IS_ short."

Maeve glared at everyone, "I'm not short, just vertically inadequate." They wisely kept from commenting.

The veins in Duke's neck _and_ temple started throbbing leading to this common thought among the quads, '_Sweet, a DOUBLE veiner.'_ Duke ground out, "The other Maeve was all of 4.5 feet high."

Maeve gave an indignant squawk, "WHAT! I'll have you know I've worked good and hard to get as tall as I am, to say I'm shorter than I am is truly an insult. Sir, I am tempted to challenge you to a duel!"

The next thought among three of the quads was '_Sweet, a TRIPLE veiner, keep it up Maeve, make it a __Quadruple!' _

Duke glared the the shortest of the sisters, "Maeve, I was not trying to insult you. There was a clone of you here just a few moments ago, that clone was 4.5 feet tall. If you want to take the matter up with anyone, take it up with the person that made the clone."

*****

Wheeljack decided to hide any evidence of his involvement in the matter and went to blow up his lab.

*****

Maeve pouted and plotted for weeks on how to destroy Cobra for the evident insult to her height. The Joes avoided her for the entirety of the time. As for Sgt. Slaughter, during the first week after the fiasco, whenever he saw Maeve he broke down into sobs of terror. After that, he was fine, Duke hired the psychologist that worked with him on the spot, for being a miracle worker.

*****

Optimus stood in front of his assembled staff. The other Autobots present were Wheeljack, Ratchet, Bluestreak, Red Alert, Prowl, and Ironhide. He cleared his vocal processor, "Has anyone come up with any idea as to what needs to be done with the Quad-bots? We all know that the world wouldn't be able to handle 6 sets of them for very much longer, it can barely handle 1."

Bluestreak fidgeted, "We can't kill them, sir, we just can't, it would be like killing the girls!"

Optimus sighed, "I wasn't talking about killing them, I just want to know any non-lethal alternative."

Ratchet mussed, "Optimus, you said the 'world' couldn't handle them...why don't we just send them to other worlds? I mean, they're exact mental copies of the girls, so they should be able to thrive."

Optimus frowned, "That could work...though I think they should be sent to planets with humanoid residents, to better fit in."

Prowl frowned, "Do they have to go to planets? I know that Red Alert and I were thinking about sending one set of them into orbit as orbital defenders, they wouldn't technically be on the planet then. We could even send them now and build a more permanent space station for them, shoot, we could put them on one of the Autobot stations."

Optimus nodded slowly, "As long as they don't come back to Earth, we can't risk them meeting their originals." The entirety of those gathered got full bodied shivers just thinking about that disastrous meet and greet.

Ironhide grinned, "Here's a thought, send one of the sets to Cybertron, that way they could help with the war there."

Optimus started grinning, "I'll take it up with the Quad-bots, but it would be helpful for our femmes. Anything else?"

Wheeljack started bouncing, "I've got one thing I want to do before we send them all off, I think they'll agree to it."

*****

Soundwave stared in horror at the monitor in front of him. He let out a very un-mech like shriek before sounding the base wide red-alert.

The resulting battle was not pretty, but on the plus side, they were rid of Starscream, the Quad-bots had apparently inherited their originals loathing of the whinny pansy mech. Megatron gleefully set about writing out the news to send to his beloved mate, that their son was dead. The Decepticons were drastically disturbed to see Megatron start skipping down the corridors while singing, "Ding dong, the dolt is dead...."

*****

Optimus frowned at the report, "I just want to know, were they hurtful or helpful to the Decepticons?"

Wheeljack shrugged, "I don't know, I'm just happy I won't have to hear his screeches anymore. On to other news, I've searched the database and I've found the most likely planets to send them to. One planet has humanoid residents that have a sorta bone like crest on their heads, the database calls them 'Minbari.' Another planet's residents look almost exactly like the humans, save for their ears being more pointed, they call themselves 'Vulcans.' The last planet has giant teddy bears, basically, but they regularly ally with other humanoid worlds, they call themselves 'Wookies.' Yes, I was thinking about Wooky when I heard of this planet, but these ones would truly be the less difficult for the girls to acclimate to."

Optimus nodded before solemnly stating, "May there be mercy for these planets, for I'm fairly certain they'll never be the same."

_AN: Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Should I or shouldn't I continue with the various crossovers...I'll probably just include them as omake...._

_So, to summarize, Maeve is 5' tall, has black hair that sorta swoops (i.e. it's longer in the front than the back) and comes to her chin, it's completely straight. She's got pale skin and bright green eyes._

_Shaw has the darkest tan, she's got close cropped, curly chestnut hair, she's got brown eyes._

_Gwen has a lighter tan, shoulder length chestnut hair that's typically pulled back into a bun and held in place by screwdrivers. She has black eyes._

_May has long strawberry blond hair that she wears in a ponytail, a low ponytail. She has green eyes, pale skin, but not as pale as Maeve._

_The girls' mother is Navajo and their father is Irish, that's why there's such a difference in features, they're fraternal quads, not identical in any way._


	7. Chapter 7

**Military Intelligence**

"Come on, that's not how it works!" Gwen yelled at Wooky as they drove (read rode) Bluestreak back to base.

Wooky cast Gwen an expression of pure annoyance, "I'm sitting right here, ya know! No need to yell! I'm just saying, that they would, it's ingrained in their psyche, it just is. We all know it."

"Can I say something?" Bluestreak ventured, timidly.

"NO!"

Bluestreak had never heard that tone of voice directed at him before, nor had he actually seen, in person, someone's head do a full 180 degree turn. He "meeped" and decided to keep quiet until both girls were somewhat sane again.

The argument continued on as they made it to base and got out. Bluestreak made a noise of protest as Gwen slammed the door. He was somewhat grateful that Wooky shut hers normally. He was definitely relieved when she gave him a comforting pat on the door handle, "Don't worry," she whispered, "Gwen's having a bad week, she'll be all over herself apologizing next week, so expect some pampering." She turned to see Maeve and May barreling towards the eldest quad. She smirked and muttered, "It seems that no one's too happy with her about that one. I'll tell ya what happens later." With one last pat she sauntered after the struggling Gwen and the angry M&M duo.

*****

Gwen growled as she was thrown into one of the chairs in the M&M's room. She flinched back when Maeve matched it and leveled one of her more malevolent looks at the mechanically inclined quad. May matched Maeve's glare with one of her own, "Care to explain why you were abusing Blue?"

Gwen started to protest when Maeve hissed, "Think back to what you just did! Just because you're PMSing doesn't mean you can take it out on everyone else. Even I watch what I'm doing around Perry of all people when I'm going through it, so don't you dare say it was justified!"

Wooky quietly slipped in, "Gwen, you're going to need to do some major groveling."

Gwen flinched, "Okay, I'll agree. I'm just really starting to get annoyed."

Maeve frowned, "What could possibly annoy you that much?"

Gwen glared, jumped up and started pacing, "I'm getting sick and tired of those cracks about Military Intelligence! It makes me sick!"

Wooky glared at her, "It wasn't a crack about Military Intelligence! It was an observation! I mean, somehow, someway a big red button that says, 'do not push' will draw in anyone! It's like an open invitation! Seriously everyone wants to push the button!"

"NO THEY WILL NOT! These people are from a highly trained Counter Terrorism organization, there's no way they'd hit the button!" Gwen growled, May nodded, seeing where she was coming from.

Wooky sighed, "Yes, they would, it is ingrained into everyone's blasted psyche! Like moths to a flame, are people to the big red button!"

Maeve nodded her support of Wooky, "They would, how else do you explain all the false fire alarms at school?" At Gwen's incredulous look, Maeve hurriedly continued, "That didn't involve us and our pranks?"

Gwen's eyes narrowed, "Teenagers, hormones, and complete idiocy?"

Wooky threw her hands up in exasperation, "C'mon, Maeve."

Maeve trotted after Wooky, Gwen frowned, "Where are you going?"

Wooky turned, "We're going to go prove our point, feel free to discuss the 'reality' of human intelligence, or you can help and at least find some source of amusement in this whole thing."

*****

Viper 2 and Viper 4 crept along the halls, which was quite amusing, as they were sneaking around in broad daylight, tip toeing (in an exaggerated manner) around various crowds of Joes. Most of the Joes were staring in complete shock that their latest nemesis' were being so blatant in their acts. Many Joes started giving chase, yelling at the two Vipers to stop. To their consternation, the Vipers did, they turned to look over their shoulders and simultaneously put a finger over where a normal person's lips would be, before they started tip toeing off.

Gung-ho watched in confusion, "Were we just told to 'shut up?'"

Cover Girl frowned, "I believe we were. What are those two up to?"

Lifeline looked around before sighing, "What I really don't want to know, but probably should, is where are the other two?"

Everyone looked around, and sure enough, there were only two Vipers instead of the normal four. Cold chills ran down the backs of the gathered Joes. As one the Joes did about faces and gave chase to the half of the Viper squad that they could see. They were all reluctantly impressed when the two Vipers somehow managed to run...while tip toeing.

*****

May and Gwen waited in Gwen's room for their amusement to begin. They heard movement outside the door and quickly moved to hide the monitor they were currently watching. Gwen stood casually in front of the monitor, her bathrobe on and opened wide, obscuring the screen. May gave her an odd look before moving to make like she was painting her toenails. Their door opened and Sgt. Slaughter walked in, Maeve held out in front of him by her collar and Wooky following with a bemused expression on her face as she closed the door with a click and locked it. He frowned as he saw Gwen, "What in the blazes do you think you're doing, flashing a television screen? What's going on here, anyways? These two were sneaking around with a bucket of popcorn and a case of sodas."

"What's wrong with that, sir?" May asked as she capped the bottle of polish.

"It's broad daylight, by your standards, and they were giggling like chipmunks while they were doing so."

Maeve turned to look at him, "Chipmunks giggle? Cool, I'll have to get me some!"

Slaughter frowned at her and gave her a shake, which very nearly caused her to spill the popcorn. She hissed at him in annoyance, "Careful, I might not share!"

Gwen sighed, as she turned around, revealing that she was wearing shorts and a loose t-shirt, "Well, you see sir...."

Slaughter put Maeve down and held up a hand, "I want to know what your explanation for the robe thing would have been had I not been who I am."

Gwen grinned, "Well, the people on the TV were downright rude, crude, and insulting! They said I was fat and needed to go to the gym, mister! So I was just showing them that I was anything BUT fat!" she fluttered her eyelashes at him before opening her eyes innocently wide.

"That might work for either of these two jokers, but you're the normal one. Why do you think that would work for you?"

"I'm having a bad week, if you had sisters you'd understand, and well, my bad weeks leave me a little crazy." she then started to cackle and rub her hands together. Slaughter twitched, Gwen continued, "You'll have to get used to girls going crazy every once in a while, after all, you've got Maeve...and she's far, far worse than you can ever imagine."

Slaughter frowned and shook his head, "I don't even want to know...." he muttered under his breath. He started to leave when he heard Maeve's delighted crow of, "It's starting!" He turned and saw all the girls dive for prime spots in front of their monitor. He decided that while he'd just been dragged further into their insanity he'd have to stay to see what was happening. He took a seat beside Maeve and stole some popcorn, "So what did you girls do?"

Gwen looked back at him, "We're trying to prove a point, that military intelligence does exist."

Wooky kicked Gwen's seat in annoyance, "And we're trying to prove that _human_ intelligence has its limits."

Maeve nodded enthusiastically, "And those limits are big red buttons!"

Slaughter nodded slowly, "Which is why the military did away with the big red buttons and started using small red, green, blue, white, and yellow ones."

May turned around slowly, "You mean to tell me...."

Slaughter's face was solemn, "Humans are drawn to big red buttons like moths are drawn to a flame. It is really bad if there's a sign that says 'DON'T PUSH,' I mean seriously, those are typically the self destruct type deals." He frowned as Maeve and Wooky collapsed in hysterical laughter, "What's this about, and why are there Joes on your monitor looking at....well, crud."

*****

Flint was frowning at the box on the wall in front of him. Duke was looking at the sign beside it with a puzzled expression. Wild Bill straightened his sunglasses, "You reckon this is some sort of joke?"

Duke frowned, "Maybe, it could also be a psychology test."

Ace started laughing, "To push, or not to push, that is the question." Snake-eyes had wisely decided to stay away from the box. He leaned against the walls, watching his more naive colleagues.

Wild Bill shrugged, "Shoot, it ain't attached to any 'lectronics, I say push it." He reached out and did just that. An explosion of phosphorescent green and purple paint covered the Joes gathered around the box. Duke reached up and wiped the paint away from his eyes before turning to level a number 5 "Mommy" look at the Texan. Bill chuckled nervously, "Uh...oops?"

**OMAKE**

Gwen frowned as she watched all three of her sisters approach. Gung-ho, Snake-eyes, and Lifeline sat straighter, something was wrong. Maeve and Wooky had expressions of supreme annoyance on their faces and May looked to be horribly embarrassed about something, there had to be a story and they definitely wanted to hear it.

Gwen started talking as soon as they were in range, "Are you girls okay?"

"Oh, we're just peachy." Wooky growled.

"What's wrong?" Gung-ho asked.

Maeve growled under her breath before motioning to May, who was blushing and looking at the ground. Maeve hissed out, "She's what's wrong, here Wooky and I are, we spend all that time and effort, blood, sweat, and tears, to teach her how to fight and defend herself. We teach her several styles of martial arts and this is what happens!"

Gwen frowned, "What happened?"

Wooky started pacing, "We were coming out of the bookstore, we got some real goodies, by the by, when this little punk decides he wants to mug May."

Lifeline's eyes widened, "Are you alright, May? Did he hurt you?"

Gung-ho, Snake-eyes, and Gwen all snorted, there was no way May was hurt.

May blushed hard, "I'm fine...." she whispered.

Wooky's frown increased, "Like Maeve said, here the two of us are, we spent so much time and effort to make certain our geeky sister knew enough to protect herself from all that's wrong with the world, and what does she do? She forgets every blasted thing we taught her and hauled off and maimed that wretch with her purse, or all thing, HER PURSE!" May's blush had reached epic proportions by now.

Gung-ho frowned as he considered, he knew how many books the girls got on a regular basis, "Why not just use the books, they're heavier and would do more damage."

All four girls turned horrified eyes to him, "And damage the book?! You heathen!"

Snake-eyes snickered before he started signing to Wooky. Wooky frowned, "What do you mean there's an established art out there called 'purse-fu'? Are you serious?" at Snake-eyes nod her face cleared slightly, "Well...I guess it isn't that bad then...it just rankles...." She sighed and walked off with May and Maeve.

Gwen turned to Snake-eyes when they were out of hearing range, "There's not really a 'purse-fu' out there, is there?" she gave Snake-eyes her patented "mother knows all" look. Snake-eyes somehow managed to look sheepish as he shrugged, he signed an answer to her, "_Just ask any woman who carries a heavy purse, yes there is an art to wielding the purse. Why do you think the little old ladies carry so many heavy thing in their purses? They are the true masters of this art."_ Gwen's laughter could be heard throughout the building.


	8. Chapter 8

**Tank You Very Much**

_AN: No chicken's were hurt in the making of this story. Sorry if I offend anyone over the use of (old) news topics, I'm not meaning to sound racist or anything, just using news. I don't own the Joes, nor do I own Rolemaster. Maeve and Gwen belong to me, Wooky to my sister, and May to a friend._

Sgt. Slaughter was a brave man, but being brave didn't make him fool-hearty, at least he like to think that. So when Sgt. Slaughter saw Spirit, Gung-ho, and Snake-eyes walking towards him with looks screaming, "We are here to murder you," well he knew better than to approach them. He did an abrupt turn and started walking towards a large crowd of students reasoning that the three angry Joes wouldn't kill him in front of so many witnesses. He wondered, in the back of his mind, just why there were so many cadets gathered. Such thoughts were chased from his mind as he heard metal scraping metal. He ducked and felt wind passing over him. He didn't even stop to look as he ran for the shelter of the crowd. Spirit, Gung-ho, and Snake-eyes gave chase.

Slaughter noticed that the crowd of cadets were gathered around the back of a tank. A tank, a lovely, armored, safe haven of a vehicle...which he noticed had Wooky climbing down into it with Maeve standing by the turret waiting her turn to climb in and an instructor standing by. He didn't wait, didn't even stop to think about the sanity of the thought that the McWerrin quads equaled safety, no, he just dived in after Wooky. Maeve nearly lost her balance and had to latch onto the turret to keep herself upright.

Wooky yelped as she was forced into the driver's seat by the Slaughter's panicked dive. She looked up, wide eyed, at her Sergent's frightened face. Hearing a noise she looked up to the tank's hatch and saw Snake-eyes. She didn't know how someone wearing a full face mask could look murderous, but she had to give to credit Snake-eyes, he managed it admirably. Gwen and May, both of whom had gotten into the tank before her, made strangled noises. Slaughter yelled, "DRIVE!" which managed to drown out Maeve's indignant cries. Wooky didn't really stop to think, she simply followed orders and hit the gas.

^..^

Duke watched in growing horror and amusement from the safety of his office. He really didn't want to know why Snake-eyes seemed to be intent on killing Slaughter, he really didn't. He couldn't help but think, _'Quads + Slaughter + tank = mayhem.'_ Sure enough, Snake-eyes leaped at the tank shortly after Slaughter dove in. Maeve, having regained her balance nearly lost it again. She grabbed hold of the turret and started yelling at Snake-eyes. The gathered cadets were thrilled by the show, thus far. He was proved right about the equation for mayhem when the tank shot forward, knocking Snake-eyes off and back. Maeve yelped, latched more firmly onto the tank's barrel, the tank jarred and Maeve somehow ended up straddling the barrel. Duke couldn't help but smirk at the expression that crossed Maeve's face.

He continued watching as whoever was in the driver's seat sent the tank barreling forward. Whoever it was had absolutely no idea how to drive the tank.

^_ _^

Wooky screamed and slapped a hand over her eyes...a very bad thing considering she was driving. This made everyone else scream. Gwen and May latched onto each other in utter terror. Slaughter yelled, "LEFT, NO THE OTHER LEFT!" then came the clang. Slaughter looked up and saw a grappling hook anchor itself into the hatch, he yelled in panic "GUN IT!" Maeve screamed as the tank sped forward.

^, ,^

Duke's eyes widened. Why, oh why, did Snake-eyes have to bring out the grappling hook? He watched as the ninja tossed the hook. He was fairly certain the man hadn't thought things out, this was a sure sign of how far the poor man had gone off the deep end. Seriously, how in the world did the man think he'd be able to stop a tank that weighed more than his car? Snake-eyes ended up reaping the fruit of his insanity and a new sport was born. Duke just hoped that Tank Skiing didn't catch on. In other news, Maeve now had her arms and legs wrapped around the tank's main barrel, she looked like a demented koala.

^..^

"PULL YOUR HAND DOWN, WOOKY!"

"NO! TELL ME WHEN IT'S OVER!"

"RIGHT!"

"THANKS FOR AGREEING!"

"NOOOOO, TURN RIGHT!"

"THE OTHER RIGHT!"

"LEFT, RIGHT, NO, I DIDN'T MEAN TURN RIGHT, TURN LEFT!"

"HEY, IN THERE, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, WE CAUGHT A GOOD FIVE FEET OF AIR THERE!"

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

^_ _^

Bluestreak watched as the tank went barreling by again. He tapped into the ARC's communication system and sent a video of what he was seeing. "Optimus, sir should I stop this?"

Optimus watched the feed, "Negative, Bluestreak, this is entirely too entertaining to end."

^..^

Duke, having decided that he didn't really want to know what was going on with the tank, the quads, the Sgt., and the ninja was a happy man. The Vipers were being relatively quiet, Cobra was being its usual incompetent self, and he hadn't heard anything from the misfits under his command. He was happily camped out in his office, catching up on his paper work, he should have known the relative peace wouldn't last. _'Hark, I hear screams, they must be bringing the tank back...why does it sound like there's another scream in the chorus?'_ Duke didn't want to look, he really didn't, but he couldn't ignore the rampant curiosity. He turned, his eyes widened as he saw the tank go barreling past. Maeve had moved to the front of the tank's barrel, still straddling it. Her arms, however, were no longer wrapped around it in a death grip, no, she now seemed to be waving Wild Bill, of all people, in front of the tank like a matador goading a bull. Wild Bill, for his part, was running in air and gripping Maeve's wrists/forearms in a death grip he was also extremely...colorful, he had paint splattered all over him. Duke's door chose that moment to smash in.

Duke turned around to see Scarlet, Ace, Flint, Lady Jaye, and some random instructor piling into his office. He was well aware of the fact that his eyes were bugged out and about the size of saucers. Scarlet ignored how he looked and launched herself at Duke, "Do something!" she wailed.

Duke frowned at her, "Do what? I know the quads have commandeered the tank for some reason, but what do you expect me to do, put out spikes and hope the tank stops? What's been going on?"

Ace smirked, "The tank's been rampaging along the campus. What's got Scarlet in a tizzy is the fact that it somehow got into the commissary, and somehow they didn't break the doors, walls, or windows," Scarlet started muttering something about the laws of physics and improbability here, "and while they were in the commissary they picked up another passenger."

Duke nodded, "I saw Wild Bill, why is Maeve playing matador with him?"

"'Cause if she hadn't grabbed him he'd have fallen under the tank and become Wild Bill pancakes." Flint stated.

"Ah, that makes sense...I guess."

"Not really, but I'll explain it. Wild Bill was jarred off one of the second story balconies, he landed...more specifically he straddled the barrel of the tank," Ace paused, flinching along with all the males present, "he made the oddest squeaking sound, crossed his eyes, and started to fall over. Maeve, I dunno how she did this, but she did, shimmied up to the end of the barrel, where he was and caught him before he went under." Ace had to stop here due to the fact that the screams were getting louder. They faded away after a bit.

Duke looked at them, "Why's Bill painted?"

Flint flinched before stepping forward, "I had some of my cadets doing some practice runs, had to use paint guns as all the sensors were shot. They were all very startled when the tank went barreling through the training field. Thankfully they all think it was part of the exercise...though why they'd think that I do not yet know. It actually makes me wonder where some of these kids come from...."

Duke nodded, "Okay," he sighed, "What about the feathers?"

"Feathers?" four incredulous voices asked.

Lady Jaye sighed and stepped forward, "We're going to need to reorder some more pillows, mattresses, and chickens."

"Why in the world would we need some new chickens?" Duke asked as he brought his hands to his head, in the vain hope of staving off a headache.

"Apparently the cook decided that all the canned chicken came from China, had salmonella, or some other such nonsense. This led him to come to the conclusion that all packaged chicken was bad and so he needed to have live chickens to use in the recipes that required chicken." Duke looked decidedly queasy. Lady Jaye nodded, "I'm thinking that the quads had something to do with it."

"Why?"

"Well, not the quads, specifically, but their Uncle Charlie, you know the man that's obsessed with Russia and conspiracy theories?"

"Ah." Duke shook his head vigorously, he really didn't want to know about it, "Okay, just why were the quads allowed anywhere near a tank?"

The random instructor stepped forward, "In my defense, they weren't supposed to drive it, they were just supposed to learn the gunnery, navigation, and other parts of it. We're supposed to be teaching the cadets about these things."

Duke frowned, "Then why did they decide to commandeer the blasted thing?"

"They're following orders?"

"WHAT?!"

"Sgt. Slaughter dove into the tank looking like he was being chased by rabid wolves, named Snake-eyes, and ordered Wooky to drive."

"You mean, for all the chaos they're causing right now we can't even punish them?"

"Well you could, but you'd have to punish the Sergent first." Silence filled the office, though it was soon broken by screams. Duke and the others looked out the window and watched the tank pass again.

^_ _^

Maeve's shoulders were screaming in pain, Maeve was just screaming, so was Wild Bill for that matter.

"If I go under, I'm taking you with me!" Wild Bill yelled, he then paled as Sgt. Slaughter erupted from the hatch.

"YOU WILL NOT TAKE MAEVE WITH YOU!"

Bill whimpered, and thought to himself _'Crud, now I made her boyfriend mad at me.'_

****Duke frowned, why did Bill look so scared, sure Slaughter was frightening when mad, but he wasn't that bad.****

Maeve glared at Bill, "If I was going to let you fall, I'd have done so 3 mile ago!"

"IS IT SAFE TO LOOK YET?"

"WOOKY GET YOUR HAND OFF OF YOUR EYES! YOU'RE DRIVING!"

Maeve looked at Bill, Bill looked at Maeve, their eyes widened, they resumed screaming simultaneously. The tank chose that moment to give and odd clunking shudder before it halted. Maeve and Bill stared before coming to their senses and scrambling off the tank to safety. They waited anxiously off to the side. Snake-eyes, taking advantage of the tank's inactivity ran forward. Slaughter leaped out of the tank and took off dodging past Duke and taking shelter in his office. Duke walked over to the tank and watched as Maeve hit the dirt, she looked awfully pale and shaky. Wooky, Gwen, and May emerged from the tank. Gwen and May hit the dirt and started worshiping the ground vowing never to allow Wooky to drive them, ever again. Wooky, for her part finally removed her hands from her eyes, "Is it safe to look yet?"

**OMAKE**

Optimus sighed as his long range communication panel beeped. He really didn't have time for this, but he answered anyways. "Elita-1, hello." he was rather surprised to hear from his mate, especially so soon after her last message.

Elita eyed her mate, "I don't know if I should hug you or kill you."

Optimus' optic ridge arched, "Oh?"

"We got your reinforcements. They are...unique. You'll be most surprised to see them again when you come back to Cybertron."

Optimus frowned behind his mask, "That sounds rather ominous, Elita."

Elita laughed, it had a rather maniacal ring to it. She became serious again, "How long have they been friends with Soundwave and his cassettes?"

Optimus shrugged, "I don't know, nor do I want to know. It is the oddest relationship I've ever seen, but it keeps them safe when they fall into Decepticon hands. Why, what did they do?"

"They apparently have been involved in an ongoing game of...Magic?"

Optimus twitched and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Yes, every time they've been captured they drag Soundwave into a game. It has long been thought that anytime they want to play Magic and Bluestreak, Wheeljack, Ratchet, or Red Alert are unavailable they go out and allow themselves to be captured. Though, I will admit, the few times we've captured Soundwave or his cassettes they don't seem to fight too much and are always dragged into a game when they get here."

"That's relieving, actually."

"What happened?"

"We were in the middle of a battle and it broke out into a game of Magic."

"What?"

Elita giggled, "Soundwave's cassettes were out, they saw the girls, called 'time out' of all things, and dragged them into a game of Magic, not that the girls fought very hard. Soundwave stood guard and shot anyone that took the fight too close, even the Decepticons. Eventually the Decepticons decided to see what the deal was and peacefully wandered over to see what the big deal was. We also decided to observe...for safety purposes only, of course."

"Of course."

"So, the battle ended with the littlest one sending her squirrels of doom over to stomp on Rumble. We parted ways with the Decepticons elicited promises from the quad bots to provide them with their own Magic cards. Which is why I've contacted you, I need..." here Elita rummaged for a data pad, "Ah, here it is, I need 5 black decks, 6 reds, 3 blues, 4 greens, and 2 white."

Optimus looked at her incredulously, "And I'm supposed to go out and buy them for our enemies?"

Elita looked at him mildly, "Yes, and then super size them using Wheeljack's thingy. Do you want us to fight battles with guns or with cards?"

"Good point."


	9. Chapter 9

**These Green Shirts Can Save Themselves**

The name McWerrin was synonymous with many things; lack of sanity, homicidal tendencies, psychosis, morbidity, common sense, and imagination. The name was also synonymous with sheer, grade A stubbornness, and a refusal to put the bearers of said name in situations where they could not save themselves. Which is why 4 bearers of the McWerrin name found themselves wondering how in the blazes they'd gotten themselves into a situation where they might, just might need rescuing.

Gwen and May were bound and determined that it was all Wooky and Maeve's fault. Wooky and Maeve were, after all, the front liners of their group, the tanks, as it were. The fact that Maeve and Wooky were running on their third day straight of a random bout of insomnia was the reason they'd gotten caught in the first place. Maeve, for her part, couldn't care less, she was too busy being annoyed that she'd been hog-tied and was busy eying the knees of the Cobra soldiers that had done that dastardly deed. In her mind she was already laying out the ground work for a new martial arts style, the snake style, they just needed to get those knees near her and she'd try it out.

Wooky was eying the two Dreadnoks that were approaching her with rope in their hands. She knew that things were looking bad but for the life of her she couldn't help but think of a particular martial arts style that she wanted to invent, and like it or not, Zartan and Buzzer were going to be the guinea pigs for the first and only move in this style so far. Glancing out of the corner of her eye she saw Maeve wiggling around, heading straight for Torch and Ripper, who were laughing at her, a biiiiig mistake on their part. Wooky was slightly confused as to why Maeve was wiggling like that, though, it almost looked like she was trying to impersonate either a snake or a worm.

Gwen and May were shifting around on their feet. The Cobra soldiers standing near them weren't too awfully worried, May and Gwen were, after all, the sane ones of the quads. The soldiers did pay attention when Gwen finally huffed out a sigh and shrugged out of her pack grumbling at the weight of the thing. May kept her expression neutral, both she and Gwen had seen the looks entering the eyes of the more insane half of the quartet and they were going to be ready for what came. The McWerrin quads might have been green shirts, but there was absolutely no blasted way they were going to sit there like damsels in distress and wait for a rescue. No, they'd rescue themselves, thank you very much.

Wooky grinned as Zartan and Buzzer got close enough, talk about good timing, Maeve was already, apparently, where she wanted to be...if the change in her posture and movements was anything to go by. Maeve was now on her knees swaying from side to side like a drunken or dizzy worm, Torch and Ripper were nearly doubled over in laughter at the insane munchkin. Wooky was abruptly brought back to the task at hand when Zartan lunged to grab her hand and ended up copping a feel of her bum instead. She shrieked, "Rodent style! Squirrel Nut Cracker!" and lashed out with her steel toed combat boots. She hit with such force that Zartan levitated three feet in the air. Buzzer lunged for her, but she found that she'd rather enjoyed her new move and employed it again. She heard another scream coming from Maeve's direction.

Maeve saw Wooky move out of the corner of her eye then she struck, she lunged forward and sank her teeth into Ripper's knee. Ripper shrieked out and started shaking his leg to get her off. Torch cried out, "I'll help ya Ripper!" This is when Maeve decided to expand into the Snake style's second move, using the momentum of Ripper's kicking leg she swung her body around and somehow managed to hook her ankles around Torch's neck. She then jerked her body in a move that strongly resembled something from the WWE, and managed to swing Torch to the ground. So now, Ripper was shaking his leg and flinging a determined Maeve around like a rag doll while Maeve and locked her jaw on his knee cap and was busy gnawing at it while using her momentum to fling poor Torch around in some rather punishing impacts.

Gwen and May, after shaking themselves out of their stunned amazement, jumped into the fray. Gwen grabbed the straps of the pack and swung it down onto the head of one of the two Cobra soldiers that were guarding them. May followed her lead and nailed the other, this took the two soldiers with readily available guns out of the fight. 50 pound packs coming down on someone's head will pretty much take anyone out of a fight. Gwen and May looked up to see that Wooky was cackling loudly while kicking Zartan and Buzzer painfully towards Maeve. Maeve apparently saw this as well because at the apex of one of her swings she abruptly let go and went flying towards Zartan, who's knee she promptly sank her teeth into. Zartan followed Ripper's example of kicking his leg to rid himself of the determined girl, Maeve followed her own example by going back into the second form of Snake style and latched onto Buzzer's neck with her ankles. Wooky particularly enjoyed this due to the fact that it gave her a moving target to employ her Rodent Style move on.

Gwen looked at May and muttered, "Have you noticed that when they're sleep deprived they get rather...sadistic?"

May grinned, "They copped a feel of Wooky, they deserve it. What's Maeve's new style called the 'Sadistic Worm Style' or something along those lines?"

"Dunno, but I think I'm going to put those poor dolts out of their misery. We're trying to escape, remember."

May nodded and ran to take out the two abandoned and groaning Dreadnoks. After she'd knocked them out with her military style purse fu she grabbed Buzzer's chainsaw and headed back to Maeve. Gwen had since handled Zartan and Buzzer and was dragging Maeve away from them. Once they'd freed Maeve's hands and feet they made a run for it.

All in all, they'd spent maybe 30 minutes in Cobra custody, 10 of which was spent at the Cobra base.

****

The quads dashed down an alley way to escape their pursuers. Gwen hissed, "We're not going to be able to get away running like this. We're human, they're sending out drones. Seriously, stamina wise we're at the lower end of the equation. I hate to say it, but we might have to hide until the other Joes get here.

Maeve and Wooky swung around to look at her, Gwen actually squeaked and jerked back. Wooky growled, "We won't be saved! We'll get ourselves out of this!"

"How?"

"Car." Maeve grinned, pointing at the black and red Ferrari across the street.

"Yes, Maeve," Gwen huffed in annoyance, "It's a car, a pretty car."

Maeve gave her an odd look, "I know, it's a very pretty car. I pointed out the very pretty car in a, 'hey look, there's our ticket out of here,' sorta way."

"You're talking about stealing a car?!"

"I prefer the term 'borrowing for the greater good,' thank you very much." Maeve stated in annoyance. She knelt and dug into her boot. Her sisters saw her stand back up with a pocket knife in hand. Before Gwen could stop her Maeve darted forward and jimmied the lock of the Ferrari this was around about the time their position was discovered. Maeve had unlocked both doors and managed to shift the driver's seat forward when she was startled by her formerly reluctant quads diving into the back seat, such as it was. She shrugged and shoved the seat back before climbing into the driver's seat and closing the door. They never noticed the odd purple mask markings on the doors.

They all ducked beneath the red tinted windows as the Cobra drones passed. Maeve noticed something that made her put her pocket knife away, someone had been dumb enough to leave their keys in the ignition.

Wooky looked around the back seat with a puzzled frown, "Hey, Gwen," she whispered, "If we're all back here...then who's going to drive this thing?" Had they looked forward they'd have noticed that the Cobra drones had lined up in the street similar to a bowling pin formation. Had they looked to the front seat they would have seen the look of pure devilish delight that crossed Maeve's face.

Gwen looked around the back seat at Wooky's question before she paled. Wooky was behind the driver's seat, May was in the middle, and Gwen was behind the passenger's seat, that left.... She met Wooky's terrified eyes and screamed when the car shot forward.

****

Wildrider had barely begun to wonder why there were fleshies in his seat when the smallest of the squishy people hit his accelerator.

****

Maeve threw her head back and cackled madly as she played her new favorite sport, bowling for Cobra. She paid no attention to her sisters as they screamed in the back seat until Wooky screamed that they were trying to escape, not play demolition derby. She grinned, "Okay!" and gunned the motor once before racing out of the abandoned city that housed the Cobra base.

****

Wildrider's engine raced. He decided he rather liked the squishy that was driving.

****

Maeve knew that she was grinning like a maniac but she really couldn't bring herself to care. She decided that she rather liked driving this sports car and that she might, just might have to get her a sports car of her own sometime soon, or let Sideswipe convince her to use him as transportation instead of relying on Bluestreak...or not, she'd have to repaint him first. This Ferrari at least had a somewhat sensible color scheme. She switched on the radio and hit the classical station. This happened just as she reached a stretch of country back roads. Her sisters would have been happy with this action due to the normally calming effects of classical music...had the song playing not been "Ride of the Valkyries." Maeve shrieked in joy and floored the accelerator right as they reached the first hill.

Gwen and Wooky shrieked as they lunged forward and clung to each other in fear, May just wheezed as she was squished between her sisters. Maeve ignored them all and carried on racing down the back roads. Wooky yelled out, "MAEVE, THERE'S A TURN, A REALLY SHARP TURN!" Maeve managed to make it around the turn, but in doing so sideswiped a Lamborghini racing the other way. Wooky had a feeling of doom pass over her as she looked out the back window and saw the yellow Lamborghini sporting a black streak down its side. It had a novelty plate stating proudly, "I R Stoopid." Maeve had started to slow down to check on the alleged driver of the Lamborghini when Gwen screamed, "YOU HIT SUNSTREAKER! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE NOW!"

Maeve paled as she floored the accelerator again, this time racing off in a very real fear for their lives. She growled back at her sisters, "If he'd just choose a sensible paint color, like say black, he wouldn't have to worry about his paint job as much."

****

Wildrider decided that he didn't like the squishy driving him, no, he LOVED the girl.

****

Prowl watched as Wildrider barreled past him. He nearly panicked when he saw the McWerrin girls inside the Stunticon. The three sanest of the quads were in the back seat screaming in terror while Maeve had apparently failed to grasp the direness of the situation, she was laughing her head off. He started to give chase when he was nearly run off the road by an enraged Sunstreaker. Prowl ignored the fact that Sunny was yelling death threats at the wreck-less driver who'd scratched his paint. He sighed and pulled over to contact the girls.

He cycled through their numbers before finally getting Maeve to answer her cell phone. Her manically cheerful voice piped in his audios, "Hiiiiiiiiiii, how's it hanging?"

In the background he heard "BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL YOU EVIL CHIPMUNK OF TERROR!" he then heard sounds of a slight scuffle before Wooky's stressed voice reached his audios, "Hello, who is this? If I find out who this is...Do yOu rEaLiZe wHaT yOu JuSt DiD? YOU VERY NEARLY MURDERED US ALL BY DISTRACTING THE EVIL CHIPMUNK DRIVER, THAT'S WHAT YOU JUST DID! WHEN I FIND YOU I WILL KILL YOU SLOWLY WITH DENTAL FLOSS AND CHEESE GRATERS!"

Prowl frowned, "I fail to see how you could. I was calling to warn you girls...."

He was unable to complete the sentence due to Wooky's interruption, "Yes, we know, Sunstreaker's out for our blood. We're trying to escape as we speak."

Prowl twitched, "I was going to warn you girls that you're in Wildrider and that it might take a bit to establish a road block. Does this mean that Maeve's actually the one driving?"

"Wild...rider? You mean we carjacked a Decepticon?"

Prowl processed that sentence, "What do you mean you carjacked...?"

He was interrupted by Wooky's whoop of joy, "WE'RE SAVED!" he blinked, somehow that didn't sound right, Wooky feeling safer in a Decepticon than outside with an Autobot. Wooky's voice continued, "Hey, Gwen, listen to this, we carjacked Wildrider! Who's that, a Decepticon! We're saved, saved I tell you! Sunstreaker will believe he's the one that scratched him!" Prowl felt his processor seize up when he heard all the girls shriek in absolute joy. He managed to send a message to Ratchet before he shut down.

****

Wildrider perked up, so he was going to be the one taking the blame for scratching the frontliner's paint job? He contemplated that for a moment before deciding that if it kept his squishy alive and happy he'd enjoy taking the blame, after all didn't chicks dig heroes?

****

Maeve perked up to see the Joe base ahead of them, "Sweet, we're almost home!" Then she frowned, "But I wanna drive some more...."

Wooky lunged forward and put her youngest sister into a choke hold, "You will stop by the base, and you will let us out. Sunstreaker's getting entirely too close and we're in a blasted Decepticon, so how can you even be sure you're the one driving?"

Maeve thought about it, "Well, here's one way." she lifted her hands from the steering wheel. The Ferrari swerved and veered horribly while her sisters screamed.

****

Wildrider didn't know how he was going to do it, but he was going to marry that girl. The one designated as Wooky did have a point though, if his pretty little insane human was going to live to see their wedding then he'd have to let them out and make Sunstreaker think he was the one that had actually scratched him. He sighed before stating, "As fun as this has been, I've got a front liner to mess up, catch ya latter girls!" He swerved around and ejected the quads from his cab before shooting off towards the enraged front liner. He swerved around and marked Sunstreaker's unmarked side while laughing sadistically, "Betcha can't catch me Sunflower!"

May looked around stunned, "How is it that Maeve wound up on top of us, and did you notice he didn't throw her out with quite as much force?"

Maeve, for her part was pouting and reaching for the Ferrari, "My precious...."

Wooky shoved Maeve off the pile angrily, "You are never driving, ever again!" She was about to say more when they heard tires screech. Maeve looked up, hopefully, but pouted when she saw that it was just the Joes, all of whom were looking rather dumbfounded. Wooky glared at them and growled, "What are you looking at?"

Beachhead, who was their commanding officer and trainer (for all that they claimed Sgt. Slaughter as their CO) stood back with and odd sort of smile in his twitching eyes. Gwen noted this rather distractedly and decided that they'd done a neat job of nearly breaking the poor man's brain. Duke moved forward, "Are you girls hurt? Where were you? We tore apart 3 Cobra bases looking for you? How long did it take you to convince them to release you?"

Maeve frowned at him, she still hadn't forgiven him for his comments about her height during the whole clone thing, "Convince them to release us? We didn't, we escaped on our own...granted, I don't think Zartan much wanted to chase us, nor was he able to, but still!"

Sgt. Slaughter grinned, "What I think Duke wants to ask is, 'how did you escape, where were you held, and for how long were you in Cobra custody?' You girls have been MIA for 3 hours."

Maeve started bouncing and Wooky started grinning. May groaned and flopped back onto the ground. Gwen glared at her hyper quads, "Lifeline," she turned to the medic, "I respectfully request the use of some of your tranquilizers tonight, Maeve and Wooky on an insomniac spree is a very frightening thing."

Maeve grinned, "Be that as it may, Wooky and I've developed some devastatingly effective martial arts moves!" Slaughter grinned, he had a feeling this was going to be an interesting debriefing. He noticed Beachhead start twitching, his grin widened, "_Who knows, it might be the straw that breaks the camel's back and makes Beachhead want to get rid of the girls! Then I can steal them for my very own!"_ Slaughter broke out into malevolent cackles, making the rest of the Joes edge away from him and Maeve and Wooky join him with their own versions of the evil laughter.


	10. new idea filler 1

**Transformers Movie-verse Rolemaster Crossover**:

**Chapter 1**

Serenity, a nice peaceful name at odds with the less than peaceful environment of the town. The Postman read the address of the package and wondered at how much of an oxymoron could be found in a simple address such as "The McWerrin Ranch, Serenity, ID." He sighed, the McWerrin name should never be mentioned in the same sentence as "serenity," unless the word "wrecked" was added as well. He shook those thoughts out of his head and steeled himself for what was to come, the McWerrins could smell fear. He turned his truck onto the ranch's drive and parked, taking one last fortifying breath he left the safety of the truck and walked to the front door, containing a flinch as he heard an explosion from one of the out-buildings. He did whistle, however, as he saw the impressive smoke cloud billow out of the windows.

"Hey, George." a middle aged man called as he stepped out of the ranch house. The man paused and glanced over at the cloud of smoke. He frowned, "How did those girls get purple smoke?" He shook his head, "Never mind, I don't want to know. You got a package for us, George?"

The postman grinned sheepishly, "How'd you guess, Danny?"

"Aside from the fact that you never get this close to the house.... Honestly, we're not raving cannibals, boy."

"Sir, I married Charlie's baby girl, I live in fear for my life whenever I come anywhere near this ranch. Now, can you please sign for the package so I can flee for my life."

Danny snorted, but did as requested. He grinned as he watched George peal out of the drive. He turned towards the out-building that was enshrouded in a purple cloud, "Girls! Get over here!" He winced as he heard the crashes and something that sounded suspiciously like a chicken clucking. He decided that he really didn't want to know.

Four girls spilled out of the smoking building each yelling, "She did it!" and pointing at a different girl, his favorite was the fact that one of the girls mistakenly pointed at herself before hurrying to correct the mistake.

"I don't want to know what the four of you did, I really don't. I've got a package here from your Aunt Judy. Turns out she's getting a little bored with Sammy away at college."

The rugged looking one with chestnut colored hair and amber eyes frowned, "Doesn't he go back home to visit his folks?" She was already plotting revenge on Sammy for abandoning her favorite aunt.

"He goes by to visit when he can, Wooky, but he got into a fairly competitive and very strict university. He isn't even allowed a car his first year."

The girls nodded slowly, their cousin had a reprieve. The short, black haired, green eyed one bounced, "So, does that mean we can go visit Aunt Judy and Uncle Ron?"

Danny grinned, "Well, Maeve, your Aunt Judy and I got together recently and we decided that you four need cars. Your Aunt Judy and Uncle Ron are going to take you gals car shopping. They want you to stay with them for a couple of weeks. Judy sent me a few car catalogs for you to look through."

The tallest girl, the one with strawberry blond hair and blue-green eyes looked at the last girl, the refined looking one with chestnut colored hair and hazel eyes. Both frowned and turned to their father asking the same question, "Why and what's the catch?"

Danny sighed, "May, Gwen, not everything has to have a catch."

The refined girl glared, "May, methinks our father's trying to dupe us."

The blonde nodded, "He didn't even say that there was no catch to this scheme of his."

Danny glared, "Okay, there's a catch, a big one, I want a break from Charlie's paranoia and your mother and I are going on our third honeymoon."

Maeve choked and glared, "As long as you don't bring home another souvenir like the last one."

Gwen glared at the smallest one, "Perry isn't a souvenir!"

Wooky snorted, "That's right, he's a nuisance."

Danny frowned, then grinned, "Well, he was a fluke, believe me, if something like that happens again, it will be multiples like you four." The looks of horror they sent his way made his day.

* * * *

Judy Witwicky glanced into the back seat at her oddly quiet nieces, "Girls, is there a problem?"

Wooky shook herself out of her shock, "No, Aunt Judy. Dad just reminded us how lucky we were that Perry was the only nuisance born instead of having three of him."

Judy heard Ron snicker and poked him absently, "Why would Danny mention that?"

Maeve pouted, "Dad and Mom are going on their third honeymoon. Perry was a result of their second one."

Judy started laughing, "What, are you four worried about having more little siblings?"

Ron snorted as he saw the four enthusiastic nods in his rear view mirror. He decided to add his own bit of mental torture, "Well, girls, you do realize there was a McWerrin in your ancestry that had 50 kids, her last set was born when she was in her sixties." He had to pull over before he wrecked due to his laughter.

* * * *

Bumblebee waited patiently for Sam's parental units to return with their guests. He hadn't realized just how complicated relationships were in the human world. He was currently looking through the internet for information about family trees, he was getting more and more confused. Mother, father, grandmother (x2), grandfather (x2), great grandfather (x4) great grandmother (x4), and then the great greats, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, great aunts, great uncles, cousins once removed, twice removed, and then there were the in-laws. How did humans keep track of it all? He needed to talk to Sam.

* * * *

"Wait, Bumblebee, what are you talking about? Well, uh, Gwen, Wooky, May, and Maeve McWerrin are just regular cousins, uh, that would be 1st cousins. If they have kids those will be 2nd cousins. Mom is their dad's sister, Uncle Danny's Mom's older brother. What brought this on, more importantly, how did you hear about the sisters-of-the-apocalypse?"

Sam's roommates dove for cover as they heard his screams of terror.

* * * *

Bumblebee contacted Optimus, "Sir, can I please go to the base?"

Optimus' brow ridge arched, "Dare I ask why? We're basically on red alert due to Decepticon activity."

"Well, sir, it sounds safer than staying here."

* * * *

Judy stared at Bumblebee in consternation as they pulled up, she didn't know how a car could look terrified, but Bumblebee was managing it wonderfully. He must have contacted Sam, oh, well. "Okay, girls, you get the guest room. Um, you might want to ignore any odd noises coming from outside the house, we have some...odd neighbors. Oh, also, Sam's been doing something with robotics, so if your alarm clocks come alive go ahead and kill them." She really wished she had a camera so she could record all the odd faces her comments seemed to elicit. Judy bounced off into the house, taking some of her nieces luggage with her. She'd just barely gotten inside when the phone rang.

"Hello, Witwicky residence."

"Mom! Tell me it isn't true, tell me the apocalypse sisters aren't there!"

"Well, Sam, I wish I could, but...wait a moment sweety," she opened the window to call out to her nieces, "Girls, that's Sam's car, you aren't allowed to dismantle or otherwise modify it unless you have his consent, so stop looking at it like that! Honestly, sweety, did you have to tell poor Bumblebee about them, McWerrin's can smell fear, and the poor boy's already terrified."

"Mom, Bee's older than you by several million years, also I would be a very poor friend if I didn't warn Bee about them. Oh, oh no, I forgot to tell Miles and Mikaela about them, shoot! Mom, I love you, please, please, please, protect Bumblebee from the girls! Bye!"

Judy stared at the phone in amusement, so, it was up to her to protect the big bad Autobot? Sure, she could do that.

Maeve bounced into the room, "Hey, Aunt Judy, where did Sammy get the sweet wheels? And who did the customizing on it? I love the little mask thing!"

Judy paused, then a slow, devious smile crossed her face as one thought bounced its way merrily around her head _'REVENGE!'_ she still hadn't forgiven the Autobots for ruining her roses. "Well, dear, first thing tomorrow I'll take you girls out to the lot that sold the Camaro to Sam. I'm certain they've got more auto's like that."

Elsewhere: Autobots everywhere felt their sparks grow cold as an unknown sense of dread flooded them.

**Chapter 2**

9:00am Judy Witwicky bounced out of her house followed by an amused Ron and her favorite four nieces. They all piled into Ron's SUV and headed to a certain used car lot that had become a favorite rest area for certain out-of-town visitors. Bobby Bolivia's Used Car Lot and Petting Zoo, Wooky stared at the sign with an incredulous expression before yelping out, "Is this place legal? It looks like both a zoning violation and part of car fencing ring!" The sad thing was that Maeve, the one that typically didn't stay too connected with reality, agreed.

"Oh, it is perfectly legal, in fact, he's got government contracts as well!" Judy grinned.

Maeve snorted, "That's supposed to inspire loyalty or feelings of well being? We all know the government charges $5,000 for a toilet seat!"

Ron grinned, there was a reason why he liked Judy's side of the family, "Be that as it may, the government cleaned up Bolivia's act. Now, out you go, we've got some car shopping to do, though if I know you girls as well as I think I do, this will be the last and only stop we make."

Gwen looked at May, "Do you ever get the feeling that the people around you are talking about an inside joke that you just so happen to be the punchline to and don't know it?"

"Why yes, though that usually happens when Wooky and Maeve start plotting something." May eyed her innocent looking Aunt and Uncle dubiously before shrugging, they couldn't be as bad as the terrible twosome.

Maeve and Wooky had already gotten out of the car, Maeve was bounding around the car lot looking at anything and everything before spotting Bobby Bolivia. Now, the thing about Maeve is that she's downright terrifying and most of the time she doesn't realize it. She's used to her sisters being there to bring her back down to earth in the most humiliating way possible. She didn't realize that two of her three sisters were living in fear of the day she finally went off the deep end and decided to take over the country. She also didn't realize that Uncle Charlie and Wooky were already recruiting members for her army, though in Wooky's defense, she thought it was all in jest. Maeve bounded over to Bobby with a huge, terrifying grin that showed teeth, lots of teeth, teeth which Bobby was fairly certain were sharper and pointier than a shark's. Bobby earned the respect of three of the four quads by actually standing still and starting his sale's pitch.

Judy nudged Ron and whispered, "He's definitely getting a tip, at least as much as it costs for his therapy sessions." Ron nodded his agreement.

Bobby, for his part, breathed a sigh of relief when the small terrifying girl decided he wasn't an interesting meal and bounced away to look at his cars. The relief was short lived, however, as he saw her wander over to the "specialty" vehicles. The other sisters wandered that way as well they started looking through the vehicles. Wooky grinned, "Hey, Maeve, look at the motorcycles."

Maeve swung around to look at the aforementioned motorcycles and shuddered in revulsion, "I do not now, nor have I ever, done pink. Nor do I agree with purple, they're just pansy colors that were created to satisfy the pansy girly girls. The blue one, maybe, but doubtful, I mean, they aren't Harley Davidsons." Thus began the old argument between Maeve and Wooky about which was best, Harley Davidson or Suzuki Hyabusa. They wandered their way through the rest of the vehicles ignoring the feeling that they were being glared at by certain motorcycles and laughed at by certain vehicles.

May had already stopped by her choice and had eyes for no other, the vehicle of her choice was a 2009 silver Nissan Skyline with a thin blue streak going down its length. She ignored the red mask like decal that adorned the grill and bumper of what was going to be her new car. She hummed happily as she petted the roof of her new baby with glee. Turning around she called out to Bobby, "Mr. Bolivia, I want to test drive this one, if you don't mind."

Bobby started to protest when both Maeve and Wooky swung around to look at him. Maeve's grin reached epic proportions of terror inducing maniacal glee. Wooky's gaze was decidedly frigid, Bobby started to wonder if this is what a mouse felt like when confronted with two large and decidedly unfriendly lionesses. Make that three, for Gwen had added her disapproving gaze to Wooky's, it was like the three of them knew he was about to protest and were making their opinions known. He gulped and hurried over with the keys.

Wooky grinned as she espied the car of her dreams a 2009 Lancia Delta. She bounced over and started inspecting it. Her joy was evident when she noticed it bore the same mask decals as the Skyline. She turned and noticed that Maeve was beside a Chevrolet Volt. Maeve was crooning at the paint job which Wooky noticed had the same decals as the car she and May had picked out. Bobby whimpered as he saw where Maeve and Wooky were standing. He dared glance at the remaining sister and noticed she was still looking.

Wooky looked over at Gwen, "You looking for something you can run repairs on?"

Gwen nodded distractedly as she continued her search before her eyes finally settled on a tarp. She frowned and pulled it aside to see what lay beneath. She fell in love. A job, not only a job, a dream job. Here was a beautiful car, a Pontiac Solstice, that had been ripped in two. She didn't think to ask how it got ripped in two, just knew that it had and that it needed some drastic repairs. Her head snapped up and she crowed out, "I'll take this one!"

Bobby's eyes bugged out, oh, he was in all sorts of trouble now.

* * * *

Judy had her head buried in Ron's shoulder as she laughed. Ron grinned as he looked in the rear view mirror at the mini convoy they had going. Gwen rode with Maeve and was talking Maeve's ear off about the repairs that loomed before her. Maeve nodded and frowned slightly in distraction. Wooky's grin was nearly splitting her face and May had a dreamy look in her eyes. Ron glanced back down at his wife, shrugging his shoulder slightly to gain her attention, "Hey, Judy, you know what I'm thinking?"

Judy straightened up and schooled her expression, "No, what?"

"I'm thinking about Sammy's response when we tell him that the girls bought some Autobots." This had the effect of sending Judy into fits of laughter again, sometimes a parent's only joy in life was messing with their kids.

* * * *

Bluestreak nervously contacted Optimus, "Optimus, sir, uh, I'm sorry...."

Optimus pinched the bridge of his nose, "Bluestreak, just what happened this time."

"Well, sir, I uh, I got bought."

"Pardon?"

"Well, sir, there was a group of four human femmes. They came in with Mr. and Mrs. Witwicky to Bolivia's car lot. They were car shopping."

"You'll get to the point sometime soon, right?" Optimus ignored the look he received from Prowl.

"Well, sir, . ."

Optimus blinked, then blinked again. His processor decoded Bluestreak's run-on, "You, Wheeljack, and Volt were bought by four teenage girls, as was Jazz's body? Bluestreak, you were on stand down, you were supposed to be resting, not getting yourselves bought."

"...Sorry...?"

Optimus sighed, "It's alright, Bluestreak, you couldn't help it. You said Samuel's parental units were with them."

"Yes sir, I heard Judy talking to Ron as they passed me, she said 'Vengeance is mine!' and started laughing in a very creepy voice."

"I understand. I'll contact Samuel and find out what all of this is about."

"What should we do, sir?"

"Act like cars. Try not to let them realize you are anything other than cars."

"Sir, yes, sir."

"If things get hectic we'll have some of the soldiers steal you."

* * * *

"Optimus, not that it isn't good to hear from you, but what are you calling about?" Sam asked nervously.

"Samuel, I have a question about something."

"What about?"

"Your mother and father were seen at Bobby Bolivia's earlier today. They were in the company of four girls. These girls bought four Autobots, one of which was Jazz's body. Is there any danger for my mechs?"

"..."

"Samuel?"

"Opt, please, please tell me that Mom wasn't laughing."

"She was."

"Crap, you know Mom hasn't forgiven you for trampling her roses, right? The girls won't hurt the Autobots, but they just might make their CPUs crash."

"Why would they do that?"

"It would be unintentional, completely unintentional, but they don't touch base with reality very often. They're geniuses, mad geniuses, but still geniuses. From what I've heard of that scientist of yours...uh, Wheeljack, he'd get along well with them, especially Wooky and Maeve."

"Why?"

"Wooky is a chemistry guru. Maeve, Maeve's just chaos incarnate, she's pretty good with chemistry, mainly the parts that explode and she's the electrical guru, anything to do with electricity she knows what to do with it. Uh, I'm not explaining it well, Maeve became Wooky's favorite quad by accidentally blowing up Argon."

"Argon is a neutral gas, Samuel."

"I know, that's what makes it so scary. They are now, from recent reports, working on Neon and Krypton."

"...This does not fill me with much confidence for the survival of my soldiers, Samuel."

"Why not?"

"One of the Autobots that was purchased WAS Wheeljack."

"...Then the world as we know it is doomed. I'm going to let you go now, Opt, and start working on my Last Will and Testament."

Optimus listened to the click that signaled the canceling of their communication and tried to ignore the sense of foreboding that filled him.

**Chapter 3**

Judy watched as three of her darling nieces wandered around doing sane things. In other words, Maeve was absent, she'd gone grocery shopping. Gwen was busy trying to rebuild poor Jazz, May (bless her and her computer know-how) was working on the household computers, fixing and backing them up, retrieving lost documents and such. Wooky, her favorite, was helping Judy in the garden, trying to restore her roses to their once glorious states, and managing it fairly well. Maeve might have done a similar job, maybe even better, but she'd have to calm down and stop extolling what type of poison could be derived from what type of plant. Judy's brother's youngest daughter had some issues with morbidity. As it was, Wooky was the gardener due to an honest love of plants, Maeve gardened due to an insatiable love of poison.

Judy tilted her head in contemplation, of all of her nieces she worried the most about Maeve and to a lesser extent Wooky. She was worried that Maeve would do some deed that ended with her arrest, and the deed would likely involve murder of a pervert or some idiot in the name of getting their genes out of the gene pool. Granted, if Maeve wound up in jail Wooky would probably be there (and vice versa), sitting next to her sister and saying "That was cool, we've gotta do it again sometime." Speaking of Maeve...she just pulled up. Had Judy not been positioned as she was, facing the drive, then she'd never have known, that car was noiseless, as was Maeve.

Judy watched in amusement as her distraught niece launched herself at Wooky, who was completely unsuspecting of the attack, with a wail of dismay. Wooky, predictably enough, shrieked out in surprise and swung around, with Maeve still attached to her. Wooky, being Wooky, had an automatic reaction for situations like this, get in a defensive stance, look for weaknesses, and beat the living crap out of whoever was after her sister(s). Granted, Wooky typically didn't have to worry about Maeve in such situations, but instinct is instinct. Judy glanced at the Autobots, who were actually as at "attention" as a car could look, the Autobots were probably thinking something along the lines of Decepticon attack.

Wooky looked around frantically for whatever had spooked Maeve of all people, seeing nothing she fumed and yelled at the munchkin clinging to her waist, "DON'T DO THAT!" Wooky glanced down at Maeve's large, distressed eyes and groaned, "What's wrong, now?"

Maeve whimpered, "My car!"

Judy nearly snickered as she got the impression of Bumblebee, Wheeljack, and Bluestreak swinging their attention to Jolt in accusing gazes.

Wooky sighed, "What's wrong with it? Did you break it already?"

Judy, with an instinct all mother's had, knew, just knew that Ratchet was now listening through either Bumblebee or Wheeljack.

Maeve glared indignantly at her sister, "No! I bought...I bought an...a...a pansy electric car!"

Judy lost it, and she was certain Jolt had a rather indignant expression on his face.

"And, so, the problem is...?" Judy really had to marvel at Wooky's patience.

Maeve wailed, "There's no VROOM!"

Wooky's eyes were rolling like ball barrings now, "Didn't you realize that when you test drove it?"

"I was behind you! I heard your VROOM and thought it was mine!" Wooky finally broke down into gales of hysterical laughter and Maeve continued, ignoring her sister's laughter, she was used to it, "Not only that, but it only goes up to 100mph! What kind of self respecting car goes so slow! It is supposed to be a Volt, when you think Volt you think Bolt, you think fast, nooooo, I gotta slow car!"

Wooky finally got herself under control, "Firstly you can't steal my VROOM, it's mine, you can't have it. Beyond that, well, it is too late to take it back, now, so you're just going to have to deal with it or fix it. I mean, I'm the chemistry guru, Gwen's the mechanical guru, and you're the electrical guru. Electrical guru...electrical car, you just need to tweak it.

Jolt stared in horror as the smallest human femme slowly turned and eyed him like Wheeljack eyed a possibly explosive compound. A grin started to form on her face, a most terrifying grin, and Jolt knew fear.

* * * *

Optimus sipped his fuel ration and grimaced at the flavor, they were going to have to find a way to develop energon soon or there would be a revolt among his soldiers, he would lead it. He took another sip of fuel right when his com unit paged him. He absently answered it, noticing Ratchet tuning into the same channel. The opening words were not expected, especially from as calm a mech as Jolt.

"I'm being defiled!" Optimus did an actual spit take. Will Lennox yelped as he dodged the fuel and the Autobots in the commissary stared at their Prime.

"Explain!" Optimus barked.

"Please do." Ratchet growled.

"The femme that purchased me is crawling around under my hood! She's muttering something about 'VROOOOM' and she's," Jolt broke off with a yelp, "HEY, DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

Ratchet pinched the bridge of his nose, "Please tell me you didn't say that aloud."

Jolt muttered, "Sure, I did, I said it to you!"

Optimus sighed, "What did she do?"

Jolt whimpered, "She's fooling around with my power train! She's going after my batteries now! Prime, please save me!"

Ratchet grumped, "Stop being a sparkling. It isn't like she can do any damage to you. Just keep her away from your CPU and your spark casing, you should be fine."

"Optimus..." Jolt whined.

"I can't condone theft unless she's hurting you, is she?"

"...No, it is just mightily uncomfortable."

"Then you must endure."

"As you wish, Prime."

Optimus sighed before a contemplative look crossed his face, "I wonder, what would happen if we recruited those girls and sent them after the Decepticons?"

Ratchet's brow arched, "Either total inhalation of the Decepticons of they'd be recruited to their cause, from what I hear."

* * * *

The relative peace and quiet of a morning in the Witwicky household was disturbed by a piercing shriek from the M&M guest room, i.e. Maeve and May's room. Judy heard Gwen yell out, "My word, Maeve's trying to kill May!"

Wooky's reply was, "Why Maeve? May might have blown a fuse and decided to murder Maeve."

May ran out of the M&M room at that point in time trailing soap suds and barely keeping her robe closed. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, "KILL IT MAEVE! KILL IT DEAD!"

Gwen looked and Wooky, "May's getting redundant, it must be bad." Wooky grabbed May and Gwen and stepped back right as some robotic...thing skittered past them with Maeve, clad in her pjs, hot on its heels brandishing a katana with a positively gleefully homicidal look on her face.

Judy glanced out towards the drive as Maeve chased the little robotic thing outside. The Autobots had onlined to May's scream and were debating transforming when Maeve ran the mini robot down right in front of them and started hacking at it with her sword, cackling all the while. What disturbed them the most was the fact that she was chanting, "All perverts must die, all perverts must die long, slow, painful deaths. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA DIE PERVERT, DIE!"

Judy walked out looking remarkably calm and unruffled, "Maeve, dear, it is a bit early in the morning to kill things, isn't it? Why are you killing it, by the way?"

Maeve stopped in her slaughter and looked up at her aunt with a blank look in her eyes, "Its never too early in the morning to kill things. Until recently this thing was the shower radio. May took a shower, it changed forms and nearly goosed her with that rocket thingy. Ergo, therefore, and whatnot, it is a pervert and it must die." With that she rammed her katana straight down into the robot's head. The little robot fell over and started twitching. Silence reigned for a few moments.

Judy looked down at the twitching robot, "Well, I think it is dead now."

At that point in time Judy realized something, May was in Wooky and Gwen's room, which had a window facing the drive, the window was open and May was dangling halfway out of it in a borrowed t-shirt and bathrobe. May yelled out, "It isn't dead yet! Its still twitching!"

Judy never thought she'd see the day when Maeve actually had a put upon look, but that was the only way the look on Maeve's face could be described. Maeve sighed, "May, the thing's twitching 'cause my sword's stuck in the part that on most things controls the nervous system and reactions. If, however, you still want me to kill it deader, I shall happily do so." With that Maeve jerked her sword out of the little monster and grabbed one of Uncle Rob's sledge hammers. Grinning madly Maeve swung the hammer down onto the still mildly twitching robot. By the time she was through the robot was nothing more than metallic dust.

Jolt was fairly certain that Bumblebee and Bluestreak were going to have nightmares about this scene for the rest of their lives, he was certain _he_ was going to have nightmares for the rest of _his_ life. He didn't know about Wheeljack. He was, however, certain that Wheeljack employed such methods for some of his more...shall we say out of control experiments.

* * * *

The day passed and the Autobots truly began to worry about their chances of making it through this ordeal with their CPUs intact. Maeve was still making like a monkey and crawling all over Jolt. Wooky was playing with chemical compounds to make fuel more...interesting. May was out with Aunt Judy, shopping for computer related stuff, and Gwen, Gwen had soldered Jazz's frame together with a special soldering compound that she, Wooky, and Maeve had come up with, the patented solder was called "Super Solder" and was actually being bought in bulk by the military for unknown purposes. Now, however, Gwen was replacing and connecting various wires and tubing with a positively befuddled look upon her face. While Gwen was doing this she was also singing to herself, "This wire's connected to...that thing...that tube's connected to...that other thing, but that other thing shouldn't be there so it should be connected to this thingy-ma-bober right here." Bumblebee was allowing Ratchet to observe the repairing of Jazz through his optics and audios. He cringed as he heard Ratchet's shouts of frustration and fury.

All in all it was a relatively peaceful time. It remained peaceful until a certain Jock named Trent DeMarco drove up. Bumblebee automatically contacted Sam. Sam, luckily, was studying in his dorm room when the call came.

"Sam! That human male, Trent, is here! He's seen your cousins, how should I proceed?"

Sam's eyes widened, a positively evil grin stole across his face, "Don't interfere and tell me what Maeve and Wooky do to him."

"Sam!"

"Bee, they can take care of themselves. Maeve and Wooky are just the meanest of the four."

Bumblebee shuddered as he remembered Maeve's retribution against the perverted mini robot, he had to agree with Sam there. Bee sighed and watched as Trent sauntered up to where the girls were working. The girls ignored the jock until he had the nerve to whistle, "Well, now, I don't know how dweeb boy does it, but to hook not only Mikaela but you three babes as well? And he's making you work on cars? Listen babes, that isn't a woman's place."

Bee heard his fellow Autobots growl at the jerk in front of them. Maeve hadn't turned to look at Trent, her back was to him and she, for all intents and purposes was trying to remove a stubbornly stuck on bolt when the wrench she was using went flying over her head to clobber Trent upside his head. Maeve turned around and looked, completely unrepentant, "Oops, sorry, it slipped." Jolt at that moment decided that all was forgiven, he rather liked his new fleshy friend.

Trent glared at her and picked up the wrench. Looking around he saw the three girls were looking at him like he was a worm. The pretty one in the lab coat watched him like he was a particularly interesting specimen just waiting to be dissected, the refined looking one using screwdrivers as hair pins looked bored, and the beautiful black haired thing that nailed him with the wrench just stared at him. Then the black haired one grinned, which was enough to send cold chills down his back. She hopped off her car and sauntered over to him. She reached up and fingered the collar of his shirt before grabbing it and dragging him down to her eye level, "I will say this once and only once, you vaguely reptilian pig. My sisters and I do not appreciate being referred to as 'babes.' Nor do we like people trying to insult our family members. Sam is one of our favorite cousins and to insult him is not of the good."

Trent, by now was wanting to get away in any way possible, this little runt of a girl was terrifying. He raised his hand to punch her only to have it grabbed by her sister, the one in the lab coat. Maeve jerked his collar roughly, "Naughty, naughty. Didn't your daddy ever tell you not to hit a lady? I wonder how many more you've hit? I'd advise refraining from trying that again. Why?"

Wooky leaned down and growled in his ear, "If you don't, Maeve and I'll get to draw straws to see who gets the pleasure of eliminating you from the gene pool. Whoever does the deed...."

Maeve muttered into his other ear, "No matter who does the deed, we'll both bury you where they'll never find you. Or, we could just break you down to a molecular level and run all sorts of nasty experiments on you."

Trent gulped, but tried to save his dignity, "Like a little runt like you could hurt someone like me."

Maeve grinned, "Boy, I'm a black belt in enough martial arts styles to make Jackie Chan green with envy, so is Wooky. Not only would you have to worry about us, but the majority of our family are special ops, black ops, and marines. Would you like for the two of us to demonstrate our own skills?"

Trent squeaked, managed to shake them off and took off running for his car. Maeve and Wooky let him go but made certain to get his plate number. Wooky turned to Maeve, "Tonight, we get to test some of Remmy's training."

Maeve nodded, "I'll bring the feathers, you bring the glue."

Gwen sighed, "And I'll bring the lock picks and neon pink paint."

Bumblebee went back to his conversation with Sam, "Your cousins are extremely good at bluffing, Sam."

"Bee, there wasn't a lie in there. Maeve and Wooky really are that good, the family really is that scary, and yes, they really would hide his body. Yes, they probably are going to go out and prank the living daylights out of Trent as well. They might tell mom but most likely not. You'll get to see for yourself how good they are."

* * * *

Bumblebee, Jolt, Bluestreak, and Wheeljack all onlined when they sensed the approaching life forms. They trained their optics on the three figures that slipped into the garage. Bumblebee contacted Optimus to tell him the crazy femmes were on the loose. Optimus decided to watch the proceedings.

"Maeve, your car's the quietest, so we'll take that. Gwen, you're the driver."

"Why do I have to be the driver?"

"Why can't I drive my own car?"

"Maeve, we'll need to get in and out fast. Gwen, your stealth just sucks, so unless we want to be found out...also, Maeve, I'll need your 'ninja' stealth and moves to help me pull this off. If I wasn't worried about you actually killing the creep I'd stay with Gwen on this."

Maeve snorted, "Just remember, stealth isn't just about not being seen, it is also about not being _heard_!"

Wooky gave her sister a disgruntled look, "One time...one blasted time."

Gwen grinned, "Maeve, you're the ninja, Wooky's the samurai, which makes it surprising you two get along so well."

Maeve shook her head, "If I promise not to murder or even torture the jerk more than what you're planning, can I please go by myself? I don't fancy calling Aunt Judy up from jail simply because the two of you have absolutely no concept of stealth."

Wooky eyed her, "No murder, no torture, no floss, cheese graters, sharp pointy objects, or maiming?"

Maeve nodded emphatically, "Only glue, paint, feathers, and frogs."

Gwen blinked, "Wait, where did the frogs come from?"

Wooky shook her head, "I'll wait in the car with Gwen, then."

"No, I meant me drive, me slip in and out, me set up pranks. You two stay here."

Wooky arched a brow, "You want us to just let you loose on the town at large?"

Maeve grinned, "I promise I won't get into any trouble."

Gwen snorted, "You mean you won't get into any trouble you can't get yourself out of."

"True that."

Wooky frowned, "I don't know...Dad would kill us if something happened to you, and this isn't our home turf so people don't know to avoid you...."

Maeve scowled, "If anything happens I won't do any permanent damage but I will make certain I'm the only one that walks away."

Wooky turned to Gwen, leaving the decision to the more level headed of the group. Gwen sighed, "She's right, she's most likely to get in and out without being seen. If she happens to go around spreading the fear of the McWerrin name...that's just a bonus. Maeve, don't get yourself killed, don't get yourself arrested, and don't get yourself hurt or placed in the funny farm."

Maeve snapped to attention and preformed a crisp salute, "Aye, aye, mon capitan."

Wooky turned to Gwen, "I'm regretting this already."

Gwen siddled up to Wooky, "We'll give her a 3 minute head start and follow at a reasonable distance, I will not be held responsible for WWIII." she whispered.

Maeve grinned and started getting ready. She pulled the hood of her dusky purple hoodie over her head and tightened the strings so no hair could fall out, pulled on a pair of leather gloves, and put on a pair of soft soled boots. Standing back she modeled her clothes, "So, how's it look?"

"Like you're a cat burguler. Don't get caught." Gwen growled.

Maeve stuck her tongue out and hopped into Jolt, for once happy that there was no VROOM.

Bumblebee had a bad feeling about this, it doubled when Wheeljack pulled out shortly after Jolt left.

* * * *

Optimus was sitting in the rec room when Bumblebee contacted him to inform him of the McWerrin's movements. Sadly he was in the rec room with the two pairs of twins and their human comrades. So, when Optimus informed them of the activity it was decided that he needed to allow the rest of them to view said activity. This was why Optimus found himself running his holo-projector much like one would run a movie projector. He glared at the humans when they brought out their popcorn.

They all watched the argument with amusement. Lennox snorted, "They're kids, they can't be that good." They watched as Maeve got into Jolt and took off. There was a pause as Optimus switched from observing through Bumblebee to observing through Jolt. They were slightly disturbed when the smallest femme's features smoothed out to a true poker face, no emotion showed. Maeve parked Jolt in an alleyway not far from Trent's house and obscured her car from sight using tarps and boxes. Once she was certain Jolt was fully obscured from view she meandered her way to Trent's house. The only way they were able to observe this was due to the fact that Jolt had sent a holo-form of an owl after her. Lennox was soon eating his words when the experienced soldiers lost sight of Maeve. The only way they found her again was due to the fact that they knew where she was headed.

Jolt watched intently for any signs of movement and managed to catch sight of her stepping up to the back door. Lennox's eyes were bulging by this point in time as they watched the girl pick the lock and the bolt in record time. With stealthy steps she walked into the house and moments later walked out, locking the door behind her. A smirk adorned her face as she sauntered off, making like she was simply a pedestrian out for a late night walk. Jolt canceled his holo-form as she entered the alleyway he was located at. Maeve carefully uncovered her car and eased out into the night. Never noticing the Lancia parked on the other side of the street. She was humming softly to herself and twitching.

"Ah, shoot, now I wanna go do something else.... Nope, nuh uh, not gonna do anything else, promised Wooky and Gwen.... Oh! I know, ice cream, that'll be good!" Maeve quickly pulled Jolt over to a 24 hour gas station, parked and hopped out to get a couple of tubs of ice cream. Jolt eyed the Lancia that pulled up next to him in trepidation. He sighed as Wheeljack informed him that they'd been following at a distance for a while.

Jolt jerked as he heard Optimus' voice over his com unit, "Jolt, look into the station, something odd is happening."

Wheeljack nearly jerked as he felt the two femmes in him hop out to sit on his hood. The femme that had purchased him, Wooky, was grinning. He felt his spark shudder as she purred, "This is gonna be good, it would be even better if we had popcorn."

Gwen grinned, "Do you think she even realizes that she interrupted a robbery?"

Wooky tilted her head in consideration before shaking it, "Nah, she's too used to people wearing guns where ever they go over in Serenity. She's probably seen the thing, but shuffled it off to the back of her brain."

"Oh, oh, here it goes!" Gwen bounced.

"Ooooh, that was a mistake! Cutting line, shame on him, especially cutting line in front of the midget, she can't stand that!"

"Hey, look at that, Maeve's actually pretty calm about it. Oh, here comes the gun!"

"I don't believe it, is she actually lecturing him on gun safety?"

"I don't know, it looks like she's beating him over the head with a...is that a 'Jack Links' beef stick?"

"Yes it is, hey, there it goes, it actually flew out of the package!"

"He's bleeding, oh, now that's mean Maeve, getting out the licorice ropes!"

"Didn't you know you could use those as whips?"

"No, I didn't, why is she putting a piece of hard candy on it?"

"To raise welts, you can do all sorts of pain inflicting damage like that."

"Oh, there goes the gun."

"Why isn't the attendant retrieving it?"

"Could be he's laughing entirely too much?"

"True, hey, here he comes, you think we should...?"

"After you."

"My pleasure!" With that Wooky promptly launched herself at the fleeing, would be robber. Tackling the man she promptly laid him out with a hard right to the face. She laughed when he passed out. She dragged him over beside her car and tied him up using her jumper cables. She looked up into the store and what she saw made her jaw drop. She turned to Gwen, "Don't tell me Maeve gave up pursuit of an idiot to finish buying her ice cream."

Gwen shrugged, "You know Maeve and Rocky Road. 'Sides, why not, it is chocolate."

Wooky nodded, "Hey, we better go in and make certain she didn't clean out the store's chocolate stock. I feel the urge for death by chocolate."

"True, and we can get some to bribe Aunt Judy with for when she finds out about this."

Optimus had watched the proceedings with a great deal of amusement. More specifically, he watched the soldiers reactions to the proceedings with amusement. Lennox was now eying the girls with a speculative gleam in his eyes. Lennox turned to Prime and asked, "You think if I beg Sam, he'd get his cousins to teach Anna how to fight?"

"Anything is possible, but you might wish to ask them yourself. Samuel, for some reason, fears his cousins enough to protest the idea."

Lennox nodded, "True."

* * * *

The girls pulled into the drive way as silently as they could. Maeve was rather miffed that her sisters had followed her, actually, it could be said that she was miffed that her sisters had followed her and she hadn't realized it until after they'd walked into the convenient store. She slouched in her seat and growled to herself, "Prank wars...must start, no we mustn't, Aunt Judy would be unhappy...but it would be so much fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun." She squirmed slightly, at a quandry as to what she should do, "Something will pop up to keep me entertained, something always does. Murphey is my friend." with that pleasant thought she bounced out of her car with her bags. Before she entered the house via the garage she eyed Sam's Camero. She frowned, set her bags down and poked the grill of the car, "Somethin's just not right with you and I intend to find out what."

* * * *

Optimus stiffened in shock, mostly due to the fact that Bumblebee was now gibbering in terror, "How...?"

* * * *

Judy frowned at her nieces as they crept into the house, "And where were you three?"

Maeve bounced, "Ice cream run! We got Rocky Road, Death by Chocolate, Turtle Tracks, and plain ol' vanilla! You wanna pig out with us?"

Judy blinked, "Is that all? You were out for 2 hours." Sometimes it was useful having a spy among the Autobots, Optimus had called earlier and informed her just what her nieces were up to. She was of the opinion that it was about time something happened to that Trent boy, but she was uncertain if she would wish Maeve on anyone...unless it was that Simmons man. That thought just gave her all sorts of happy feelings, she'd just have to make it happen.

"Well, Aunt Judy, we could tell you all of the truth, some of the truth, or none of the truth. For option one you might have a heart attack, option two might give you a laugh, and option three would take a while because we'd need to get our stories together." Wooky grinned.

Judy's lips twitched, "And if I wanted to hear all three of them?"

Maeve tilted her head, "I don't think the game shows allow all three doors to be opened."

Gwen stared at her incredulously, "How in the world did game shows enter into the conversation?

Maeve looked at her like she was particularly dense, "Hello, door number one, door number two, and door number three?"

Wooky's grin widened, "Hello, and welcome to the game show, _'Let's Tell the Truth...Maybe.'_ I'll be your host, and here are my assistants, Thing one and Thing two! Now, fair lady, which door shall it be, door number one, the truth, door number two, the humor, or door number three, the epic? Think carefully now, my dear."

Judy shook her head, "You three are terrible. I'll take door number two."

"Ah, door number two, the humor. Only half the truth, but it is the humorous half of it. You see, Maeve, decided, in her infinite hunger for chocolate, to make a late night snack run. She stopped by a convenience store near here. Now, remember this is Maeve we're talking about, a close, personal friend of Murphey. That being said, we decided to save the rest of the town from a bored Maeve, and we followed her. Maeve got to the front of the line just as a robber decided that he couldn't wait in line any longer and cut in front of her."

"Uh-oh." Judy winced, Maeve's dislike for line breakers was well known amongst the family.

"Indeed. Well, Maeve decided to take him to task on proper line etiquette. She was actually being calm and relatively nice about it. But, alas, alak, and all that jazz, no one likes being lectured by people smaller and younger than they so the robber decided to shut her up and pulled out a gun."

Judy paled and abruptly sat down on a conveniently placed chair, "Oh, that poor dear."

Gwen shrugged, "Eh, Maeve's not too traumatized. If we got upset every time anyone pulled a gun on us we'd be in the loony bin by now."

Judy frowned at her, "I wasn't talking about Maeve, I was talking about that poor thief."

Maeve frowned, "I do not know yet if I should be flattered or insulted by that."

Wooky smirked, "Take it as flattery, you always do. Anyways, moving on, Maeve notices that this poor bloke doesn't know a blasted thing about...get ready, you'll love this, gun safety. Yes, Maeve, the homicidal munchkin of terror, doom, and mayhem started lecturing the poor dolt on gun safety." Judy started giggling. Wooky grinned, "Oh, it gets better, now while Maeve is lecturing him on gun safety she decides that he isn't paying enough attention and starts using a piece of beef jerky to beat the gospel of gun safety into his head. She got rather vigorous in her lesson and sends the jerky flying out of the package! Deciding he hasn't learned enough she gets out a licorice whip and ties it around a breath mint...hey, runt were you trying to tell him his breath reeked? Anyways, she starts beating him with that, the poor man seems to have forgotten that he had a gun...."

"No he didn't, it was one of those realistic looking water pistols." Maeve piped up. Judy was crying from laughter by now.

"Ah, that explains your lack of self preservation. Anyways, the 'gun' goes flying and the would be thief goes running. Maeve...Maeve doesn't chase him, she elects to go about the important task of buying her rocky road."

"Of course," Judy nodded, "She had to save the chocolate."

"Oh, no, there's two of them." Gwen grumbled.

"Yeah, so the thief's running, Maeve's buying, and I decide I don't like people waving guns, fake or otherwise, in my sister's face, so I tackle him, knock him out, and hog tie him with my jumper cables. We had to wait for the police to come so we could give them our statements. The officers decided to run background checks on us, you know to make certain we're on the up and up...well, I don't know why they started looking so blasted nervous, but they ordered us to return to where we're staying and wait for them to contact us later. So, we're going to have to spend the day here tomorrow, no going out or anything."

Judy smiled, "You're right, that was an amusing story. Amusing enough for me to allow this to slide, for now, but only if you share the goodies. I want chocolate."

**Chapter 4**

Maeve staggered down the stairs and headed into the kitchen before doing an abrupt double take. She frowned before continuing to stalk into the kitchen where she grabbed a meat mallet from beside a very startled Judy. Maeve turned on her heel and stalked back into the dining room. Judy followed curiously. Judy choked when she saw that the toaster was creeping up to Wooky, who had fallen asleep on the table. The toaster had a BBQ fork and was about to stab Wooky with it when the thing went flying due to Maeve hitting it with her mallet. Maeve pounced on it and grabbed it by the power cord. She yanked it up and held it at arm's length as she stalked out to the garage.

Wooky snorted and looked around in confusion, "Huh?"

Judy smiled, "Nothing much, the toaster just tried to attack you."

"And that made sense, how?" Wooky grumbled, "Coffee, need coffee, the day might make more sense with it."

* *

Maeve stormed into the garage. Ron looked up startled, "Is that the toaster?"

Maeve growled before stomping over to his ark welder, "It was, soon it will be abstract art." She lit the flame and held it up to the toaster, "Sooooo, where should I start?" the look of pure malevolence that crossed her face had Ron fairly certain that the toaster was properly terrified. He glanced at Bumblebee, he knew without a doubt that the Autobots were watching this. He settled back and watched his niece, he'd seen her pull something similar to this on her cousins and her own little brother.

Maeve grinned widely, showing a lot of teeth, "You see, there are three types of people we can't stand, bullies, perverts, and murderers. We absolutely loathe people who would harm our family. You, you little piece of mechanical wretchedness just tried to stab my sister, that is a biiiiig no-no."

The toaster was trembling by now. It chirped, chattered, and squeaked its pleas for mercy. Maeve tilted her head, "You'll say you're sorry? You promise never to do it again? I don't know if I believe you."

Ron stared at her, "You understood all that?"

"I'm the supreme baby sitter. I always understand gibberish and baby talk...okay, never mind." She lifted the toaster up to eye/optic level, "I'm going to give you the benefit of a doubt, you will apologize to Wooky for trying to stab her and I will hold you to the promise not to try again. If you even think about trying again I will swat you like a bug." The toaster-bot nodded enthusiastically. Maeve snorted and plopped it down on her shoulder as she killed the flame and walked back into the kitchen.

Ron turned to BB, he felt the question, "She realized that the toaster was pretty much the equivalent of a kid. For all that she's a scary little brat, kids love her. She loves 'em back and won't do anything to hurt one, scare the living daylights out of them, yes, hurt no." He turned to see Judy run in with her hands clasped over her mouth, "Something amusing?"

"The expression on Wooky's face when the toaster started apologizing was nothing compared to the expression on her face when Maeve started telling her new toaster just what areas to aim for when dealing the maximum amount of damage."

"Now why would Maeve do that?"

"Well, if she's going to have a homicidal pet toaster she wants one that knows what its doing."

Ron stared at her, "Dearest, your family frightens me at times."

Judy smiled blissfully, "I want a little girl."

Ron fainted.


	11. new idea filler 2

**Chapter 1**

Have you ever wondered how a certain type of day can be so soothing to one person and so depressing and outright terrifying to another. Many people fear thunderstorms while others love them, and other people love sunny days while few people get bad cases of paranoia whenever one comes around. Four certain "ladies" broke out in shivers whenever bright sun shiny days came about, because more often than not these sunny days spelled disaster or chaos for them (i.e. the GM started the worst quests with the words "it was a bright beautiful day.")

It was eight o'clock in the morning when May emerged from her room. Paranoia set in instantly, why, you ask, because it was silent. Gone were the typical morning noises of someone blowing up a chemistry experiment, gone were the typical noises of sparring that typically occurred whenever Maeve and Wooky were anywhere near the same zip code. May's blue green eyes flicked rapidly through the room, no one was there. She immediately hugged the wall and crept further into the living room keeping her eyes peeled for booby traps and dead bodies, again, nothing. She edged back into the hall and opened the door across from her own room. She slinked into the room and looked around for Maeve and Wooky, she would have been disturbed to see them in bed as they were typically the ones up at 5:00am (mostly due to the number of times they ended up being on punishment detail). May was actually more disturbed to see that they weren't anywhere in the room, neither was Gwen, her own roomie.

May turned to flee when she noticed movement. She crept forward and yanked the covers on the bed up, revealing not one, not two, but three sets of feet tucked up under the bed. One of the owners of said feet wailed, "The light, the light, hiiiiiiiiiiide!"

"What in the blazes are the three of you doing down there?"

The smallest set of feet slid further under the bed and vanished to be replaced by a black haired, green eyed head, a head which was glaring at her, "What does it look like we're doing? We're hiding, that's what we're doing, do you mind?!" May blinked as Maeve jerked the covers back down.

May sighed, "Is this the normal dose of insanity or is today some form of special holiday?"

A hand emerged from under the bed and pointed imperiously toward the window. May groaned and opened the curtain to look outside. She blinked, and frowned, "All I'm seeing is the base, a few more people running around than normal. Uh, General Hawk's coming today...."

"What type of day is it?"

"A Tuesday?"

"Weather wise."

"Oh...It is a...bright....sunny...oh, crap." May squeaked, "Shove over, you lot!" she dove for the safety of the dark, dusty, underbed.

Silence was broken by yelps, grunts, and squawked replies of "I'm rather attached to that! Do you mind!"

"Grow up, you have another one!"

"Yes, but I kinda like holding two guns and two swords, thanks much, so I need two blasted hands!"

The bed rocked, rattled, and shook as 4 grown women all shoved each other to find prime spots of darkness before it settled down, looking more than a bit disheveled. Silence reigned for a few seconds before Gwen, ever the voice of reason, piped up, "You know, there are four beds in this house, why in the world are we only hiding under one of them, the smallest one, to boot."

"Safety in numbers, if the day wants to take one of us, it has to take all of us!"

"Well, couldn't we hide under Wooky's bed, it would have at least another foot or so of space...really, why did we feel the need to hide under Maeve's bed?"

"Would any sane, self respecting person go anywhere near Maeve's stuff?"

A yelp was heard, a jostle was seen as Wooky shoved Maeve sharply, "When was the last time you cleaned these sheets or vacuumed under the bed? It is horrible, seriously, I think I just got bit by a dust bunny!"

"Uh...hehehe, sorry about that?"

"Sorry about what?"

"Well, I got bored...and well, I wanted a squirrel army of doom...and they just developed a life of their own...."

May peered through the darkness at the most sanity deprived of her three sister, "Which, the squirrels or the dust bunnies."

"..."

"Maeve, answer the question."

"Uh, I plead the fifth?"

"The constitution applies to anyone but family."

Gwen shrieked, "Something just crawled up my pant leg!"

"MAEVE!"

"Hey, look at that I saw a cloud, gotta go!" A five foot nothing woman launched herself out from under the bed and disappeared out the door, rapidly followed by three irate and rather dusty women. Maeve made it out the front door before her escape was thwarted by her CO.

She ricocheted off the CO and back into her sisters' approaching forms, the result was similar to ten pin bowling. The CO eyed the dusty girls with something akin to paranoia as they quickly straightened themselves up and stood at attention. The CO (who has no name, he's just random oc that will never appear again...maybe) ignored his 2IC, who was making a valiant effort not to laugh. The CO grinned at the McWerrin quads, or as he liked to (un)affectionately call them, the-sisters-of-the-apocalypse, he grinned in anticipation of his pending freedom. "You girls are bugging out, you're being re-stationed to Tranquility, NV." he nearly chocked on his laughter, Tranquility and McWerrin should never be in the same sentence unless said sentence included the words destruction and mayhem. "Pack what you can, you bug out in 3 hours." With that the CO and the 2IC walked off.

The 2IC turned to his CO, "Sir, uh, I hate to ask it, but did that dust bunny have a spork?"

"Yes, the dust bunny had a spork, did you also notice the glowing red eyes?"

"I had hoped that was a hallucination, uh, how...."

"I prefer not to think about it."

"But...."

"This is me not thinking about it." the CO started outpacing his confused 2IC.

Maeve glared at the sky, "It just had to be sunny today."

Wooky sighed, "Yeah, well, at least we've gotten used to keeping our footlockers packed."

May tightened the straps on her backpack, "Just glad I had more portable equipment this time. It is just downright lucky that we hadn't fully unpacked from the last time."

Gwen flicked her cell phone closed, "Okay, we've got a house, actually, we've got a large house near the outskirts of town. Odd thing is, for all that it is structurally sound, has 5 bedrooms, on a quarter acre lot, has a generator, pool, and all the good type amenities...we got it for $75,000, as in purchased, straight up. Apparently the neighbors are kinda...weird? Ah, well, whatever. Our flight will arrive at TIAP at 10, oh-dark 30."

"TIAP?" Wooky gave her older sister an odd look.

"Tranquility International Airport. So named because a flight from Brazil had some downright drastic instrument failure and needed to make an emergency landing."

"Brazil...instrument failure?" May asked, askance.

"Yeah, major stuff, their flight plan was to take them to Peru." Gwen snorted.

Maeve whistled, "Hey, it sounds like they had someone as directionally challenged as May flying!"

May grumbled, "One time, one blasted time," she looked up at Gwen, "So, out of curiosity's sake, why are we being bugged out to a place boring enough to be named Tranquility?"

Gwen shrugged, "Unexplained phenomena, General Hawk fears it might be Cobra, some of the more whacked out members of the main team think it might be space aliens, and still others feel it might be natural phenomena. You remember that meteor storm and the Mission City fiasco? Yeah, they think this might tie directly into that. We're being assigned as canon fodder to the Joe base, I've got the motor pool, May, you're with the geek squad, Wooky, you're armament supply, Maeve...oh, blast...."

"What, what, what do I get to play with?!" Maeve was vibrating with excitement.

Gwen sent a look of dread to May and Wooky, "Maeve's got security/fire technician."

May's jaw dropped, "They didn't!"

Wooky grabbed the papers from Gwen's hand and skimmed it swiftly before nodding decisively, "They did, they've gone and assigned a sadistically psychopathic pyromaniac to protect us both in our sleep and from fire...we're doomed." Maeve's cackles did nothing at all to reassure them.

10:45pm, Tranquility, NV

A squeal of tires was heard as the taxi took off at a drastically unsafe speed from the front of 1315 Harmony Way. Gwen sighed sadly, yet another taxi company to add to the list of banned transport. She ignored the way Maeve and Wooky hi-fived each other for breaking their old record. Gwen glanced over at the trunks and the way May was edging away from them, "Okay, here's the question, are any of our trunks going to blow up from the rough handling?"

Wooky glared, "I've learned my lesson, none of mine will blow, sides that last time was an accident!"

Maeve grinned, "I haven't made chili in a while, so I'm good. My stuff doesn't blow unless I want it to."

May shrugged, "My electronics have been packed well, if they're busted I will so sue that company."

Gwen nodded tiredly, "Okay, might as well get everything inside."

Maeve grabbed her rolly trunks and darted for the front door. Wooky glared, "Why does she always get the trunk with wheels?"

"Easy, she's short, she might not be weak, but if one of those things happened to fall on her...well look at them, they're bigger than she is. Can we say pain medication?"

Wooky shuddered, "Right, yeah, forget I asked." Wooky sauntered forward with both her trunks, Gwen decided to save her back so she took only one of hers as did May. Wooky looked back, "I'll grab the electronics for you, May, Maeve'll grab your stuff, Gwen."

Gwen nodded absently, "I've got to warn you gals, we've only got the bare necessities, we don't even have a fridge. Actually, anything running on electricity, aside from lights...well, we don't have them. On the plus side, some of the stores here have great deals on stuff surviving the Mission City fiasco, so we should be able to get what we need at cost or lower. The house is furnished with some couches in the living room, and a bed in the master bedroom. We've got a bar and some bar stools, that's pretty much it." She opened the door and let them in. Maeve followed Wooky as they swept the house for intruders, Gwen and May hung out by the door to wait. Wooky walked back into the front hall and nodded the all clear before heading back out the door. Gwen frowned and looked for Maeve before turning to look outside. Maeve was picking up Gwen's trunk.

"How _does_ she do that?" May muttered as she hauled her own trunk into the house.

Gwen shrugged, "Talent, just be glad she can."

"Do you think they'll let the lot of us actually work together this time?"

"Who knows, it is doubtful, they did assign us to separate units after all. Maybe we can get together for some training simulations and hope for the best?" Gwen set her trunk down beside May's in the middle of the living room.

May snorted, "The most likely scenario is that the higher ups will feel threatened by us and keep us separated."

Gwen grinned, "Depends on if Cobra's anywhere near, they might just get desperate enough to team us up and fling us to the snakes."

May grinned slowly, "Tells you how bored I am, I'm actually thinking that might be fun."

Gwen shook her head, "We are such adrenalin junkies."

Wooky snickered as she came in, "Hey, it could be worse, we could be accountants."

"And the world would run screaming in fear." Maeve muttered as she set her trunks amidst the pile of luggage. She hopped over the back of one of the couches and slumped down. She glared at the upholstery, the puke green upholstery, "We are so getting new furniture, aren't we?"

"Yeah, especially considering this stuff was from either the 60's or 70's." Gwen shuddered.

Maeve and Wooky frowned, "What does that have to do with the price of arsenic in China?"

Wooky nudged Maeve, "The price of eggs in China, not arsenic."

"Why would I want to go to China to buy eggs, we have a grocery store down the road. Arsenic on the other hand...."

May shook her head, "One of these days I will get Dad to tell me who dropped you on your head when you were a baby."

Maeve grinned, "Oh, I already know the answer to that, it was Uncle Beach! He wanted a mini, but he got me instead!"

"How did he think he was getting a mini Beach by dropping you on your head?" Gwen asked in horror.

"Dunno, but after that Uncle Gunny decided to give it a try."

Wooky shook her head, "There's something wrong with you." Maeve nodded happily to the statement. Wooky's eye twitched before she smacked the munchkin upside the head, "You're not supposed to take that as a compliment! Anyway," she turned back to Gwen, "What does it matter that the couches were from the 60's or 70's?"

"Think about it, 60's, 70's, era of free love?"

Maeve and Wooky's eyes widened, Maeve screeched like a scalded cat as she leaped from the couch. Wooky dove and looked at the horrid piece of furniture in disgust, "You have a date with thermite, you evil piece of fluff and springs!" she then turned to her the heavier of her footlockers and rummaged through it. She emerged with a container of rust and other ingredients.

Gwen looked at her oddly, "What are you doing?"

"Making thermite, the thing must die."

Gwen shook her head, "Uh, you might want to wait until after we've gotten some beds and new couches...otherwise, where are you going to sleep?"

Maeve stared at Gwen in horror, "After telling us about what might have happened on those things you want us to sleep on them?!"

Gwen started to comment, stopped, thought about it and shook her head, "Take it outside, don't want to burn the house down around us."

Wooky nodded, "You wanna dig out the sleeping bags? We'll sleep under the stars tonight."

May piped up, "There's a king sized bed upstairs."

Maeve perked up, "You want us to take that down to burn it too?" she looked entirely too enthused at the thought.

Gwen sighed (she does that a lot) and shook her head, "The mattress, at least, is new, that's what I've been told. They left the couches because they didn't want the eyesores anywhere near them."

May sputtered, "What I was trying to say was we could all share the bed. I mean, we're all skinny enough."

Wooky tilted her head before nudging Maeve, "Do you hear banjo music, sis?"

"I hear the stars, they cry, 'join us, join us, escape the banjos!' Is that close? I vote we sleep on the roof."

May glared at them. Gwen sighed, "I'll mark out a line, no crossing it, you sleep on one side, I got the other. You two misfits," she pointed to Maeve and Wooky who stared at her in wide eyed innocence, "Yeah, you, I do not want to hear a thing from the two of you. If one of you gets burned you may scream, at which point in time May and I will be there to say 'I told you so' and dance around your flaming carcases."

Maeve grinned, "The fire, it fears us! No worries!" before darting off to clear out an area for their new bonfire.

Wooky blinked, "She frightens me at times."

Gwen blinked, "Only some of the time? She scares me all the time. Now, if you will excuse me, I've got to go call our new CO and inform him we've arrived."

"Isn't that a bit out of the ordinary? Why would he want us to call?"

"I think some of our old base commanders might have tattled on us. Beach demanded that we inform our new COs the instant we land where we're assigned ...I think it is so he can keep an eye on our chaos."

"General Hawk, sir, we have communication coming in."

Hawk turned to the green shirt in charge of the switchboard and spoke with the barest amount of patience, "Well, then patch it through to whomever it is being sent to."

The woman blushed, "Yes, sir." Hawk turned to leave, only to be interrupted by his phone ringing. He signed, so much for a quiet night.

"General Hawk speaking," he didn't get to be General without becoming paranoid, he motioned to the green shirt, the conversation was now on the speakers in the command center. His Joes were at attention, listening for tricks, traps, and other unpleasantness.

"General Hawk, sir, uh, this is Corporal Gwen McWerrin. I was ordered to inform you when we arrived in Tranquility. Well, we're here, sir."

General Hawk froze and tried not to glare at Gung-ho, who was snickering, "I have no idea why you were ordered to report to me, Corporal."

"Our training officer gave us standing orders, every time we're reassigned to a new base we're required to inform our new CO when we land."

Various Joes looked confused about this, all save Gung-ho, Hawk was getting a very bad feeling about this, "Who was your training officer, Corporal?"

"BeachHead, sir." That got the attention of every Joe. BeachHead was scary.

"He's retired, his orders shouldn't mean a thing to you."

"Well, sir, normally we'd agree, but we have to deal with him every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Veteran's Day, and during family reunions. He's our Uncle, sir."

"Still, his orders should no longer apply."

"Again, we'd normally agree, sir, but you see...you know how Beach is, right. You've met him, haven't you?"

"Yes, I've met him, Corporal." General Hawk was starting to develop a headache, Gung-ho wasn't helping matters any, the man had his fist stuffed in his mouth to keep from laughing. It was frightening the green shirts.

"Well, sir, have you noticed that when Beach gets really, really, run for the hills mad the veins on his neck start pulsing and bulging, and there's this one vein in the center of his forehead that sorta dances? Yeah, when we got those orders we discovered that he didn't just have the one vein in his forehead, he has four."

General Hawk liked to think he didn't look as shocked as he was certain he did. BeachHead did indeed have those things, but very seldomly all at the same time. You could judge how bad a situation was by how many veins were pulsing in the region of the man's head. "I see. In that case, I will assume the orders were given for a reason. Very well, I expect to see you in two days to give you your orders and duties."

"Really?! Well, that gives us time to procure transportation."

"You have a phone book? You could call a cab."

"No, sir, we couldn't, we've been forbidden from using the taxi services in Tranquility."

"What time did you get here?"

"About thirty minutes ago, sir."

"And you've managed to get banned from a form of public transportation in that small amount of time?"

"...It is a gift, sir."

Hawk's eyes bulged, she didn't just say that. Turning to look at Gung-ho, he decided that yes, she had. He sighed, "Corporal, I would call it many things, but it is doubtful that I'd call it a gift."

"Well, sir, if you put things in perspective, you might change your mind."

"Enlighten me."

"We've been captured by various and sundry terrorist groups 25 times since we've joined the Joes."

"I beg your pardon?!"

"It is in our service record, sir. We've always managed to abscond with ourselves and various and sundry other things. Our...uniqueness keeps them off balance. We have actually managed to drive at least five of those groups insane...well, more insane. Maeve and Wooky are rather talented in insanity. Five of the other groups just got entirely too frustrated with us, forgot they had guns and sharp pointy objects and tossed us out on our rears to get us out of their hair, not the smartest thing to do, especially since Maeve on a couple of those occasions managed to hide a rocket launcher and on a couple of other occasions managed to palm their maps, battle plans, and key programs."

"Wait, how do you hide a rocket launcher from terrorists? Didn't they pat you down?"

"Well, yes, sir, they did, but some things we just don't ask, especially not of Maeve."

"So, you keep your opponents off balance, drive them crazy, and frustrate them to the point where they forget they have weaponry?"

"Yes, sir, we do. We happen to like our gift."

Hawk glared at Gung-ho, who was now on the floor, twitching. He'd really have to get the marine to tell him how he knew these McWerrins. "We'll continue this discussion when we meet formally. Until then, good luck with procuring transportation."

_AN: I appologize for the lack of updates, I'm actually working on two new chapters for The Vipers, but well, Murphey struck and I can't seem to get the block gone. So I leave you with these two story ideas until I can actually evict the little writter's block gremlins out of my mind (blasted little moochers)._


	12. Chapter 10

**Don't Do Drugs**

Lifeline was going to kill someone, and he had the feeling that it would, like-as-not be one or all of the McWerrin quads. Seriously, they never managed to injure themselves during their training exercises, nope, they waited until they were off base, doing something that was, for a change, completely innocent. Not only were they off base and innocent in the matter, but the two McWerrin's that got injured were the ones he never wanted to see injured and therefore loopy from the drugs he was forced to give them, Maeve and Wooky.

Lifeline supposed he wouldn't normally be so worried, but it was Maeve and Wooky who were injured, he had yet to see them injured, which considering the stunts they pulled.... He just wasn't certain how they would react, that was his main problem, they could be even worse or they could turn into docile little lambs (he promptly made a note to get a camera and take lots of pictures if that was the case). He huffed as he rushed into the infirmary, why, oh, why couldn't it have been Gwen or even May that were injured, he was certain they reacted normally.

* * *

Gung-ho growled as he paced the corridor outside the infirmary along with Gwen and May, "Tell me you caught those creeps." he glared at one of the MPs, who had called on the Joes to inform them of the accident.

The MP nodded, nervously, "It was just a couple of kids that decided to take there parent's car for a joy-ride. I don't know how those two girls managed it, but they were quite lucky to dodge that SUV."

The other MP shook his head, "The short one's lucky she was wearing a leather duster, otherwise she'd have the worst case of road-burn anyone'd ever seen."

"Why was Maeve so much worse off than Wooky?"

"Well, the shorty, Maeve, couldn't jump out of the way in time so she flattened herself on the pavement, apparently, only she got caught on the undercarriage and got dragged for a bit."

"Where did Wooky get her injuries?"

"The tall one...well, let's put it this way, she didn't look before she leaped and ended going off the side of a somewhat steep embankment. Better than being road pancake though."

Gwen snorted, "Yeah, that one describes them both pretty well. So, can you tell us how bad the injuries looked?"

The nervous MP shrugged, "Maeve's the worse off of the two I think, she got dragged a ways. She's got a few bruised ribs, she'll probably have a collection of bruises on her back and legs, she's got a few scrapes and burns on her hands and probably a mild concussion from hitting her head when she finally stopped. Shaw's definitely got an array of bruises and scrapes, but the embankment wasn't that big and there weren't many rocks and it was relatively muddy so that all contributed to her having less injuries. She was limping a bit so I think she either pulled a muscle or sprained an ankle, maybe a wrist as well, I don't really know. You should ask the doc."

May glared in the direction of the infirmary, "We will when he actually deems to come out."

The MPs nodded, "Look we need to get back to our jobs, we just thought you should know. Let us know how they are, will you? Thanks."

Gung-ho looked at the retreating officers in trepidation, "So, do you think its Maeve or Wooky?"

Gwen frowned, "Wait...what?"

"I think Gunny's asking us which of the more manic half of our quartet the MPs have a crush on." May stated.

"Who knows, they might not know Maeve all that well sooooo...first impressions, looks wise, I'd have to say Maeve, though Wooky is a good bet there too."

Gung-ho frowned, "Now I don't know who to protect, Maeve from them or them from Maeve."

May pasted an innocent look on her face, "What about Sgt. Slaughter, shouldn't we warn them about him too? Or maybe we should warn the Sarge that there are two would be suitors making googly eyes at his girl?"

Gwen grinned as she caught onto the plan, "Well, there are two of them, so one might be oggling Maeve and the other might oggle Wooky. Probably the taller one's oggling Wooky. Hey, has anyone expressed interest in Wooky?"

May considered before shrugging, "Who knows, half the soldiers here wear full face masks. For all we know Beach Head could be a secret admirer," May ignored Gung-ho's strangled growl, "Of course, if we go along with that thought so could Snake-eyes, BBQ, or any number of the crowd."

Gwen grinned, "My bet would be on Snake-eyes or BBQ, Beach Head can't stand the lot of us."

May turned to Gung-ho, "So, are there going to be death threats to Snake-eyes and BBQ? Or just the MPs? Hey, I know, we could plot a way to steal all the full face masks on base so no one has a free oggling license!"

Gung-ho growled, "I'll be talking to Beach Head and BBQ, you go along with your plans."

"Hey," Gwen frowned, "Aren't you going to say anything about Snake-eyes?"

Gung-ho rolled his eyes heavenward in supplication, "Snake-eyes is a freaky scary ninja that knows more ways to kill me than I can count. As far as I'm concerned, if he wants to court Wooky then he's more than welcome to, at least that way I know she'll have someone capable of protecting her."

Gwen nearly broke out in laughter as she saw Snake-eyes and Scarlet round the corner in time to hear Gung-ho's exclamation. She didn't know how he did it, but Snake-eyes managed to convey a look of shock, terror, and panic all at once, which considering his face mask, was absolutely mind boggling. Scarlet arched an eyebrow, "Do I even want to know what you three are talking about?"

May grinned, "Sure you do! We're just talking about how certain members of the Joes seem to have free oggling licenses due to the fact they wear full face masks. Aren't you curious as to whether your boyfriend does as well?"

Snake-eyes and Scarlet exchanged confused looks before Scarlet turned back to May, "Boyfriend? Since when has Duke worn a full face mask?"(_AN 1)_

Gwen's eyes nearly popped out, "Duke? You mean you're not dating Snake-eyes?"

Snake-eyes shook his head frantically and leaned against the wall to watch the show. Scarlet narrowed her eyes, "What do you mean by that? Can't someone be a good friend with someone else the opposite gender without being otherwise involved?"

Gwen hurriedly backed up, "Sure they can, its just that the majority of the base thinks you're dating Snake-eyes, there are even bets being made as to when he proposes!"

Scarlet's eyes widened, a look of complete and utter outrage crossed her face as she turned and stormed back down the hall, probably to throttle Shipwreck, who was in charge of most of the betting pools.

Snake-eyes stayed where he was and turned to Gwen and May, Gung-ho, he noted had fled the scene. Snake-eyes sighed and signed to them ::_What's going on, why are the two of you loitering around the infirmary?_::

Gwen sighed, "Wooky and Maeve were involved in an accident. An SUV nearly ran them down, it did drag Maeve for a bit, but she'll live, we think. Lifeline hasn't told us anything, he hasn't even let us into the infirmary to tell him exactly how they react to certain medications. He just asked if they were allergic to any."

May snorted and muttered, "Like that one isn't going to come around and bite him in the butt."

Gwen scowled, "Just because they're a little...crazy while on certain pain meds...."

Snake-eyes stilled before signing, ::_Crazy, as in haha, or crazy as in hide the flammables, high explosives, caffeine, and sharp pointy objects, or crazy as in more of the normal?_::

Gwen shrugged, "Truthfully it all depends on the medicine, but I will tell you this, the last time they inhaled laughing gas there was a three county APB out on them and warnings of armed and deranged."

May snickered, "It would have been armed and dangerous, but they didn't have any rockets with them, and the police didn't really think they'd be able to hurt anyone with the safety scissors."

Gwen grinned, "They sure proved them wrong, didn't they?"

May tilted her head, "How long do you reckon it took them to cut through that rope with the safety scissors?"

Gwen shrugged, "Don't know, don't care, I want to know how they managed to take out the tires of the patrol cars with them."

Snake-eyes stared.

* * * *

Gwen was about to leave when the door to the infirmary opened, she started to turn when she was plowed down by two flying missiles otherwise known as her sisters. Gwen glared at Maeve and Wooky as they sat on her. Her face became downright panicked when she saw the glassy look in their eyes. She cast a desperate look at May who was sidling behind Snake-eyes. "Traitor!" Gwen snarled before turning to her more immediate problems, "Are you two okay? Doesn't it hurt to suddenly go flying like that?" she asked, trying to sound sincere in her concern. She was sincere, it was just hidden behind several layers of self preservation and desperation.

Maeve and Wooky giggled, they actually giggled, they didn't laugh, snicker, or cackle maniacally, they giggled. Giggles from the terrible twosome filled her heart with more fear than hearing them break out into malevolent cackles. Maeve bounced a bit, "Nope, I'm feeling really goooooooood! No pain here!" Wooky nodded in enthusiastic agreement.

Lifeline cleared his throat, he was standing in the doorway to the infirmary, ready to dive for cover at a moment's notice. "Here's a list of instructions on the care and feeding of the terrible twosome. Mostly it's a bunch of bruises, pulled muscles, scrapes, and a few cuts. Maeve's the worse of the two because she's got burns added on top of it all. I've written a couple of prescriptions to pain medications, they'll be filled and ready at the front desk for you. They need rest and do not, I repeat, do not allow them to do any strenuous activity. Bed rest is recommended for the first few days. They aren't allowed to operate any heavy equipment, so no driving for them. When the medication kicks in they should pass out pretty quickly."

May shook her head, "No, no they won't. If the medicine's supposed to make the drowsy it actually makes them hyper. Don't even get me started on how benedryl effects them. The only thing really bad about these medicines beyond the hyper issue is the fact that their judgment is also impaired. Doc, you've released your worst nightmares."

"Yes, yes I did, but I released them into your care. I don't have to do anything else with them." With that Lifeline dove into the infirmary and locked the door behind him. Snake-eyes shook his head and went off to train some new recruits. Gwen and May whimpered.

Gwen sighed as she turned to May, "Well, I guess we've got the day off. So, you think we should plot a way to steal face masks to keep the men folk from oggling people?"

Wooky looked at Maeve, one could almost hear the wheels in her head squeaking as they turned. Wooky bounced, "Face masks? We're going to steal face masks?"

Gwen nodded absently, "Yes, we will be stealing face masks as soon as we figure out how. Now, hush, we're plotting."

"But you want us to go steal face masks, right?" Maeve asked.

"Yes."

"Okay!" Maeve and Wooky both crowed before bolting off.

May stared wide eyed after them before turning to Gwen, "We're going to be in so much trouble."

Gwen whimpered.

* * *

Scarlet blinked at the sight before her. She rubbed her eyes then blinked again, "Snake-eyes, what did you do to make the terrible twosome mad at you?"

Snake-eyes looked at her in confusion before turning to see what she was talking about. Maeve was standing on Wooky's shoulders. Wooky was standing just below his barrack's window and Maeve had actually managed to open the window and was in the process of crawling through it. He didn't know about the munchkin of terror and doom, but Wooky was wearing a ridiculous mask comprised of a bandana draped over her head and tied together beneath her nose. As a mask it left a lot to be desired. Snake-eyes turned back to Scarlet, and shrugged before moving to head them off.

* * *

Snake-eyes blinked as he watched Maeve shove the last of his face masks into her backpack. He tilted his head and moved forward. Maeve's head snapped up, she grinned, "Naughty, naughty, face masks are now forbodden (AN: yeah, I know, it is spelled forbidden, but she's doped up and it is a fun word to say). We must steal all face masks, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the face masks!" Her grin had reached manic proportions and she was making grabbing motions towards his head. Snake-eyes did the only logical thing he could, he started backing up. This gave Maeve the incentive to move. Maeve launched herself at his head. It was times like this that Snake-eyes wished he could speak, a terrified scream would have made him feel much better at that point in time.

Maeve was latched to his head and he was busy trying to wrestle her off. When she finally allowed herself to be dislodged Snake-eyes realized his mistake, she now had his face mask, his last face mask. Maeve grinned and waved it before diving out the window and landing on Wooky. Wooky grinned at her before looking up at Snake-eyes. She wolf whistled, "Looking all sorts of pretty there, Snake-eyes." She quickly hurried away.

Snake-eyes ducked his head back into his room and looked around frantically for something to use as a mask. His eyes landed on his pillow.

* * *

Duke watched as the majority of his masked Joes went running after the terrible twosome. The terrible twosome were cackling and running with backpacks nearly bursting at the seams. Said backpacks had a couple of masks nearly hanging out of them. Duke turned to Scarlet, "What's gotten into them now?"

"Loritab." came the reply behind them, Duke turned and saw the harried looking Gwen and May all but collapsed on the ground, "Lifeline, the wretch, gave them Loritab, for pain. They got ran over." May whined.

Gwen whimpered, "Loritab makes them hyper and knocks what little sanity and self control they have out of their heads."

"This doesn't explain why they are going around stealing face masks." Scarlet pointed out.

"They rely on us to be the voice of reason," May explained, "But when the voices of reason are ranting about possible oggling going on behind face masks...well, they decided to go do something about it."

Gwen sighed, "At least there are no safety scissors involved."

"You spoke to soon." May pointed at the scene before them. Maeve and Wooky had shimmied up the flag pole and were currently near the top of it. Maeve was dangling by her legs and had one of the masks in a grubby little hand, in the other she held a pair of safety scissors. The mask now resembled a cut paper snowflake. Beachhead was screaming about his favorite mask being mutilated.

Duke started to speak when Lifeline stalked out of the clinic, "When I left them in your care I had assumed you would be sensible and take them away from the blasted base so they could recover. What do I find, though? I find that when those two can't be held accountably insane the two of you step into their shoes!"

"Hey," Gwen yelped, "They're the ones acting crazy!"

"Yes, they are, but they're under the influence of medication, you, you're supposed to be the ones corralling them!" He looked up and started to gesture towards the scene in front of him before he stopped and blinked, "My word, what are they wearing?"

"Who?" May asked blankly.

"Them!" Lifeline jabbed a finger at the Joes gathered around the base of the flag pole. Duke, Scarlet, Gwen, and May all turned to look. The men were all wearing some sort of odd mask, ranging anywhere from white to stripes to polka-dotted. In truth they looked like a certain white supremacist group that had gone and got themselves high.

Gwen frowned, "Well, off hand I'd say they're wearing pillow cases...." she turned to see Lifeline pulling a blow gun out of someplace, "Seriously, where did you have that? What's with you and Maeve pulling ridiculously long weapons out of pockets where they technically should not fit?" Lifeline ignored her to aim at the two girls atop the flag pole only to have the blow gun knocked out of his hands by an irate May.

"No, just no. You are not going to make them fall and suffer anymore injuries unless you WANT them to be put on more pain medication!? We tried to warn you, no pain meds, did you listen, NO! They have ridiculously high pain tolerances due to half the scraps they've gotten themselves into, you dolt! Next time give them the blasted Aspirin and tell them to walk it off and it will all be good!"

While Lifeline, Gwen, and May were arguing Maeve and Wooky sensed a disturbance in the force and decided, logically (to them) to get out of Dodge while the getting was good, so they pulled the most logical (to them) means of retreat, they leaped off the flag pole and landed on the Joes gathered below. This had the effect of knocking most of the pillow case masked Joes off their feet. The terrible twosome decided that while they were retreating they might as well fulfill their mission and started yanking off pillow cases as they ran, cackling madly all the while.

Lifeline pointed at the mayhem, "See, they would have been fine! Now, because of you, they've been unleashed on the world at large!"

_AN 1: Okay, I know in the comics Snake-eyes and Scarlet are an item (apparently), but as I haven't read the comics and the majority of my knowledge comes from the 80's cartoon...I'm basing the relationships on what I remember of the 80's cartoon. The cartoon doesn't seem to have many relationships outside of Lady Jay and Flint and Duke and Scarlet._

_General AN: Sorry about the psuedo cliff hanger, I just saw the chance to use this as a lead in for another 2 or 3 chapters and decided to take it. Next up, The Drugged Adventures of the Terrible Twosome, they've been released on the world (or at least the state) at large and unintentionally ('cause seriously, that's the best sort of chaos) cause all sorts of chaos!_


	13. Chapter 10b

**Chapter 10.b The Drugged Adventures of the Terrible Twosome (or why loritab is not for everybody**

Bluestreak wondered how he'd ever gotten into this situation. Here he was, parked in the G. I. Joe parking structure, minding his own business when his day went weird, well weirder than normal, he was after all, the guardian of the quads. Wildrider, one of the more dangerous Decepticons in his opinion, was now sitting in the parking space across from him. The weird part was that the Con was doing nothing, and as the Con was doing nothing he honestly couldn't attack either. Bluestreak was starting to develop a CPU ache to rival even one of Prowl's. It made no sense...unless, oh no, he was after the girls! He'd heard from Prowl about Maeve's foray into carjacking. The Con had to be after her, he was going to hurt her, he had to protect Maeve. Bluestreak had just about decided to attack Wildrider in the defense of poor, defenseless Maeve (the poor mech lived in a fantasy world at times, don't knock it, it makes for a wonderful coping mechanism) when Maeve herself came careening around the corner.

Bluestreak rebooted his optics, yes, she was wearing a ridiculous head covering, _'Oh, no, please tell me those aren't safety scissors... Okay, note to self, squash whoever gave her pain medicine.'_ As if Maeve wasn't enough, Wooky was following, also wearing a bandanna draped over her head and tied over her nose. Bluestreak cycled his vents in a way reminiscent of a sigh, "What are you two up to now?"

Maeve jumped, "Masks are now forbodden, we must do away with all the masks, aaaaaaaaaaaaaall the masks" she giggled.

"Yes, we're campeening...campining...what is that word...?" Wooky muttered in confusion.

"Campaigning?" Bluestreak asked.

"Yeah! That's the word, we're campaigning against face masks, evil face masks and their free oggling licenses." Wooky scowled.

Maeve, by now was bouncing around like a hyperactive chipmunk on speed (_AN: 'cause normally she's just a regular hyperactive chipmunk, add speed in and the world is doomed BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA::le gasp::HAHAHAHAHAHA)_ and nodding rapidly, "We must take the doctrine of Masklessness out into the world. Come, join us, brother Maskless!"

Bluestreak backed away a bit at the intense look in her beady little eyes and that was the downfall of his day. Wildrider edged forward and nudged the back of Maeve's legs. Maeve swung around, her eyes lit on her beloved souvenir from her foray into carjacking and she crowed in absolute delight before diving into her other favorite car. Wooky dove into the other door and they peeled out of the garage. Bluestreak nearly froze before realizing that his girls were now in a Decepticon. Naturally, he did what any good big brother figure would, he took off after them with thoughts of dismembering the threat to his "sisters'" safety dancing merrily along in his head.

Gwen and May stared after the disappearing tail lights in dismay. They and a cadre of Joes had followed Wooky and Maeve to the parking structure in hopes of catching them only to be nearly run over by the oddly familiar Ferrari. It wasn't until a face mask hit them that they realized their doped up sisters were in the car. May grumbled, "Why does Maeve always have to aim for Ferraris to carjack? Couldn't she have chosen a more sensible car?"

Gwen swung around and decked Lifeline, who fell on his bum. He stared at the normally calm quad in shock. Gwen shrieked, "This is all your fault! You idiot, Loritab is not meant for their consumption, it is of the bad, greatly of the bad!"

Lifeline grumbled, "I'll make certain to remember that next time I'm prescribing pain medicine." He got to his feet and was about to start ranting when Duke stepped forward.

"What I want to know is where you think they'll be headed now and has this happened before?" Duke frowned at the two sane quads. May glanced at Gwen uncertainly. Duke stepped closer, "Anytime now, Ladies."

Gwen sighed and rubbed her head, "Well, as of the moment they've got one thing going through their psycho little minds, get face masks, keep men from oggling at innocent ladies. So, offhand, I'd say they're going to keep on hunting face masks. Uh, as for has this happening before, well, there was that one time where they had to visit a different doctor...they had a two bike pile-up and ended up breaking their arms. He didn't read the warnings..."

Duke waited, when he was certain she wasn't going to continue he frowned, "By all means, please continue."

May winced, "Let's put it this way, there was a three county APB out on them. The police finally caught them but they couldn't really use handcuffs."

"Why not?" asked Scarlet. Gung-ho grinned in amusement.

Gwen shrugged absently, "Maeve can pick locks. Anyways, 'cause they couldn't use handcuffs, they ended up using rope. They turned their back on the terrible twosome...and well..."

May mumbled, "They cut through the rope with safety scissors and escaped. No one caught them again until three days later."

"So," Duke drawled, "The drugs ran out of their systems at that point in time?"

"Uh, no, not exactly. Remember, we like doctors, most of the time, and so we follow the doctor's orders...including prescriptions." May stammered.

"What in the blazes happened?" Duke snarled in exasperation.

"Uncle Charlie happened." Gwen said sheepishly, continuing before Duke could get riled up, "Uncle Charlie managed to catch them, can we leave it at that?" Duke glared, "Didn't think so. Remember, Uncle Charlie is somewhat eccentric..."

"Wait, is this eccentric by our standard or by your standards?" Lifeline asked.

"Eccentric is eccentric, what do you mean by your and our standards?" May asked. Duke made a mental note to avoid the man.

Gwen rolled her eyes, "ANYWAY, you have to remember that the lot of us are chocoholics and Uncle Charlie knows how to play on that weakness."

Duke glared, "So what did he do, coat his clothes in chocolate and go trolling for terrors?"

Gwen and May stared at him in horror, "Shoot no! Are you mad, man? That would mean loosing, at the very least, an arm or a leg. Not only that, but do you really want to see a Maeve with a taste for human blood? No, Uncle Charlie made a giant, as in it was the size of a VW bug, chocolate bunny. Only he put a net launcher inside, one of the heavy duty ones with a net made of logging chains. The terrors latched onto the thing and started their version of a feeding frenzy. After eating through to a certain point the net launcher released and trapped them, easy peasy. Uncle Charlie always knows how to catch those brats." Duke revised his previous note and made a new note to retain Uncle Charlie's services.

"So, we can at least be assured that the terrors are on a wild goose chase at the moment, after all, where, outside of the Joes, will you find a large gathering of full face masks?"

Maeve cackled madly as her precious Ferrari careened down the street. She and Wooky were on the hunt, the Masked Heathens could not escape. She was about to break out into another bout of cackles when she saw it, the mother lode of Masked Heathens. The car screeched to a halt.

"Hey, what was that for?" Wooky yelped.

"Behold, sister, the Masked Heathens! They gather, verily I say unto you, we must route these curs!"

Wooky stared at Maeve, somewhere, in the back of her mind, muffled by Loritab a voice screamed that bad things happened when Maeve started speaking Shakespearean. The other parts of her mind ganged up on the sensible part and subdued it, all the while screaming in little bitty chipmunky voices, _"THIS IS GONNA BE SOOOOO MUCH FUN!"_

"Sister Maskless, where shall we route these masked charlatans?"

Maeve pointed at the poster pasted to the wall before them, Wooky started grinning.

Sgt. Slaughter stared at the phone in incredulousness. The crowded hallway was soon treated to the sound of a very angry military Sgt. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LOST THEM? Wait, back up. WHO IN THE BLAZES WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO GIVE THEM PAIN MEDS? I'M GONE FOR A SINGLE DAY, FOR MY OTHER JOB AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS?" he started ranting and raving and continued for a good ten minutes before his name was called over the speakers. He growled, "Listen, I've got to report, if you value life, limb, and sanity you WILL find those two." Slaughter shook his head and hung up.

"And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the fight that you all have been waiting for in this series of fights, WWE's Sgt. Slaughter vs Lucha Libre's El Diablo, who will win?" the announcer stepped back as Slaughter and Diablo entered the ring. The typical insults and posturings were exchanged (_AN: I know next to nothing about either the WWE or the Lucha Libre, they are a plot device, nothing more)_ and the fight began. It went on for a few rounds, before Diablo started a conversation, unheard by the audience, "You seem to be distracted, my friend. Is something wrong?" this question, of course, was followed by a hay-maker which was ducked by Slaughter.

Slaughter grunted, "You know those green shirts I've been telling you about during practice? Yeah, two of them got run over."

Diablo's eyes visibly widened, "Are they well?" He ducked Slaughter's attack.

"Loritab."

"What?"

"They were taken to Lifeline, and he gave them Loritab." _(AN: For the sake of brevity and your sanity, imagine the fight going on in the background)_

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"The two that got run over were Wooky and Maeve."

Diablo jerked to a halt, he paled to a visible degree, "Please tell me your government has been informed. The last time they were drugged they went to Mexico, this was bad. They have been forbidden from entering the country ever again."

"They aren't that bad... Ah, shoot, who am I kidding, yes they are. The police departments of 5 counties have been informed." The music that was always in the background suddenly stopped. Silence reigned due to the suddenness of it all, the audience started to get edgy until new music sounded, more specifically, the Jaws theme song.

"What...?" Diablo started to look around in puzzlement while Slaughter ducked and covered, "What is your problem...?" Diablo then screamed as he saw two women flying towards him. He felt one of them latch onto his mask and heard and odd "Boing" sound. Both women went flying back up to the rafters, or bouncing in this case as they were attached to bungee cords. His now visible face was dumbfounded as he watched them. The smallest of the women seemed to be trying to swim back towards him. He yelped, grabbed Sgt. Slaughter and hid behind him. Slaughter was fighting him all the way. The announcers were having a hay day.

"Hey, folks! We've got news on the terrible twosome!" Wild Bill yelled out after staring at the TV incredulously.

"What do you mean?" Scarlet asked as she ran into the room, followed by Duke, Snake-Eyes, Gung-ho, Spirit, Roadblock, May, and Gwen. They all skidded to a halt and stared at the TV in shock.

May turned her gaze to Gwen, "I didn't know the Sarge was a wrestler."

Gwen made a shushing motion, "Shhh, the announcers are talking."

::Ladies and gentlemen, in an unexpected turn of events a couple of Divas have entered the fight, and from the looks of things they're here to help Slaughter.::

::I don't know about that, Bob (_AN: Generic, needed an announcer's name.)_. I mean, if we're going by events it looks like the smallest Diva's trying to lay hold of Slaughter.::

Gung-ho started glaring as he made out the background noise, Maeve was screaming, "Give me my Sgt. Swatter!" Judging by the cracking sounds he heard from his fellow Slaughter haters they'd come to the same conclusion as he, the pervert must die.

::Ah, it seems the littlest Diva is infatuated!::

::OH, so she's here to save her love?:: Wild Bill left the room at that statement, Snake-eyes started securing his gear and tying his pillow case around his head.

Gung-ho roared, "I'm going to kill him!"

Scarlet looked at him oddly, "Why? You know they over dramatize these things."

"I don't care, he's perverted my baby cousin!"

Scarlet eyed Slaughter's expression, "I don't think that's the look of a man in love."

Gung-ho growled, "Then what is it?"

Scarlet looked at him incredulously, "I find it disturbing that you don't know the difference from a look of love and one of abject terror."

"That's because he knows I'm going to kill him for perverting my darling baby cousin!"

Scarlet studied Maeve's face as she made both swimming and grabbing motions towards Slaughter, "And that's not the face of a woman in love, that's the face of a shark smelling its next meal."

Gung-ho roared, "He's got her addicted to him!"

Wild Bill chose that moment to pop his head into the room, "The bird's all ready to go, grab your gear we're going hunting." The Slaughter slaughter club exited the room with looks of doom plastered across their faces.

Duke looked around the nearly empty room, only he Scarlet, May, and Gwen remained, "I don't think I'm even going to bother getting involved."

::Oh, now that was cruel!:: Bob announced over the TV, ::In an unexpected move El Diablo has thrown Sgt. Slaughter at the Diva!::

::Was that supposed to be an attack on Slaughter or the Diva?::

::Considering her cackles and Slaughter's screams...I'd say it was an attack on Slaughter.::

::But I thought that Slaughter and the Diva were in love?::

::Ah, true, so Diablo has become Cupid and aided in the endeavor of true love?::

The remaining Joes stared at the TV in shock at the conclusions some people come up with _(AN: Pot...Kettle...Black)._

Wooky grinned at Maeve and Slaughter as she reeled them back in, who knew trolling for Sgt.s could be so much fun. Somewhere in the back of her mind the common sense gerbils were squeaking at her to flee, sooner or later the Masked Heathens would realize that their masks were now gone.

Slaughter got ready to yell at them as he was hoisted over the rails of the catwalk. His words died in he throat, however, as he beheld the sight before him. He allowed himself to be hoisted to his feet and ushered towards his delusion before regaining vocal functions, "How in the blazes did you get a Ferrari up here?"

He gained no comfort when Maeve shrugged, "Dunno, neat how it worked out though!"

Wooky took his distraction as her chance to further upset the poor Sarge by shoving him into the Ferrari. Maeve cackled and dove into the driver's seat while Wooky made herself comfortable in the front passenger seat. The doors snapped closed, Slaughter wondered if he was the only one freaked out that neither of the girls had touched the doors to open or close them before realizing, that oh, yes, he was currently the only sane one in the car, and he was in the back seat. His mind nearly froze as it processed his current state of being _'Only sane one...in car...back seat of car...insane DRUGGED chipmunk of terror in driver's seat...in car...in car on a BLASTED CATWALK! I'm going to die! I'm going to die! Should I be certain to take someone with me?'_

Slaughter's thought processes came to a screeching halt as he heard and felt another car approaching. He worked up the nerve to look out the back window and was relieved to see nothing. Maybe it was on the radio. "Uh-oh," he hated that word, he especially hated it coming from any of the quads' mouths, and he found he not only hated, he utterly loathed it coming from a hyperactive chipmunk on speed while she was in the driver's seat of a car on a catwalk suspended at least 50 feet above a crowd of innocent people unwittingly dragged into his own personal horror story. "Hey, Wooky, I don't think Blue looks to happy right now."

Wooky stared out the windshield at their annoyed big brother figure and realized two things; one, their way was blocked, two, there were now two cars on a catwalk that was probably only rated for a couple of hundred pounds extra weight, at the most. Those realizations lead to another set, that she really hated when she started thinking normally in the midst of one their little trips to happy Loritab land, and that it was now time for her next dose of painkillers. She happily dug out the bottle of pills Lifeline had prescribed and started to dry swallow her next dose, nearly choking on it when she realized that not only was the hyperactive chipmunk of terror doped up, in a driver's seat of a car she was fairly certain they shouldn't be in, on a catwalk, and their way forward was blocked, so that left... She nearly flew out the windshield when Maeve threw the car in reverse and raced back towards the exit behind them. When she regained her seat she quickly buckled up, and swallowed the pills, deciding (sensibly) that she really didn't want to be sane on this adventure. Before succumbing to the Loritab buzz she shoved Maeve's dose into her sister's mouth, after all, Maeve being doped up was probably the only way this stunt would work.

May stared at the television screen in horror. The announcers were confused, the audience was confused, the Joes were confused and oh...no, not the wrestlers. A whole bunch of burly men in spandex were running towards the entrances to the catwalks and man, they looked mad.

::Bob, will you look at that, I don't know that I've ever seen the Lucha Libres ever look so mad.::

::Well, Fred, I don't know that we've ever seen them unmasked, besides gossip has it that those two divas are suspected of being Mad Mask Bandits.::

::Your kidding?::

::Nope, apparently some of the other wrestlers saw them skulking around, muttering about the Masked Heathens and no more free ogling privileges.::

::Well, at least the WWE crew came out unscathed.::

::Not exactly, Kane has been apparently traumatized for life.::

::What?::

::Fred, wouldn't you be traumatized by seeing an apparently insane diva the size of one of your arms trying to get your mask by way of gnawing your face off?::

::When you put it like that...::

May heard a smacking sound, she swung around and saw Gwen trying to become one with the wall by way of blunt force trauma. Gwen looked horrified, "She's turned cannibalistic, the world is officially doomed." Duke looked like he really wanted to run screaming for the hills.

::Bob, it looks like this farce is about to end, the Libres seem to have trapped the divas on the catwalk.::

::Looks like, Fred, wait...do you hear that?::

::What?::

::It sounds like something...maybe a car...revving, but that's ridiculous...right?:: Bob sounded slightly nervous. May was pleased to note that apparently the world was not as filled with idiots with no sense of self preservation as she had previously thought. The Libres looked at each other and dove to the sides, just in time to avoid the door's remains. Why was the door in pieces, you ask, because a Ferrari went barreling through them in reverse. Mad laughter ensued as the sports car careened through the back halls of the stadium, in reverse. The cameras zoomed in to see Slaughter's horrified face plastered against the front window. May slapped a hand over her eyes.

::HOW IN THE BLAZES DID THEY GET A CAR UP THERE?"

::I don't know, Bob, but...HOW IN THE BLAZES DID THEY GET TWO CARS UP THERE?::

Fred's yelp enticed May to lower her hand, sure enough, the riderless Bluestreak was in hot pursuit of the Ferrari. Gwen whimpered, May wondered, how they were going to explain how their car was driving itself when Gwen's phone rang.

::Forget the question of how they got the cars up there, what I really want to know is how in the blazes the blasted things are managing to fit into these hallways! Seriously, folks, these halls are barely big enough for two people to walk side-by-side!::

Duke stared at the TV, turned and looked at May and Gwen before turning back to the TV, "What I want to know is why your car is chasing Maeve and Wooky, and how it can without a driver, I also really want to know how they managed to fit them into those halls."

(_AN: Quick Gwen, duping check! I actually rolled this, for those of you who know anything about the Rolemaster system, here's a quick run down, Gwen has a natural 94 for duping, rolled a 100 and then a 94, right now, the Joes would believe her if she said she was the queen of the world and had decreed the sky was now green)_ Gwen smiled reassuringly, "You remember that fiasco where Gunny first recruited us? Yeah, well, we're pretty good at remote control and experimental AI. Right now that car has enough _'intelligence'_ in it to realize that Maeve and Wooky without the both of us are a disaster waiting to happen. As for the hallways, you do realize that most wrestling shows are staged, so it is entirely possible that the halls they're using are different halls than normal, now if you'll excuse me, I really need to answer this call, I have a feeling that I'm about to be chewed out for something that's not even my fault." she glared balefully at Lifeline.

May eyed Gwen warily, she had a vague suspicion of who was calling. That suspicion proved to be right when when heard, "Hello, oh, hey Opt...uh, no, we did not put them up to this...well, actually it was sorta inadvertent...Hey, there's no call for that! They got run over, Lifeline prescribed the pain medication... Yes, you heard me right, painkillers...uh-huh, Loritab... We tried to warn him, he didn't listen, so it is pretty much all his fault...Yes, big guy, the proper authorities have been notified...yes for five counties this time. "

May sighed, idly wondering when it became normal to have to answer not only to their parents but to giant space alien robots as well. She shrugged before turning back to the TV, it was amusing really, all the big bad wrestlers dodging the Ferrari and Blue, her favorite was when one of the managed to make it into the rafters. "Oh, look, they're about to escape."

Gwen swung around to the TV, "Let's hope the police are outside those doors."

Maeve giggled madly as she drove through the doors, "Boooooom!"

Wooky grinned before turning back to look at Slaughter, who was decidedly pale, "Don't worry, Brother Maskless, we haven't yet begun to campaign!" Slaughter whimpered.

(AN: to clarify matters, the following will apply through the rest of the chapter, _::instances such as this mean communication between Autobots, Decepticons, or both via private communication lines.::_ Thus ends the service announcement)

_::GIVE ME BACK MY HUMANS!::_

_::I won't give up my squishy mate-to-be!::_

_::What on Cybertron are you talking about Wildrider?::_

_::You've got three squishy femmes, just let me keep mine and I'll be happy, Bluestreak!::_

_::NO! You can't keep any of them, they're mine!::_

_::Stop being greedy! I just want one of them!::_

_::Wooky wouldn't agree to that?::_

_::I don't want Wooky, I want Maeve, my precious, lovely, insane mate-to-be, do you think Prime would be willing to conduct the bonding ceremony?::_

_::Wait, what?::_ Bluestreak shuddered, of course, the insane Decepticon would go after the most insane of the quads.

_::Would Prime conduct the bonding ceremony? I'd defect if you'd let me keep her.::_

Okay, the conversation had just gone beyond surreal, _::I'll have to ask!::_

_::I'll wait, but you'll have to ask him to keep his mask off, while he's preforming the ceremony.::_

_::Why?::_

_::I don't want him to have free oggling privileges.::_

_::What? Why would Prime do that?::_

_::...you don't know, do you, I'll have to let you listen in on their conversation, contact Prime, now.::_

_* *_ The battle of logic, Prime vs. Bluestreak * *

_::Prime, sir, I've got a problem.::_

_::I know, Bluestreak, we saw on TV.::_

_::Oh, yeah, that's actually only a very small, minor part of the problem, sir.::_

_::What's the big part of the problem?::_

_::Aside from the fact that they carjacked Wildrider again?::_

_::WHAT?::_ Optimus ignored the crash as Prowl hit the floor, his CPU freezing. He also ignored the shocked looks the conversation was getting from the rest of his soldiers, they should know better, really, especially when it involved those two.

_::Actually, I think it is more of a case of Wildrider people-jacking, maybe, they were willing to go, but they're sorta drugged, sir, and Wildrider won't let anything happen to them.::_

_::He's a Decepticon, Bluestreak.:: _Optimus pinched the bridge of his nose, the quads couldn't have been worth the CPU ache.

_::Well, sir, I know that, but he's a Decepticon that's willing to defect to be with the femme he loves.::_

_::We don't have any Autobot femmes, here, Bluestreak.::_

_::I wasn't talking about Autobots, he loves Maeve, sir.:: _Bluestreak winced as he heard the resulting crashes.

_::Bluestreak, are you trying to seize up the entirety of the Autobot army?::_

_::I'm not trying, sir, the girls are. Oh, Wildrider also wants to know if you'd be willing to preform their bonding ceremony?::_

_::Who's bonding ceremony?::_

_::His and Maeve's of course. He can't very well ask Megatron to do it as he's planning on defecting, sir.::_

Optimus winced as he CPU gave a clunk, he'd be feeling this in the morning, he was certain. Ratchet wasn't being of any help, he was too busy laughing, _::Bluestreak, he'd have to pay her court before I'd even agree to allow them to bond.::_

_::But you'd accept him into the ranks, sir?::_

_::Let's put it this way, wouldn't you if it meant breaking up a gestalt team? Yes, if he can court her without being killed by the other girls, her family, Sgt. Slaughter, or Maeve herself he'd be a welcome part of the Autobot army.::_

_::Okay, sir, I'll be certain to tell him you agreed with provisions.::_

Prime winced, before turning to Ratchet, "I've just signed my own death certificate, haven't I?"

Ratchet grinned, "Signed, sealed, and delivered it to Unicron himself. This is going to be amusing."

Red Alert poked his head in, "And I've got it all on tape, I'll be certain to record the courting for future generations."

Prime glared, "Why isn't your paranoia acting up?"

"Sir, he's just doomed himself to a life of torment to the McWerrin clan, I'm giggling on the inside. If I were any happier, I'd be giggling on the outside as well." with that Red Alert turned and skipped off down the hall.

Ratchet twitched, "That's not normal, but at least he's happy about something."

* And back to the chase * *

_::Prime said he'd be happy to do the ceremony, but only if you paid her court.::_

_::How does one "Pay court" to squishy femmes?::_

_::How should I know, gifts, singing, dinner, love notes, maybe?::_

_::Sounds normal, I guess.::_

_::If you hurt her I will personally rip your arms off and beat you with them, then I'll shove them up your tail pipe and down your throat so they can play cat's cradle with your inner wiring.::_

_::...Thank you?::_

_::I just threatened you and you say, "thank you?"::_

_::You're keeping my precious squishy femme's safety foremost in your CPU.::_

_::You've got it bad, mech.::_

_::I know, isn't it wonderful, now listen while my precious informs the other squishies of the evils of the Mask. The Masked Heathens must never be allowed to oggle my precious, precious!:: _Bluestreak shuddered at the obsessive tone in Wildrider's voice.

Maeve turned in the driver's seat, she'd just driven through a hole left by those pretty black and white vehicles and was in the process of careening down the streets. She was now driving forward, unfortunately her eyes were facing the back, actually, her body was facing the back. She'd turned around in the driver's seat and was sitting on her knees, her toes were wrapped around the steering wheel, Wooky was guiding her, "Left, no the other left, right, no, I didn't mean turn right, turn left!"

Needless to say, Slaughter was hanging on for dear life. While curled into a ball and whimpering. He wanted to close his eyes, but his eyes were saying in little squeaky voices, "No, we don't believe this!" His thoughts about his eyes speaking to him were that he'd gone off the deep end, and at least he had company. Whether his company was his eyeballs or Maeve and Wooky I'll leave you to decide.

Maeve grinned at him, "Brother Maskless, join us in our campaign against the Masked Heathens, verily I say, the Masked Heathen shall not get away with their continuous oggling."

"Say, what?" In the back of Slaughter's mind he wondered why she was speaking Shakespearean, and whether or not he dared risk jumping out a car going upwards of 80 mph.

"The Masked Heathens, forsooth, they and their vile ways, they oggle fair maidens, and verily, unfair maidens as well. I hear their leers screaming vilely from behind those wretched Masks, the evil masks. It cannot be allowed to continue, will you lend us thy sword?"

"You're saying some guys in masks have been oggling you girls?" Sanity had just taken a back seat to the over protective instincts of their almost CO.

Wooky nodded, "Why else would they be wearing masks, Cobra knows who all the Joes are and what we all look like, so seriously, why would anyone think a mask makes a difference? Naw, they're just wearing the masks so they can get away with oggling."

_::What?:: _Bluestreak was seeing red.

_::See, this is why I don't want Prime to wear his mask during our bonding ceremony. I'd have to attack him for oggling at my precious.::_

_::Oh, no, what should we do? What should we do? I can't allow anyone to oggle my girls!::_

_::Here's a thought, I'll take the Decepticons, you get the Autobots, we cannot allow our fleshies to be oggled.::_

_::Agreed!::_

_(AN: Looking back at it, this conversation actually sounds wrong.)_

Maeve grinned at Slaughter, "Do we have your sword, Brother Maskless?"

Slaughter glared, "I don't have a blasted blade to give you girls, but you've got my gun."

"Verily, we shall destroy the Masked Heathens, then."

"Starting with Cobra." Slaughter growled, "Turn around and drive."

"Why are we starting with...oh, never mind. Hey, Maeve, see Destro? Let's go take that shiny mask!" Destro was in the process of walking down the sidewalk to one of the secret Cobra bases, hidden in Tomax and Xamot's office building.

"I thought that was his head?"

"No one can have a head that shiny, not even Grandpa! Seriously, it's got to be a full head silver mask! We can take it, melt it down and sell it for scrap!"

"Okie dokie!" Maeve swung the steering wheel and aimed for Destro, who had yet to realize the danger he was in.

_(AN: Never fear, chapter 10.c will be the conclusion. I'm cutting this chapter off at what I feel is a logical cut off point, I promise I'll try to have 10.c finished by the end of the month.)_


	14. Chapter 10c

**Chapter 10.c Run, Destro, Run!**

Destro was having a good day, a very good day. Cobra Commander had called for a meeting at the Extensive Enterprises building to discuss finances, more specifically, financing one of Destro's brain children. Destro was in such a good mood he didn't notice the revving of the car engine until it was entirely too loud to ignore. Destro turned around and screamed, a manly scream, mind you, but a scream none the less. Driving straight at him was a black and red Ferrari, not only that, but the Ferrari had one of those blasted psychotic green shirts leaning out of the window and reaching greedy hands out for him.

He swung around and made a mad dash for the Enterprises' building. He flew up the stairs and noted, in the back of his panic filled mind, that another sound had joined the revving engine, the Jaws theme song now blared out as well. He didn't dare look to see if they were still behind him, it would be kind of pointless really, considering how many people were flinging themselves out of the path of the incoming vehicle. Destro would have asked why in the blazes they were driving up the stairs leading to the building, but he knew the answer. Those crazy green shirts, once they had their prey in sight would hunt it to the ends of the earth and back. The Dreadnoks still cringed in terror whenever they heard a motorcycle revving, which was actually quite amusing when one considered that the majority of the Dreadnoks rode motorcycles.

Destro grinned as he reached his destination, he lunged through the doors of Extensive Enterprises, surely they wouldn't follow him indoors, at least not in their car, he felt he could deal with them should they come in on foot. Destro actually expected them to come in on foot, the other Joes were polite like that. He forgot, the quads were actually quite pragmatic, as well as quite insane. Baroness was watching him, "Destro, darling, what is wrong, it looks like you've seen your death." The rest of her question was cut off as the doors burst open, a Ferrari roared through. Baroness stared at the scene before her. Destro was screaming his "manly" scream and dashing for one of the more narrow hallways, unfortunately it was the one Baroness had just exited. In his panic he didn't realize that the quad that had been driving was doing a hood ornament impression whilst the other quad was straddling the console, with her foot on the pedal and a hand on the wheel. The munchkin on the hood lunged forward and tackled Destro. Her hands clamped on either side of his head and she started tugging. To Baroness it looked like the munchkin was trying to rip his head off. The Ferrari was doing donuts around them, keeping soldiers from helping their silver headed superior. Unfortunately for Baroness, she too, was trapped on the inside the donut.

Baroness, having no other recourse, walked over to the munchkin, who was getting rather frustrated at being unable to remove Destro's head. Said munchkin snapped her beady eyed stare to Baroness. Baroness knew fear, real fear in that moment. Normally she found the antics of the green-shirted-sisters-of-the-apocalypse to be amusing in the extreme, but that was when they were relatively sane and practical. What Baroness saw now terrified her, she saw one of the two more sanity deprived members was apparently drugged to the gills and without even the loosely bound tethers that sometimes anchored her to reality. The next statement backed up that thought, "Sister Maskless, welcome to the Order of the Maskless! Do sit here, whilst I procure the instrument needed to remove the Mask from this Masked Heathen!" Which was how Baroness found herself perched on the horror stricken Destro as Maeve dove for the crowbar that Wooky had thrown out the window.

"Baroness, let me up!"

"You must be joking, Destro, did you see the look in her beady little eyes! No, better you than me."

"Yes, Sister Maskless is helping us in our endeavors to rid the world of the free oggling privileges that are Masks! Soon, Sister we shall strike fear into the hearts of these Masked Heathens, verily they shall tremble and quake with the knowledge that our steadily growing Order has its eyes on them!"

Baroness blinked, "Okay, I can understand the need to rid the world of masks, they do, after all, clash horribly with the main scheme of things, but why are you going after Destro? He doesn't wear a mask."

Maeve looked up, startled from where she had placed the end of the crowbar behind the terrified Destro's ear in an effort to remove the stubborn mask, "What do you mean?"

"Please refrain from killing Destro, he's one of the few tolerable Cobra there are. It isn't his fault his father was insane."

"Huh?"

"Apparently Destro's father thought he needed to preserve Destro's head by dipping it in silver. (_AN: The silver head thing, as far as I know, was never explained in the cartoon series and so, I'm not even going to bother trying._)" Destro's eyes widened, that was no where near the truth, as he was about to argue Baroness jabbed him roughly.

"While it was still attached, that's new. We had an Uncle that tried to do that to his son's booties."

"Isn't that normal?" Baroness asked, cautiously.

"Not when the son is 6 foot 5, and is currently a Marine. Nor is it normal when said son is still wearing his combat boots. The Uncle was thrown into the loony bin after his recovery at the hospital. Neither Grammy nor Gunny were too enthused with him, they made their displeasure know through liberal use of Grammy's parasol and Gunny's hat."

Baroness and Destro stared, "Gunny...as in...?"

"Oh, yes, Uncle Cousin Gunny wasn't happy, in fact the only time I've seen him madder is when he's glaring at Slaughter! I still don't know why he does that."

Baroness decided she needed to get into the Order of the Maskless for the simple reason that she was going to get all sorts of blackmail from the experience, that and the little munchkin made a lot of sense, actually. She eyed the Cobra soldiers standing around in distrust, yeah, she didn't like the free oggling privileges either. She turned to the nearest Cobra soldier, pointed imperiously, "You, soldier, take off your mask!"

The soldier yelped, "Ma'am?" in a rather androgynous voice.

"You heard me, soldier, I gave you a direct order! Take off your mask and aCobra Commanderompany my new Sisters of the Masklessness and myself in our crusade!"

The soldier whimpered.

^..^^..^

Slaughter stared at the new backseat passengers, "Baroness? What in the world?"

Baroness shrugged, "I'm tired of the free oggling privileges, too."

Slaughter turned to the unmasked Cobra soldier. The soldier shrugged, "So was I, which is why I became one of 'them' that and I want to be the first to smite the wretches the oggle my more well endowed baby sisters."

"What?"

"Look, I know I'm flat chested, broad shouldered, and pretty plain, but there's absolutely no reason to rub it into my face that I look more like a man than a woman." the soldier grumbled, "Besides, those two raise a decent point, the masks equal free oggling privileges, but it ain't just for men to oggle women, I've done a fair bit of oggling myself."

Baroness stared, "Really? Who?"

"No one on our side, that's for sure."

Baroness waved that off, "Of course, darling, that just shows good taste. Personally, I've always fancied Dusty. So, who do you favor, Ellena?"

The newly named Ellena actually blushed, "That one marine, Gung-ho, now he's a fine figure."

Slaughter moaned, he was caught in a torment of female talk, and so, he employed the age old tradition of males who didn't want to hear the surrounding conversation. Slaughter stuck his fingers into his ears and started chanting, "I'm not listening, not listening, la-la-la."

Wooky and Maeve stared back at the backseat oCobra Commanderupants for a moment before swinging their attention back to the task at hand, chasing down the Masked Heathens and stealing their masks. Which is to say, Maeve had placed one of her boots on the aCobra Commanderelerator, was perched on the door, leaning over, one hand on the steering wheel whilst grabbing masks with the other. Wooky was just leaning out the window and snatching masks with both hands. The cobra soldiers were wising up to them, however, and snatching their own masks off and tossing them at the derranged girls.

Maeve turned back towards the back seat, "Well, if you girls are that into Dusty and Gunny, though the Gunny thing is just wrong..."

"Why?"

"He's family, and family just don't look good."

"Ah, true."

"Anyways, if you gals are that into them, we'll have to see if we can set you up."

Baroness' eyebrows raised, "Truly? That might just be enough to get me to defect."

Wooky yanked herself back in, "We'll have to meet up sometime when the two of us are sane again and make arrangements. You might want to make a note for us, we probably won't remember a thing about this when we're off the meds."

Baroness blinked, "You sound like you're turning sane now."

Wooky cackled, "A rare moment of lucidity in happy Loritab land, I assure you, speaking of which, we need another dose!" her actions matched her words, then she cackled, "Maeve, look, the mother lode!"

Maeve's head swung around to see the prime target, there, standing at the elevators, was Cobra Commander and his hideous mask. Maeve cackled, slid into the driver's seat properly and flicked on the cd player. The Jaws theme song started blaring.

^..^^..^

Cobra Commander was oblivious. That isn't to say that he hadn't noticed the Ferrari driving around in mad circles and zig-zags, no, he'd seen it and shuffled it to the back of his mind, just another day at the office, granted an office filled with crazed psychos but still an office. He didn't really consider that anything might be different from normal until he heard the song. Jaws was playing and it was getting steadily louder, Cobra Commander stiffened and slowly turned to see the Ferrari headed straight for him. What was even more disturbing was the fact that another car was rapidly closing in on the Ferrari as well. Cobra Commander's screeching nearly drowned out the elevator's "ding"

Cobra Commander tried, he really did, he thought the Ferrari wouldn't be able to make it into the elevator with him. Normally he'd be right, but for some odd reason, the laws of physics were not working that day. This is how Cobra Commander found himself pressed into the corner of an elevator that really shouldn't have been able to have a car crammed into it. He nearly freaked out when another car tried to get in as well, only for the doors to shut. Cobra Commander stared and started screaming "YOU CAN'T BEND THE LAWS OF PHYSICS TO YOUR WILL!"

he nearly choked when he heard the response come from one is his most faithful little minions.

"Yes, do as he says, not as he does. Cobra, darling, have you ever considered that physics might be the reason why half your plans don't work?" Baroness peaked over the shoulder of the shortest McWerrin quad as the quad tried her hardest to get out of the Ferrari to get him.

The taller quad frowned, "I don't think we thought this out well. How are we going to get out of the elevator?" This had the effect of distracting the shorter quad.

"Button, gotta push the button, shiny, shiny button!" Unfortunately she forgot which floor was the first floor, and so, all the buttons got pushed, how you might ask, she had a katana and was not afraid to use it...for just about anything.

Hilarity ensued. Cobra Commander seeing an opportunity made a break for the door as it opened, unfortunately for him Wooky and Maeve were still obsessed with revoking the free oggling privileges that were masks and so, they followed. He took off running down the hall, the black and red Ferrari following in reverse with Wooky leaning out snatching up masks as she came to them.

Cobra Commander finally realized that doors were wonderful inventions, so lovely and narrow, there was no way a car could fit through them, right? Wrong. The Ferrari could fit through the doorway, granted it was on two wheels, but still. Cobra Commander screamed and retreated through yet another doorway, the car followed. Cobra Commander eventually came out into one of the hallways and was heading for the stairs only to stop and stare as the car that hadn't made it into the elevator emerged from the stairs. He squawked in surprise, which gave his position away to the Ferrari that emerged from one of the doors at the other end of the hallway. Cobra Commander lunged through the door closest to him. The chase scene that ensued was right out of Scooby-doo. The chase went up and down floors, hallways, stairs, and elevators for a good half hour before Cobra Commander was finally cornered on the second floor balcony. The Ferrari, now filled to overflowing with masks, gunned its engine before barreling forward. Cobra Commander thinking of nothing but escaping the drug crazed quads jumped off the balcony, thinking, mistakenly, that the girls wouldn't follow him. Fortunately, for Cobra Commander, the Ferrari overshot and ended up on top of a semi's trailer.

^,,^

"WHERE'S THE ROAD?" Maeve screamed.

"IT'S BEHIND US!" Wooky yelled, "REVERSE, FULL THROTTLE!"

Maeve blinked, "Ferraris have throttles? Why doesn't anyone tell me these things?" She slammed the car into reverse, only to stop and yelp, "There isn't any more road, oh, wait, I found it! Look, it is trying to get away from us! It keeps moving." The car went forward.

Baroness, Slaughter, and Ellena looked at each other and screamed in terror.

_::WILDRIDER! WHAT ON CYBERTRON ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?::_

_::Motermaster, hey, how's it going?::_

_::If you don't get off me, Wildrider, I will maim you.::_

_::But you give such wonderful piggy back rides!::_

_::Seriously, Wildrider, what are you doing? Do you have any idea how distracting it is to be driving along and suddenly have something drop, literally, right on top of you? And then that something keeps reversing direction! Where has your mind gone?::_

_::Uh, it isn't me.::_

_::Wildrider, unless you're body is having and out of processor experience, then I can assure you that it is, in fact, you running back and forth across MY back!::_

_::Actually, my beautiful future fleshy bride is the one that's driving::_

_::The McWerrin that you're obsessed over?::_

_::She's so wonderfully insane!::_

_::I don't care! GET OFF MY BACK!::_

_::Bluestreak, is there some reason why I'm giving you a piggyback ride?::_

_::Optimus, sir, well, actually, I've got a very good reason. FOLLOW THAT TRUCK! It's got my fleshies!::_

_::Wildrider, do you have any idea how hard it is to outrun Optimus Prime when I have you weighing me down?::_

Wildrider activated his rear sensors to see that yes, Optimus was following them, what was more, Optimus had Bluestreak with him. It appeared that Blue had followed him off the balcony. _::Don't worry about it Motormaster, Prime's similarly encumbered.::_

_::Wildrider, let me point out that Prime has adopted the McWerrin quads as his surrogate sparklings and we have half the quads with us. Add to that, the fact that you're stalking one of them and we have ourselves and over protective daddy with a really big gun.::_

_::Hey, its alright! He's agreed to allow me to court my squishy mate-to-be! He might even conduct the ceremony!::_

_::How did you swing that?::_

_::Don't tell Megatron, but I plan to defect.::_

_::...and you're telling me this _WHY?::

_::You're going to be the best man, of course.::_

_::Sure, fine, just GET OFF! I'VE SAID IT THREE TIMES ALREADY, YOU WON'T GET ANOTHER WARNING!::_

"Wooky, I think we're on the back of a truck!" Maeve crowed out her epipheny.

"You're just now figuring that out!" Slaughter yelped.

"Do you think we should, maybe, get off this thing?" Maeve looked at her older (by a few minutes) quad.

"Four out of five voices in my head say go for it! The fifth voice is being beat up by the others." Wooky grinned in anticipation (or homicidal glee, it is amazing how those two are often mixed up when it comes to the quads).

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed a chorus from the backseat.

"Sorry," Maeved chirruped, "Majority rules!" She floored it, the screams of terror were music the diabolical little heart delighted in.

_::Wheeljack, project Special Dark is a go, the terrors are no longer relatively contained.::_

_::I'll get right on it, Optimus.::_

Gwen and May stared at the television. The chase was actually being well documented, the camera man was good, he managed to catch the looks of terror, glee, and befuddlement adorning Slaughter's, Baroness', and some random Cobra foot soldier's faces. The saner half of the quads wondered when, how, and why Wooky and Maeve had grabbed the two Cobras.

Anyways, the chase consisted of a police helicopter, a news helicopter, Wild Bill's helicopter (it was quite amusing, Gunny, Snake-eyes, and Spirit were all in harnesses and taking turns jumping at the Ferrari, Slaughter had never been more terrified), five police cars, and was that Prowl? Oh, wait here comes Prime and...why in the world was Bluestreak riding on Prime's back?

Duke turned to look at Gwen and May, both of whom edged away. Duke pointed at the TV, ignoring the snickers of his fellow joes, "How do we stop this, and more importantly, how is it that your car is actually looking quite murderous?"

May whimpered. Gwen pointed back at the TV, "Well, if you'll pay attention, you'll notice that someone is pulling an Uncle Charlie Special."

Duke turned, there, on the TV screen was a giant, dark chocolate sculpture of...why and how did Lifeline get a chocolate sculpture made of himself? The gathered Joes stared in fascination and then horror as Maeve and Wooky launched themselves out of the Ferrari to attack the chocolate sculpture with an obscene amount of glee. Lifeline whimpered in fear when he saw that his dark chocolate doplanger had a deep red, cherry filling. Most of the Joes (the male ones, at least) vowed never to eat chocolate again at the sight of the carnage playing out before them. Thankfully, the carnage ended in short order as the high powered net launcher hidden in the chocolate released and Maeve and Wooky were caught, not that it stopped them from eating the chocolate remaining in their hands. When that ran out they started squirming their way back to the sculpture. May and Gwen ran before Duke managed to tear his eyes away from the TV to ask, again, why their car looked homicidal.

**The Debriefing:**

"So, you're saying that Maeve and Wooky went on a mask herding spree simply because of a suggestion?" Slaughter asked May and Gwen.

"Yes, sir. In situations like that they rely on us to be their voices of reason, but we were off on a tangent about masks..." Gwen blushed.

"Uh-huh, now, tell me, why was Lifeline chosen as the model for the chocolate sacrifice?"

"He started it!" May hissed, "He didn't listen to reason, he didn't acknowledge that they'd be fine without painkillers! He deserved to be traumatized for life, just like the rest of us!"

"Sarge, not to be nosy, but where did General Hawk ship Wooky and Maeve? When will we be getting them back?" Gwen shifted nervously, she always got uncomfortable when Maeve and Wooky were out of her sight for extended periods of time. How was she supposed to keep their chaos in control if she wasn't near them?

"General Hawk holds his grudges for a long time." Slaughter began.

May and Gwen protested, "But they didn't mean anything by it!"

"Oh, Hawk's not upset with Maeve or Wooky, the Admiral who's ship he assigned them to, however..."

May and Gwen got odd expressions on their faces, "You're saying that Wooky and Maeve, chaos incarnated parts 1 and 2, are on a ship..."

"Yup."

"On the water..."

"Yup."

"With no escape?"

"Yup."

May's eyes narrowed, "$50 says they blow the ship up in 5 days."

Gwen snorted, "$50 says the Admiral passes out with an aneurism in 3."

Slaughter's grin was decidedly demonic, "$100 says they turn the ship upside down, somewhat literally, in 5."

Gwen stared at him, "Why do you say that, sir?"

"I gave them glue...and chocolate covered coffee beans."

_AN: I am so very sorry about how late this is. My computer is being possessed by the gremlin minions of the sheep mafia, i.e. I'm having issues with hardware and software malfunctions as well as deleted stories, etc. That being said, this chapter was an absolute bear to write, I'm sorry if it reads in a disjointed fashion, I just started running out of steam about half way through. The next viper's chapter will hopefully make up for it._


	15. filler 3

**Chapter 1: Chaos Arrives**

_AN: I have a dollar to my name. I own nothing beyond Maeve and Gwen, my sister owns Wooky, and a friend owns May. My sense of humor is warped and I do not do serious. The world is depressing enough as it is without me adding any more angst._

It had been an exceedingly long day with the promise of being an exceedingly long night added onto it. Will Lennox sighed as he looked over the reports for the three consecutive attacks that day. Megatron had been busy. Will grimaced and rubbed his face, he knew that there were going to be errors in the report, but at the moment he was too tired and sore to care. He stood, gathered his reports and left to deliver them to the chief tactician.

"Hey-a, Will!" Will turned and immediately wished he hadn't. Approaching him were the three troublemakers, one an Aussie, one a Cajun, and one an old friend from boot camp. Figg threw his arm around Will's shoulder, "I don't want to have another day like this one for a while, Mamma's gonna be wonderin' what 'appened to her lil' boy, all bruised up like this, non?"

Will blinked, "That's right, I forgot your mom was in town, is she enjoying her visit?"

Figg shrugged, "She'd pro'ly enjoy it more if it weren't fo' the fact she be visitin' for the fam'ly reunion. Them folks are loco."

"This coming from a woman that cooks gator gumbo?" Epps frowned, "Man, I'd hate to meet up with the rest of your family, then."

Figg grinned, "'ey, 'dey kin, can't pick 'em, but we can run screamin' the other way."

Will chuckled, "So, aside from trying to get me to laugh, was there some reason why you're hanging off my shoulder?"

Figg's expression turned sheepish, "Well, ah gotta problem I need some 'elp decidin' on."

Will grimaced, "The perimeter security?"

"Yeah, don' know why 'dey chose me ta' hire the new folks, but none o' the prospects are lookin' too promisin'. I gotta couple o' outside options, but 'dey don' come up for reassignmen' for a coupla months."

Will frowned, "What do you mean 'outside options,' and why aren't any of the rest promising?"

Figg frowned, "'Dey ain't got enough...imagination. Most 'dem folks are too much like Prowl and not 'nough like Jazz."

"How's that a problem?" Graham asked.

"Jazz find holes in security like no one's business."

Will grimaced, "Don't remind me."

"Not yo' fault the last perimeter guards don' know what 'dey doin'. Don' go kickin' yoursel' over it, Will, better we find out now 'den when things really hectic."

Will sighed, "I just wish they didn't have to die for their stupidity. Now, what did you mean about outside options?"

Figg laughed nervously, "Well, in 'deir defence they didn' know 'bout the 'Cons. The outside options are, actually, is a team of four. 'Dey my cousins an' they know what 'dey doin' when it comes to security. 'Dey downright paranoid, but 'dey see where all the holes are."

Will stared at him, there was a mighty big "but" coming, he just knew it.

"But," yep, Will was right, "but 'dey not real conventional. 'Dey only in the military 'cause of 'tenuating circumstances."

"What extenuating circumstances?" Will asked.

Figg grimaced, "'Dey broke into Leavenworth."

"WHAT?" three voices shouted.

Figg flinched, "In 'dere defense, 'dey were kids 'den an 'dey just wan'ed to visit 'deir uncle."

"Why was their uncle in Leavenworth?" Will's eyes were bugged out, he just knew it.

"Well, now, you 'member what I said 'bout my family? 'Dey all crazy. Uncle Charlie jist be a might crazier 'dan the rest. He still tink we in the cold war. 'Tinks the USSR is out ta get us, so he getting ready for it, only he went and bought the wrong tank from the wrong person. MPs came an' took 'im away. The girls, 'dey weren't allowed ta visit, 'cause 'dere some rough people in 'Worth. Only the girls...'dey stuborn. 'Dey love 'deir Uncle Charlie ta pieces, so 'dey decide ta go visit. None knew 'dey 'dere until the guards did 'deir rounds." Figg shrugged.

"You mean this Charlie character bought a black market tank, without realizing it, and got sent to Leavenworth and those girls broke in out of family loyalty?"

"'Dat's 'bout the size of it."

"How far into Leavenworth did they break?" Epps asked in morbid curiosity.

"Straight into the middle." Epps whistled, "Yeah, 'dey good at getting where 'dey not 'sposed ta be. 'Dey not only get into 'Worth, 'dey also get into ol' Charlie's cell wit' him. Guards came by an' saw Charlie sittin' 'dere wit' his nieces playin' poker. Charlie's cellmate's in the corner tied up wit' his own sheets an' mummified wit' duct tape. Guard continues on, only he notices it be too quite, so he pay more attention, non. Finds out the girls gone and duct taped the pris'nors in the entire block ta 'deir own cell bars. 'Parently it looked like some type of warped bug collection. The guard almos' didn' report 'dem cause of 'dat. The girls, 'dey be told 'dey either be tried as adults or 'dey join the military. 'Dey planned on joinin' anyway, so guess what 'dey choose."

"And you want me to approve hiring them?" Will asked, incredulously.

"'Dey the best, an' 'dey'd fit in fine here. Only 'dey ain't up for reassignment yet." Figg looked helpless as he shrugged.

"Say I do call in some favors and get them reassigned here, they wouldn't be sworn in due to the fact that they're perimeter security only. From what you're telling me they could quite easily break in and find out what's going on. How would they react and what would they do?" Will pinched the bridge of his nose to stave of the headache.

Figg answered readily, "'Dey'd find out sooner 'dan later. 'Dey'd point out where 'dey were able to breach the security, how 'dey did it, what need to be done 'bout it. 'Den, 'dey'd kidnap Red Alert and not let him go until 'dey done drained his CPU of all his security features. 'Den 'dey'd start addin' 'deir own."

Will blinked, "Say what?"

Figg huffed, "'Dat side the family be more Irish 'dan not. The girls, 'dey be half Irish, half Navajo, 'dey not even blink at it. 'Dey believe in ghosts and fey, so why 'dey get upset 'bout aliens?"

"You're kidding? Aliens are so different than folklore and superstitions!" Graham squawked.

"How?" Figg glared at him.

"For one we have proof now."

"An' 'dey have proof too."

"I doubt that."

"Hey, I don' get in 'deir minds, I don' know what proof 'dey have, I jist know 'dey tink 'dey have proof. 'Dey not goin' to bat an eye 'bout the 'Bots." Figg scowled at Graham.

Will huffed, "I'll think about it. I won't make any promises, but I will think about it. Figg, go ahead and look over the files again and see if you can't find someone that will meet Red's standards. We'll go through them first." Will stalked off muttering.

Will had, quite frankly, put the conversation with Figg completely out of his mind. Figg, for his part, had pouted a bit, but otherwise, had gone back over the files and had found the least horrid of the security personnel wannabes and hired them. This is what led to the situation they were now in. Sector Seven was apparently not as dead as it should have been. Several of the more...malicious members of the Sector had gotten back together and formed Sector Fourteen (the original name for it was 7.2, but bureaucracy being what it is, some dolt read it as 7*2 and the rest, as they say, is history). Sector Fourteen was dedicated to the capture and testing of the Cybertronian race with goals to their eventual extinction (or as Annabelle put it, they were poopy heads that wanted to hurt and kill her giant metal friends). Will glared over his daughter's head at Figg.

Figg shrugged, "How was I 'sposed to know 'dey Sector Fourteen, not like 'dey put it in 'deir resume."

Will hissed, "When we get out of this you will be calling your cousins and telling them to pack. This falls into the realm of extenuating circumstance."

Will watched as the four attractive young ladies emerged from the helicopter that had been sent to pick them up. They really didn't look like much, for the most part. One looked like she'd stepped off a page of a fashion magazine; long wavy chestnut hair pulled back into a messy bun, kahki slacks, amber blouse, and designer sunglasses. The woman was actually attractive enough to pull it off, but two of the other girls blew her out of the water in the looks department. The smallest of girls was the prettiest, she had short black hair, done in what he'd call a raven wing cut, she had large green eyes and a pointed, delicately beautiful face, she wore tight black t-shirt, camo cargo pants, and combat boots. This girl at least somewhat looked the part, and she and her partner looked attentive to their surroundings. The partner was about the same height as the "fashion plate" girl with the same color hair, only her hair was short and curly, she had amber eyes and looked more professionally military than any of the rest with her muscular build and wearing her green shirt, camo cargo pants, and combat boots. The last girl looked more like she belonged with Maggie and Glen's group, she was a nerd. This one had strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes, she wore blue jeans, run down tennis shoes, and a blue cardigan sweater. "Fashion girl" wasn't really paying any attention to anything but her cellphone, "Military girl" and her "Mini" were studying their surroundings, and "Nerdy" had her attention fixed to her palm computer. Will turned and glared at Figg.

Figg, for his part ignored Will and started forward, only to be tackled by a bullet of black and camo. Will's eyes widened, the "Mini" was perched on Figg's chest and grinning maniacally down at him, "You don't want to be privy to Gwen's conversation, she's getting chewed out by Grammy."

Figg flinched, "What's the old Lady got her dander up 'bout now, Maeve?"

"Aliens."

"Aliens?"

"Yeah, we're near Mission City, so she's on one of the Rants. Gwen's playing diplomat and trying to get Grammy to keep from sending Uncle Charlie with his tanks down to retrieve us."

Will's eyes widened, Figg grinned, "So ol' Charlie's back at the ranch?"

"Yeppers, he got released a couple of weeks ago. He's sorry he missed meeting up with your Ma."

"Is 'dat ol' man still makin' cow's eyes at Mamma? I 'tought he over 'dat by now."

"He never got over her, he just got better at hiding it."

"What May up to?"

"Hmm?"

"What May doin'?"

"Oh, she's downloaded the base schematics onto her computer as well as the satellite imaging and a map of the local terrain, cities, and towns. She's trying to figure out the lay of the land." Maeve shrugged expressively, "We tried telling her that we'd drive around and familiarize ourselves with the area, but you know how she is."

"She not payin' any 'ttention to her surroundings."

"Of course not, that's what she's got us for." Maeve looked confused, "Me and Wooky have their backs, normally, but if it were a combat situation they'd have our backs and we'd have their fronts...wait, that didn't sound right."

Will frowned, "So, you're saying you and Corporal Shaw are the most attentive unless it is a battle situation?"

"Hello!" Maeve bounced off of Figg, ignoring his grunt, and held out her hand, Will took it and was actually pretty surprised at the strength of her grip, "Corporal Maeve reporting for duty. And no, normally we're all pretty attentive, but Gwen's trying to keep WWIII off of American soil and May always gets twitchy every time we enter a new place. So to prevent that twitchyness she tries to familiarize herself with places via maps, schematics, and imaging before setting foot in our new place, she's just finishing up now. As for battle situations, Gwen and May are our support, they're better suited for planning and observing the tide of battle, getting people off the field, and shooting people that are trying to sneak up on us. Wooky and I tend to get up close and personal or we snipe the foe. Word of advice, call her Wooky and not Shaw, she hates being called Shaw."

"I'll make note of that. I would give you a tour of the base, but most of what we do here is classified. You, being in charge of perimeter security, will do just that. You will guard the perimeter and stay on this side of the fence." Will stated pointedly. He ignored Figg's look as he waved at some of the buildings outside of the fence, "Building number one is the shipping and receiving area, in other words, the post office. Building two is offices, building three is the security hub, building four is the mess hall, and building five is the barracks. You'll be the only ones in building five, unless you want to stay in town."

Wooky, for her part had shepherded Gwen and May up to the group. Wooky looked at him incredulously, "You mean to tell me that your security personnel don't live on base?"

Maeve snorted, "No wonder the perimeter is so insecure. Okay, got it, building one is the giant mailbox, building two is paper disposal, building three is the sanitarium, building four is biochemical warfare, and building five is the den of mayhem and chaos."

Figg snickered, Will shook his head, trying to keep his smirk to himself, "Right, that just about sums it up. Now, there are times when the base becomes a ghost town, we're technically on minimal security then, during those times I want you to do what you can to make the perimeter as secure as you can."

They all stared at him, Gwen stopped her conversation with Grammy due to her jaw dropping in shock, May actually dropped her computer and Maeve and Wooky looked like they wanted to either kiss or throttle the man. Gwen snorted, "Grammy, listen, I'll talk to you later, this place needs serious help, yeah, they haven't got a clue on how to secure a base. Oh, no worries, he just gave us free reign to make it all better...Yeah, I agree."

Will glared at her, Wooky snickered, "Sir, there's a reason why we've never been promoted from Corporal, we're too blunt."

Will knew he was going to regret this.

_AN: I know that Figg was killed in the movie (apparently shown in the Blue Ray) but, as I have neither Blue Ray and I happen to like his character...he's been brought back. Also, I know that Jazz was killed, but I'm of the firm belief that he's too cool and too stubborn to die, so as far as that goes, Optimus used a remaining shard of the Allspark and the Matrix to bring him back. Please, please, note, I am not military and so I know I will have all sorts of errors when speaking about the military life style. My Dad was a Marine so I will be biased towards the Marines. I will try to keep this as far from Mary Sue as I can, which is to say, this is going to be almost pure humor. Every once in a while I will degrade into RPG language due to the fact that the quads are from a Pen and Paper RPG._

**Chapter 2: Be Careful What You Wish For**

Maeve lurked around the perimeter. Why was she lurking? Because that's the way it worked, you saw more when you lurked than otherwise, that and she wanted to see how many of her new "subordinates" noticed her. She was less than impressed, not a single one had seen her, some of the inner perimeter guards had, and had given her the oddest looks, but not a single one of her people. Wooky was stalking around looking like a bear due to the fact that she was observing the same thing. Gwen was busy calling in favors and pulling up lists of past subordinates that had worked well with them. May was updating security as much as she was able to with out dated equipment. They were all rather upset. Maeve vowed that the next person who passed her without noticing her was going to get the shock of his or her life.

Wooky growled, everyone was watching her, why, she questioned, were they watching someone who was walking around so obviously? Didn't they know it was the lurkers that tended to be more dangerous, had they learned nothing of gorilla warfare? She glared at the black soldier, a Sargent Epps, who was so busy watching her that he never noticed he was walking past Maeve's lurking spot. She smirked and settled back to watch the show.

Maeve scowled as the Sargent sauntered by, the man should know better. She gave a blood curdling cry and leaped at him. Sargent Epps yelped and fell back from the onslaught. Various personnel from the "Inner Sanctum," as the girls had taken to calling the other side of the fence, came pouring out to see Maeve, little five foot nothing Maeve, wrapped around Epps' head and beating it with a broken twig. She was screaming at him "Constant Vigilance! Pay attention!" Epps, for his part was running around trying to dislodge the chipmunk of terror. Will watched as Epps started running laps around the perimeter, screaming, "I'm paying attention! I'm paying attention! Woman, stop beating on me, I said I was paying attention!"

Will turned to Figg, who looked like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. Will glared, "I blame you for this." More voices joined Epps in screaming, Will turned slowly, dreading to see what the chaos bringers were up to now. Epps had passed among a group of outer perimeter personnel. These personnel were nearly doubled over in laughter, that was until Maeve abandoned Epps' head to bring tidings of vigilance to her personnel. They were screaming and scrambling to get away from what they were now certain was a rabid chipmunk. Maeve's hunt had begun. Will snorted before turning to go into the main hanger, he had a video conference with his higher ups.

He climbed the catwalk to stand by Prime's head. Prime arched and optic ridge, "Dare I ask what's going on outside?" General Mooreshire indicated that he too would like to know what was happening.

Will sighed, "Epps got ambushed by a learning opportunity. He'll be a little bit late."

The General eyed Will, "It sounds like an attack out there, without the explosions and gun fire."

Will shrugged, "The new outer perimeter security personnel are getting acquainted with their new superiors."

Mooreshire stared at him, "You said you'd gained some new perimeter security personnel, are they that bad? Who are they?"

Will scowled, "They're relatives of Lieutenant Figg, sir. More often than not we call them the McWerrin quads."

Unfortunately for the General, he'd taken a sip of water before Will's statement. The NEST operatives were now privy to their own personal spit take. Mooreshire coughed, "You mean, you're new outer perimeter security personnel are the Sisters-of-Chaos-and-Mayhem?" his look of awe melted as he started cackling, "YES! Eat that Crenshaw! Good job, Will. Those girls are crazy, but they are effective. Just make certain that Red Alert knows what he's in for."

"Why do you say that, sir?"

"We got to the point that when we needed infiltration and security specialists in Quatar we'd call those four. Maeve and Wooky are extremely good at infiltration, extremely good. So good that Maeve earned the name of Wraith and Wooky the name of Shadow. Maeve's just a might bit better than Wooky. Rumor has it that she was also used by the higher ups as an assassin for some of the more influential leaders."

Will pinched the bridge of his nose, "In other words, Red Alert needs to be aware that she might try to break in?"

The General eyed him steadily, "It isn't a question of if, it is a question of when. I know she'll eventually break in, and I know she'll eventually find out about NEST operations, the question is if you can keep Red Alert from freaking out about it."

"Sir! If they're that much of a security risk I should have them shipped out!"

The General snorted, "Don't bother, I've been contemplating reading them into the program for a while, they just happened to set their own time frame. They can be discrete, when they want to be, and giant alien robots appeal to their sense of humor. Now, you will be keeping them, as they are a very valued commodity."

Will started to speak when a rattle and thump alerted him to the new arrival on the cat walk. Epps flopped over onto the walk and crawled over to slump to a stop at Will's feet, "They're crazy, absolutely crazy!"

Optimus looked at him curiously, "Robert, it is good to see you escaped your learning opportunity sooner rather than later, it speaks well of your intelligence."

Epps glared at Will, "Learning Opportunity? Is that what you call being ambushed by a five foot psychopath and beat over the head with a stick? It speaks of common sense that I used the distraction of her being dog piled by 6 MPs to escape."

"Did you say 'dog piled,' Sargent?" Mooreshire asked.

Epps staggered to his feet and saluted before flopping back down, "Sir, yes sir, permission to slump, now sir."

Mooreshire smiled, "Permission granted, Will, I recommend you save your MPs."

"Sir?"

"Dog pile on a young woman? She's going to think they're perverts, and she loathes perverts. I'll start with the Autobot's portion of the meeting while waiting for you. If you don't return within an hour, I'll call you later tonight for the report."

"Sir?"

"She has knives and has been trained, if rumors are correct, as an assassin. I'd recommend hurrying, Will."

Will's eyes widened and without further ado he rushed out to deal with the new crisis. By the time he reached the outer perimeter the situation had degraded even further. Now the majority of the perimeter personnel were scattered and running from all four of their superiors, among the four groups were four of the MPs, the fifth was crawling towards the medical hanger, his arm bleeding sluggishly. Will rushed to him.

The MP stared before waving him off, "She just bit me, she's chasing Graham now with a katana, you might want to do something about that. Also, Shaw's chasing Smith with a bastard sword."

"Why?" Will asked in horror.

"When they landed they accidentally braced themselves by placing their hands on her chest...yeah, she's seeing red. Shaw saw, and started throwing people all over the place to get to them, things went downhill from there. I'll get to Ratchet and send some reinforcements, you just do something."

Will dashed after one of the four groups running around the perimeter. He noted, absently, that there wasn't much need to worry about guards not being where they needed to be. The groups running for their lives were staggered in such a way that there were two groups going clockwise and two going counter clockwise with very little space uncovered for more than a few seconds. It was going to be a long day.

_AN: I know it might not come as a shock, but I'm not Cajun, if you are Cajun, then I am horribly sorry for slaughtering your dialect. I really should know better than to try to write in a dialect, I really should, but I wanted to try._


End file.
